After that, Rachel makes one more last ditch effort to save her marriage by trying to have sex with Heck on a heath, but they are followed by two members of the homosexual mafia, who forbid Rachel from doing any more straight stuff.
The next day, Rachel storms into Flowered Up (we’ve barely even touched on Flowered Up or the adorable old man who asks for herbs-with-an-audible-h, but there isn’t time now) and announces that she and Luce have simply got to stop making significant eye contact.
BUT THEN she storms BACK IN and kisses Luce full on the mouth and they roll among the flowers like Eve and Lilith before the fall of humankind.
That kiss…that kiss was everything to me. It was like a treehouse my heart could climb into and pull the ladder up behind it. But the scene itself is unconscionably brief because Luce gets THORNS IN HER BUM. Let’s all just join together in hating those thorns a minute, shall we? They are up there with the Westboro Baptist Church as enemies of the queer community.
So after that, Heck comes in all sad because Rachel is clearly cheating on him, and Luce and Rachel vow (for real this time) to stay away from each other.
And then there are five minutes of everybody sadly gazing out of windows. But when at last Heck realizes the truth, he acknowledges that the kind of love Rachel feels is a force that neither can nor should be stopped, and he gracefully steps out of the way. Nine out of 10 movies would have that be the end of Heck, but IM&Y takes the necessary step of acknowledging his sadness. It even makes you briefly fear for his life, until good old H comes along and says some words that I have never understood, but often repeated: “No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag.”
So Heck is okay, Rachel’s parents are going to buy some Viagra, Luce’s mom is dating again, but what about our main couple? Well, Luce is on the way to the airport, where she is LEAVING FOREVER. And even when Rachel calls her on the phone to say she wants to be with her, she won’t listen. So Rachel has to jump on the car roof, and the bike courier sings the song, and then YOU’RE A WANKER NUMBER NINE and then kissing.
This past week, I saw Carol for the first time, which I believe is the greatest film about queer female love that has yet been made, and probably about to supplant IM&Y as the standard-bearer of our hears. Imagine Me & You is not a “great film.” It asks you to believe in a lot of things I have never found to exist outside romantic comedies. Love at first sight, dances one knows without having to learning them and a world where even the brokenhearted get happy endings. It’s a sugar-spun tale. But good god, don’t we deserve the daydream as much as straight girls? More, in fact, since our happy endings have been so hard-won for so long. Like a teddy bear you keep as an adult, I will always love and treasure this movie, even now that I no longer need it to get me through the night.
The Breakdown
- Sex Scenes: NONE. THANKS A FUCKING LOT, THORNS.
- Musical Numbers: The bike courier totally counts.
- Eventual Fate of Central Couple: I see two kids, several pets, and even occasional dinners with Heck and the woman from the plane.
- Fucking Coop, right?: Yeah, that guy sucks. Love the actor in Spy, though.
- How Many Times Have You Seen It, Elaine?: All the time. If I am ever talking to you and my eyes glaze over, I am watching this movie in my head.
Next Week: You asked for it: It’s In The Water.
