The scary thought of a “Clue” remake

Gore Verbinski, the director of hits like Pirates of the Caribbean and The Ring, will direct the remake of the 1985 cult classic Clue.

Hearing this, the 8-year-old girl inside of me just died a little. Why, why, why does Hollywood insist upon remaking, and ultimately destroying, the films of my childhood?

The original Clue is extremely bare bones. It has a middle-aged cast, comprised of no real stars, it takes place in one location — an old house — and there are hardly any special effects. Yet none of these so-called handicaps prevent Clue from being delightful, hilarious, and at times, downright scary.

The new Clue is bound to be filled with bad but good-looking young actors, fancy locations, and a bucket load of special effects. The end result will guarantee a great opening weekend at the box office, but I doubt it will have the endurance to become a “sleepover hit.”

(If you don’t know what a “sleepover hit” is, don’t feel bad, because I just made it up. But it sounds kind of official, doesn’t it? To me, a “sleepover hit” is a movie that kids, and even adults, watch over and over and over and over again at sleepovers.)

As a child of the ’80s, sleepover movies like Clue, The Princess Bride and Sixteen Candles are a part of my history and my dearest memories. Most of us remember watching these movies with a group of friends and reciting all of the lines by heart. What person between the ages of 25–35 doesn’t know the line, “As you wish”?

Maybe I’m being overly dramatic (it’s been known to happen), but I feel like watching the remake of any of these childhood staples would be like watching a video of your favorite babysitter — you know, the one you had a crush on — getting hit by a car. OK, maybe that’s a bit much. It wouldn’t be like watching Phoebe getting hit by a car — maybe it would more be like watching Phoebe being told that she didn’t qualify for a car loan. And, come on, who wants to pay to see that?

So, Hollywood, be nice to my past — leave it alone! Don’t make me watch Phoebe’s sad face as she’s told she can’t get a red Prius.

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