Universal Studios announced this week that they’ve tapped Enchanted wunderkind Kevin Lima to direct a live-action feature based on the Hasbro board game “Candy Land.”
You remember that game from your childhood, right? You move your circus-colored plastic player around the board based on the color card you draw, and no matter how hard you wish for it, you never get to slide through Rainbow Trail or Gumdrop Pass. No, you get stuck in the Lollipop Woods or Molasses Swamp, while your sister gloats around the board with ease. So you refuse to play, and she calls you a crybaby, and you say you’ll give her something to cry about, and she rats you out, and your mom sends you to your room, and before you slam the door, you shout, “Fine! My teddy bear and I wanted to play Monopoly anyway because it’s a game that requires some actual skill!”
Remember? Well, it sounds like a pretty traumatic movie to me, so I probably won’t be seeing it. But I did conceive some other really fascinating films based on ’80s games. What do you think of these:
Oregon Trail starring Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Typhoid, snake bites, drowning, dehydration: What’s funny about that? Only everything in the hands of Poehler and Fey! The two set out in opposing wagons on a race from Independence, Mo., to Oregon’s Willamette Valley. For every axle wheel Fey’s wagon has stolen, Poehler’s team will lose clothes in a fire! The lesson they learn? Friendship is the only thing a bandit can’t break in and steal in the night. The lesson we learn? Poop jokes are just as funny set in 1848.
Twister, starring a variety of British actresses
It has been said that an English person standing all alone forms an orderly queue of one. These English women’s manners, however, will be put to the test when it is announced that the winner of the annual town Twister game will wed the Duke of Kent! (Sorry, UK readers, I have no idea if that is a real duke.) Ultimately the competition comes down to Sienna Miller and Keira Knightley, and after dozens of contorted positions, they realize their real attraction is for one another. Color-coded hilarity ensues.
Guess Who? starring Lauren Graham at the very least
Christina’s friends have always known she is a lesbian, but Christina’s puritanical upbringing has clouded her psyche. The week before her wedding to a boring old everyman, her friends take her out for drinks — at a gay bar. Christina has a life-changing encounter with the woman of her dreams, but leaves town the next day for a business trip. Armed with only limited physical descriptions and cell phone pictures, Christina’s friends must discover whom she’s fallen in love with, and convince the mystery woman to break up a wedding. Can they Guess Who? before it’s too late?
Do you have any other ideas for game-themed movies?