Fifty Shades of Grey, the BDSM erotic novel that your mom secretly keeps in the linen closet, has been made into a film with actor Jamie Dornan as the icy, denim loving, Christian Grey, and Dakota Johnson, as Anastasia Steele, a smart, yet inexperienced college grad who says “holy cow” a lot while in delicto flagrante. The film opens on Valentine’s Day and has already broken box office records for pre-sale tickets. The movie could use a little queering, however, so we recast the lead roles with actresses we love. Also, perhaps a little re-writing to make it an empowering feminist erotic journey?
Kim Hoffman: Erika Linder. Because you could put her in 120 minutes of film about 50 Shades of whatever and I’d be sold. We don’t even need a script—silent is just a doable.
Bridget McManus: Cate Blanchett as Ms. Grey and Dakota Fanning as Anastasia. YOU’RE WELCOME!
Anna Pulley: KSTEW. In both roles. She’ll be seducing herself and rejecting herself. It’s a metaphor AND meta-phor.
Trish Bendix: Tilda Swinton as Ms. Grey and Evan Rachel Wood as Anastasia, please! I haven’t read the book so I’m not sure how their actual relationship goes but I’m a huge fan of Secretary so I see it more like that Mr. Grey/Lee pairing.
Dara Nai: Archie Panjabi and Emily Blunt.
Dorothy Snarker: Gillian Anderson as Ms. Grey and Archie Panjabi as Anastasia. THEY GOT ON THE ELEVATOR AFTER ALL.
Miranda Meyer: THIS IS THE WINNER as far as I am concerned. That was the single part of The Fall where I failed to suspend my disbelief. WHO AMONG US WOULD NOT GET ON THAT ELEVATOR?
Dana Piccoli: How about Natalie Dormer as Christina Grey, and Emma Watson as Anastasia? Or Jena Malone as Grey, and one of my favorite ingenues, Britne Oldford, as Anastasia.
Valerie Anne: YES OR THAT! OK, I WOULD WATCH THAT SO FAST. (The rewritten bit being the most important.)
Who would you cast in a gay “Fifty Shades of Grey”?