Lesbian Scientistics: the females in this summer’s hottest films


We’re halfway through summer movie season, and it is time once again to employ Lesbian Scientistics to determine which summer blockbuster star is the most kissable, and what exactly goes into lip appeal. (CAUTION: The findings below are fraught with SPOILERS.)

Step 1) Ask a question. Does a woman’s bad-assness effect her kissability?

Step 2) Observe. I will profile each woman to garner an accurate portrait of her bad-assness, paying special attention to whose ass she kicks, what she kicks ass with, and what she wears to hand out said ass kickin’.

Anna Popplewell/Susan Pevensie, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

Enemies: Telemarines, the misogyny of C.S. Lewis.

Allies: 2 Sons of Adam, 1 Daughter of Eve.

Uniform: Chainmail, leather corset.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie Bradshaw, The Sex and the City Movie

Enemies: Big, Mr.

Allies: Samantha, Miranda, Charlotte.

Uniform: Fraggle-fur shawl.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Angelina Jolie/Master Tigress, Kung Fu Panda

Enemy: Ninja snow leopard Tai Lung.

Allies: Ninja snake, ninja monkey, ninja praying mantis, ninja(ish) panda bear.

Uniform: Ninja pants, ninja vest.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Anne Hathaway/Agent 99, Get Smart

Enemies: Kaos.

Allies: Agent Michael Scarn.

Uniform: Black leather pants, jacket.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Cate Blanchett/Irina Spalko, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Enemy: Jones, Indiana. Capitalism.

Allies: Stalin.

Uniform: Grey wool KGB jumpsuit.

Weapons: See pie chart.

Step 3) Form a hypothesis. Hypothesis: The more bad-ass a woman is, the more kissable she will be.

Step 4) Test hypothesis with experiments and further observation. I will calculate each woman’s Bad-ass Vector by plotting her place on a Cartesian Coordinate Graph, and then compare that to her place on the Histogram of Kissability.

Step 5) Form a Conclusion. Anne Hathaway’s Agent 99, the baddest-ass woman according to my research, is much more kissable than Sarah Jessica Parker’s Carrie Bradshaw, the lamest-ass woman according to my research. Therefore it would appear that being a bad-ass makes a women more kissable. However, there were many “-isms” that kept the control group from being an accurate sample. I will have to add to my control group: Angelina Jolie in Wanted, Maggie Gyllenhaal in The Dark Knight, and The Sisters of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 once their movies hit theaters later this summer to gain an accurate understanding of bad-assness as a predictor for kissability.

Do any of you have thoughts based on your own research?

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