The best of Oscar’s 80th

Hey, did something happen in
Hollywood last night? Oh, right; a bunch of people went home with shiny
naked golden men. While some may quibble with a few of the winners,
last night’s Oscars telecast was a night when Tinsel Town pretty much
got things right. Sure, I would have loved for Juno to sneak
in and steal No Country for Old Men’s Oscar for Best Picture. But
that might have incurred the wrath of Anton Chigurh, and the last thing you want to do
is to make a man with a Dorothy Hamill haircut and a compressed-air gun
angry.

The evening was largely a classy
affair, with lots of first-time winners, loads of heartfelt speeches
and even a couple genuine surprises. So in the spirit of honoring excellence,
here are a few awards of my own. May I have the envelope, please?

Best Straight Allies: Cynthia
Wade
and Vanessa Roth

The filmmakers won for their
short documentary Freeheld, about a lesbian couple’s fight
to win survivorship benefits. (Look for more details in Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. this Friday.)

Best Upset I Didn’t Know
I Wanted: Marion Cotillard

I thought I’d be mad at Marion
for upsetting my personal favorite Julie Christie
for Best Actress, but after hearing her exuberant, charming and sincere
speech, I’ve fallen in love instead.

 

Best Use of the Words Nipple
and Buttocks in an Acceptance Speech: Tilda Swinton

The surprise Best Supporting
Actress winner accepted her trophy with a hilarious, “Ohhh, no,”
and things only got better from there. Nipples, buttocks and the Batsuit all made it into her speech. For that, I will even ignore her designed-by-Hefty-Bags
dress.

Best Rocking of a Tattoo That
Will Make Your Grandma Blush: Diablo Cody

The Juno scribe (and,
as the now-fabled story goes, former stripper) took home the hardware
for Best Original Screenplay, and in the process, became the role model
for misfit girls everywhere who think they might have a story worth
telling, too.

Best Realization That
You Are in the Presence of Greatness: Daniel Day-Lewis

Now that’s how you approach
the Queen, I mean, Helen Mirren.

Best Impromptu Audition for
the Role of Peter Pan: Renee Zellweger

Though, if she really wanted
to go for it, she should have worn the green tights.

Best Circumventing of the Play-Off
Music: Markéta Irglová

After her Once on-screen
(and off-screen) partner Glen Hansard
gave his gracious thanks for winning Best Original Song, Markéta was played
off stage by the orchestra. But after the commercial break, host
Jon Stewart
brought her back to the microphone
to have her say. It was easily the night’s classiest moment.

Best Evidence That Red Is the
New Black

Best Evidence That Pregnant
Is the New Black

Best Evidence That, No, Really,
Black Is Still the New Black

Look, I realize that Penelope
Cruz
is probably wearing navy blue, but do you want to see a picture
of her or not?

So, who were your favorite
winners? Who wore your favorite fashions? And who invited The Rock?
Discuss.

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