“Stuck” on Mena Suvari

Not too long ago, I went out with a bunch
of friends and tied one on. As I wasn’t saddled with designated
driver duties, I really tied one on, imbibing enough vodka crannies
to keep an Ocean Spray shareholder happy. Believe me, I’m not
trying to be cool here — I’m just setting the scene, putting you

right in the heart of the action!

Around 2 a.m., we made our way to a Trendy
Hollywood Eatery for a bite. We all settled in and placed our
orders, and I was inordinately excited about the omelette that would
soon be mine, all mine! Glancing over at the large party to my
left, I spotted actress Mena Suvari having some late-night (or
is that early-morning?) chow as well. I immediately whispered to all
my friends, “Omigodyouguysh look look looklooklook no don’t look!
I think tha’sh Mena Shuvari aaahhh she can shoooooo effing rock that
buzzhcut!” Of course, my tongue felt as large as a Nerf football
and I’m sure I was “whispering” a bit too loudly. But no
matter! Have you seen the buzz cut? I mean, come on.

At any rate, my food arrived just in
time to create a much-needed diversion, and my friends all assure me
that I only embarrassed myself a bit that evening by going on and on…and on about how my eggs were the most awesome eggs in the history of ever. The point of all this is that had I been aware of the movie Stuck
during this near encounter, I don’t think even the mighty power of
eggs could have prevented me from … well, from making a complete fool of myself.

Stuck, you see, has Mena teaming
up with veteran horror director Stuart Gordon, the man behind
genre classics such as Re-Animator and From Beyond, to tell the fictionalized tale of Chante Jawan Mallard.

While her name might not ring a bell, her story surely might: whilst
driving drunk one fall evening in Texas in 2001, Mallard hit a homeless
man. The man, Gregory Biggs, went through Mallard’s windshield,
and instead of … you know, helping the poor man, Mallard drove home,
parked in her garage, and left Biggs there to die.

While this doesn’t sound as if it adds
up to the “feel-good hit of the summer,” Stuck is sure to
be full of enough Stuart Gordon goodness (read: ample shocks and a healthy
dose of black humor) to, at the least, intrigue audiences. As if that
weren’t enough to get me in a Cineplex seat, there’s always Mena
Suvari in what’s being hailed as a star-making turn. Twitch Film recently ran a telling interview with Suvari,
Gordon, and screenwriter John Strysik about the movie, for which
they’re anticipating a spring release. What does it take to
bring a story like this to the screen, and how do the filmmakers render
such a horrible tale palatable? Says Strysik,

“The key is in
making it realistic. Mena and (co-star) Stephen Rea just brought
this fantastic drama with them in making these real characters. You
really feel for both of them, I think, and that’s really what happened
with the real woman.”

According to the article, some of Mena’s
next projects include the Day of the Dead remake (coming to DVD
this spring) and perhaps another team-up with Stuart Gordon. To
save myself and all my friends from certain death by embarrassment,
perhaps it’s best if I avoid that particular Trendy Hollywood Eatery
after a night of vodka crannies. I can see it now: “Shoooo,
you werrrr in that Shtuart Gordon movie and are you gonna be a zzzhombie
in Day of the … you know, I like your hair. You shore can
rock that buzzzhhh …”

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