I can’t say that I really consider
myself to be a trend-follower. Despite this, however, I’ve got
my finger firmly on the pulse of everything that’s cool, hip and happening!
I know all about what the kids are into these days, whether it’s invisible
cola, pet rocks, or even the macarena. Because I care, I’d like
to impart a bit of insight into the latest fad sweeping the globe: Replacing
amputated limbs with firearms!
It all began during that magical era
known as “last spring” when Rose McGowan … ahem … blasted
her way onto the screen in Planet Terror, the Robert Rodriguez–helmed
half of Grindhouse. As go-go dancer Cherry Darling, McGowan
proved that there’s something oddly alluring about a gal blasting
away at zombies with a machine gun that’s been crammed into her thigh.
Upping the ante in machine-gun chic
is the forthcoming Japanese flick The Machine Girl (Kataude
mashin garu), a film that concerns a schoolgirl out for revenge
when her family is killed (and her arm is amputated) by the Yakuza.
The Machine Girl has truly got
it all: ninjas, sailor fuku school girls, revenge, Yakuza, flying guillotines,
drill bras and, of course, the gatling gun arm. According to my
calculations, those elements may add up to equal the best movie ever … and
by “best movie ever,” I mean I made out with the trailer five times
last night. See for yourself, though be warned: the trailer is
over-the-top bloody and totally NSFW.
While I’ll be first in line for
The Machine Girl, I would never condone such violence in real life.
I mean, if my arm were ever chopped off by a clan of ninja Yakuza, I’d
like to think that I’d rise above the notion of revenge. Instead
of a Gatling gun, maybe I’d attach a Super Soaker to myself and spend
my days watering gardens and cooling off the neighborhood children during
the summer heat. You know, giving peace a chance and all that.