A scientific study of the hormonal effects of the gold bikini

If you’ll allow me, I’d
like to test a theory. I’m going to ask you a question, and I want
you to answer as truthfully as possible. My intent is purely scientific,
I assure you. I pose it only in the interest of posterity and the advancement
of humankind. So, are you ready? Again, please answer honestly.

Does
the golden bikini work on fangirls like it does on fanboys?

I speak, of course, of the
famous/infamous gold bikini Princess Leia wore when she was being held
as a slave girl by Jabba the Hutt in Star Wars Episode VI: Return
of the Jedi
. It may in fact be the most famous bikini on the planet,
not to mention the least buoyant. And in the 24 years that have passed
since its image first seared itself onto our collective subconscious,
it has spawned countless imitators. Remember the episode of Friends
where Rachel dressed up for Ross in the gold bikini? I think that may
have been its official outing as the No. 1 fantasy in all of geekdom —
well, at least for straight guys.

But my, um, research is inconclusive on
whether the gold bikini inspired the same slavish devotion (read: drool)
among gay women. Now to clarify, since this is for science, I want you
to try to separate your emotions about the gold bikini itself from those
about Princess Leia and, therefore, Carrie Fisher. The findings
are already indisputable that Carrie Fisher is awesome. That’s just
a fact.

No, instead I want you to dissect
the fantasy itself. Is it about the fancy metalwork? Is it about the collar
and chain? Is it about some strange obsession you have with giant slugs?
On second thought, if it’s that last one, keep it to yourself.

So
what prompted this comprehensive analysis? This week, shots of Kristen
Bell
donning the bikini
of destiny
emerged
and were met with what can conservatively be called great enthusiasm.
She wore the getup for the upcoming, and appropriately titled, film
Fanboys
.

Because I believe in being
thorough and collecting good data, here are a couple other ladies sporting
the metallic swimwear.

Yvonne Strahovski
from Chuck.

Olivia Munn
from Attack of the Show.

And, since no experiment would
be valid without a control, here again is the accept-no-substitutes
original.

So, fangirls, does that work
for you? And remember, this is for science. Ahem.

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