Sad news from Australia this week: The gayest goose in the animal kingdom was shoved into the closet. Yes — that merry king of the bush, that laughing lark, that faithful old gum tree-dweller, the kookaburra, has been stripped of his gayness.
Cry, kookaburra! Cry, kookaburra! A lie your life must be!
My good buddy Jade Gulliver of Melbourne’s JOY 94.9FM (Diff’rent Strokes! Wednesdays at 8! Listen live!) alerted me to the catastrophe. It seems kids at Cheltenham’s Lepage Primary in Victoria have been instructed to replace "how gay your life must be" with "how fun your life must be" in the best children’s song ever.
Well, his heart was in the right place.
This isn’t the first time gay animals have come under attack. Why, just last season on Parks and Recreation, Leslie Knope was forced to transfer two penguins from the Pawnee Zoo when outraged citizens began lining the zoo’s walls with "Flipper and Eve! Not Flipper and Steve!" graffiti.
And so, of course the New York Times also had to weigh in. "Can Animals Really Be Gay?" they asked.
Answer: Yes, apparently.
"Homosexual animals are not regarded with suspicion by their own species," a zoo director told NYT. "There is absolutely no rejection of homosexual companions, like you often find with humans."