There is no truth to Gillian Anderson’s cover of “TV Guide”

Somebody up there hates Gillian Anderson. Maybe it’s the aliens. Maybe it’s the men in black. Maybe it’s legions of fangirls and boys who can’t believe their skeptical goddess of geekery is now cavorting with the tea and crumpets crowd over at Masterpiece Theatre. Regardless the source, there can be no other explanation for the Photoshop of horrors that is her face on the cover of the new TV Guide magazine.

My eyes! My eyes! Great googley-moogley, what the hell happened to her face? Who is that? Because that is certainly not Gillian or even Dana Scully. Has she been abducted by the aliens? Is this a not-so-cryptic hint as to the heretofore cryptic plot for their new film X-Files: I Want to Believe? Should I have put a spoiler warning at the top of this post?

What makes the TV Guide‘s Photoshopped atrocity even more perplexing is that Gillian seems to be the sole target of their digital wrath. David Duchovny looks OK — a little unnaturally smooth and strangely putty-colored, but otherwise fairly Mulderesque. But Gillian is barely recognizable. If she wasn’t standing next to David it might even take me a few guesses. This, folks, is what happens when overzealous photo editors try to hide all signs of aging. They strip the humanity and, as a result, beauty of of a face. It ain’t pretty.

But why the completely unnecessary make believe? We all know Scully and Mulder started their adventures in flashlights and little green men 15 years ago. And no one wants to believe that they were cryogenically frozen for the six years that has passed since the series ended. I mean, even eternal skeptic Scully herself would look at this photo and be all, “Mulder, this is an unexplained phenomena. We have to investigate this right away!”

The truth is out there, just not — sadly — on the cover of TV Guide.

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