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Dolly Parton’s breasts refuse to tour

Don’t you hate it when your breasts get in the way of your career? I know I do. Just the other day, I was minding my own business, planning my North American concert tour, when the strain of carrying my breasts around caused me to postpone the tour at the advice of my doctor. Sigh.

Oh, wait; that wasn’t me. That was Dolly Parton. And I’m not making this up. Earlier this week, she announced that she would be postponing her upcoming tour due to back problems that stem from carrying her large breasts on her small frame. More specifically, she said, “Hey, you try wagging these puppies around a while and see if you don’t have back problems.”

She certainly does have a pair, doesn’t she?

The tour was planned to support her upcoming album, Backwoods Barbie, her first mainstream country album in 17 years.

It’s kind of cheap and easy to make Dolly Parton breast jokes. But part of what I love about her is that she’s the first one to make them.

“I was the first woman to burn my bra — it took the fire department four days to put it out.”

And recently, she commented that she envisions fans trekking to see her iconic breasts after her death:

“I can just see two big mountains growing up out of my grave, and people going around on mule rides to look at them.”

But unfortunately, the breasts that are a source of so much jocularity are also a source of back pain. Alas. And this is a source of personal sadness for me, because I had plans to see her on this tour! I was about to buy the tickets when I read about the postponement. Woe is me. I guess I’ll just have wait for her to get some rest and hope that the rescheduled date works for me.

It’s a little odd that I’ve never seen her in concert, given how much I like her. She seems like she’d be great live.

But I don’t generally see too many country concerts — in part because country performers don’t play New York all that frequently. The best country concert I ever saw was the Dixie Chicks in Nashville during their last tour.

Emily Robison — my favorite Dixie Chick — brushed away tears at the end of “Not Ready to Make Nice” and it about broke my heart.

She doesn’t do that here, but you get the idea.

I doubt Dolly would cry in concert, but I bet she and her breasts would move me just the same. Has anyone seen her live? Can you tell me what I’m missing?

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