Betty and Veronica aren’t bad; they’re just drawn that way

Back in December, we brought you the news that the classic comic Archie would be getting a makeover. The plan was to update everything from the gang's hair to their wardrobe — everything, that is, except their Goody Two-shoes. Archie Comics' publisher Michael Silberkleit said last year: "The characters will still wear seat belts. There'll be no smoking. Nobody is going to break the law. It's going to be the same thing from dear old Riverdale that we know and love."

Oh, really?

"Bad Boy Trouble" is the newest story line for BFFs, sometime rivals and newly fashionable Betty and Veronica. When rebel Nick St. Clair roars into Riverdale on his cartoon Harley, Veronica is all over that boymeat. And true to teen drama form, the (surely platonic) hookup quickly alienates the gang, especially Betty. Can Betty and Veronica's friendship withstand this new interloper? Is Nick the hottie of Veronica's dreams or just another player with a bad soul patch and too much hair product? You're on the edge of your seat, aren't you?

The "Bad Boy Trouble" story doesn't conclude until later this month, so I'll just make it up for you here. Betty comes out of the closet and hooks up with a hottie of her own. (See above. How gay is that other girl's hair?) But even though Betty has an adorable girlfriend who makes mix CDs and Hot Pockets for her, she's still pining for her unrequited love, "Ronnie."

Meanwhile, Riverdale High's softball team went and hired itself a lesbian coach.

At the big game, Veronica is too distraught over the confusing fights she's been having with Betty and blows the state championship. Afterward, in her office (with the door open), Coach explains to Veronica that love has many forms and perhaps true happiness has been right under her nose all along.

Veronica then tells Nick St. Clair to take a hike and rushes into Betty's waiting arms. The story ends with Betty and Veronica making plans to apply to Smith College together …

OK, maybe not. The world is what you make it, and I like to make mine really, really gay.

Anyway, I still think the new Betty and Veronica look like Ashley and Spencer from South of Nowhere.

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