Scientists create lesbian mice, equip you with the greatest coming out speech ever

One of the greatest regrets of my life is that I didn’t see Skins before I came out to my family, and so I stumbled and fumbled over the phrase “I’m gay” instead of dropping a fabulous Emily Fitch-inspired monologue about how I “like tits and fanny” and was, in fact, “nailing” the “rather beautiful” step-daughter of the vice-president of the company I worked for. But you don’t have to live with regrets like me. Chinese scientists have now given you the greatest coming out speech of all time.

So, what happened is these researchers bred a bunch of female mice that lacked serotonin, a chemical long believed to have an influence on human sexuality, and — BOOM! — as soon as those mice hit mouse puberty, they started lezzing out so fast. (And so hard, apparently!)

From the study:

Females displayed strong mounting preferences toward the females, mounted female targets with shorter latency, higher frequency and longer duration.

Also, according to science, the lesbian mice were super into “sniffing the head and genital areas of other female mice” and “grasp[ing] … females by the waist before mounting on their back.”

From a biochemistry perspective, it’s some interesting research that will require a lot more study. But from a social perspective, the study is priceless, because now you know how to come out in the most remarkable fashion.

Step one: Quote to your parents from science: “Mom, Dad: There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. I have discovered that I display a strong mounting preference toward females. I tend to mount females more frequently and with more longevity. It started with sniffing, but moved to grasping. I’m a lesbian.”

Step two: Show your parents this science chart. (It was published in the study.)

Step three (optional): Enjoy an episode of Mr. Wizard or Bill Nye the Science Guy with your mom and dad. Every time one of those guys does a science thing, interrupt to say something like, “I love science, like I love mounting females, which is, of course, also science!” And then high five your parents.

Thanks a milion to AfterEllen reader Paula for alerting me to this important study.

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