1. We had so many Republican primary debates, you guys.
God, do you remember how many Republican debates there were? Like maybe eleven or twelve a week for a while there, all of them with fifteen Republicans trying to out-crazy each other? That seemed to be the strategy for winning the Republican debates: Trying to max out on crazy and hate and then delicately sprinkling just a touch more crazy on top.
Based on what I saw of the debates, the perfect response to a question was:
“Jesus and I believe that if you get cancer the health care bankruptcy is your own fault and climate change is fake and all science is worthless and fake unless you are trying to build nail-studded death rays for the border and all uterumuses should be filled with minibabies at all times unless the babies or the uteruses are the LGBT kind, and no, being truly in love is not necessarily a good reason to want to get married and also can we bomb people somewhere please just anywhere I don’t care and now I would like to indignantly deny being mean or a fringe candidate or a bigot because I’m just doing what Jesus said, which is to judge thy neighbor and cast the first stone, but let’s wrap this denial up because the next debate is in 45 seconds.”
For a hot minute there, it looked like we might have the incredibly terrifying Rick Perry as a presidential candidate, but then he went from pandering-crazy into worrisome-crazy and started cuddling syrup.
Rick Santorum also looked like he might have a shot, even though he “loves” the gay community, which apparently means “wishes did not exist, or at least could not get married or have jobs.”
Fortunately, everybody remembered that Santorum is a dweebmonster and the media was just pushing him as a viable possibility so people would keep watching the news even though Karl Rove had already picked Mitt Romney months and months ago. [Spoiler: That turned out to be the last time Karl Rove was good at picking something.]
Romney, who looked like the guy who would get cast as the President in a 1950’s movie but had way less human warmth and empathy than the Crocodile Men who would attack the Earth in that same movie, tacked hard right during the debates, especially on immigration, which [Spoiler!] turned out to be a bad idea.
Romney’s staffers also taught us that an Etch-a-Sketch is a great holiday present, but a terrible campaign plan.
2. The GOP was obsessed with your ladybits.
Seriously: Check right now and make sure that there’s not a Republican Congressman down there trying to install a kryptonite lock. Continuing on 2011’s enormous legislative bender, rabidly anti-choice politicians at the state and national level joined forces and took the phrase “boxing in” to a whole new level.
There were mandatory, medically unnecessary transvaginal ultrasounds; TRAP laws that sought to make clinics impossible to keep open through sheer numbers of legal hoops to jump through; “heartbeat” bills and 20-week limits that flew in the face of science; attempts to keep women from getting ordinary birth control; and refusals to understand that even married women might want birth control, and that even women who don’t sleep with men can want birth control, because not all of the medical uses for birth control are about controlling birth. And Michigan lawmakers were informed that they were not allowed to say the word “vagina” while in the process of discussing new laws that affected those very body parts.
Thank goodness for sarcastic female legislators who cheerfully introduced bills mandating digital rectal exams, affidavits of necessity from a partner, or proof that one’s life was in danger before a man could get a Viagra prescription.
Rush Limbaugh called Sandra Fluke a slut for trying to explain that birth control can have medical uses that have nothing to do with sex, and thus it would be extra nice if medical insurance would cover it. And then Rush revealed that he thinks you have to take a birth control pill every time you have sex. Personal to Mr. Limbaugh’s one million ex-wives: What on earth did you tell him? Did this have something to do with at least getting him to eat a Tic Tac beforehand?
These GOP dudes (and some Democrat dudes, and even some women) definitely dislike ladybits because of the ladyflower’s ongoing destruction of society through facilitating female pleasure and constantly tempting everyone, but it’s also possible that many GOP members were so terrified of ladybits because they think our tinderboxes are studded with laser beams, plutonium and ninja werewolf guards. Because, as you may have noticed…
3. Holy crap, were Republican politicians ever plateheaded about rape.
In the process of trying to chip away at reproductive rights, Republican men tried to narrow the definition of what was “legitimate” rape. Paul Ryan referred to it as just a “method of conception” and his legislative pal Todd Akin theorized magical pregnancy-prevention powers and another dingleberry said that from a father’s point of view, having his daughter get pregnant from a rape was pretty much the same as having her get pregnant out of wedlock. And let’s not forget the House GOP attempt, led by Eric Cantor, to stop Native women on reservations from being able to prosecute their attackers in tribal courts.
I have honestly been fretting for days over writing this section because the number of political candidates and actual elected lawmakers who said such boneheaded things about rape that it made one wonder whether they had been huffing condensed stupid was so enormous that I was actually worried that I would miss some, or that this section would dwarf everything else. So instead of trying to organize the stampede of idiocy into lists and bullet points, I’m going to take a deep, cleansing breath, refuse to root for an invasion of guy-curious probe-happy aliens, and refer you to Mr. Stephen Colbert.