Despite the claims of both Lady Gaga and science that baby, we were born this way, a Christian magazine called Charisma has finally found a real answer to the question “Why are gay people gay?” And the answer is demons. Specifically, sex with demons.
According to Charisma’s extensive research, which basically consisted of asking “former stripper-turned-ministry leader” Contessa Adams, “What’s up with demon sex, yo?” there are lots of ways otherworldly hellions can get into your pants. But these celestial goblins are not content just to bed you. Says Charisma:
Now, don’t panic. You might not be possessed at all. There’s a simple way to diagnose whether or not you’ve accidentally scissored with satan. Take a look at this photo and answer the following question.
This picture makes me feel things:
If you answered “A,” you’re in the clear. No demons have bamboozled your vagina. If you answered “B” or “C,” you’re a raging homosexual, which means you’ve fingerbanged evil.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “I did not have sex with a demon!” But yes, actually, you did. That’s why you’re gay. Don’t give me that crap about biology and genetics and whatever other “science” malarky. Demon sex is a thing you did and now you’re a homosexual and you’re just going to have to live with it. But how did it happen? Well, I’m glad you asked, because I spent half my life in a Southern Baptist church, so I know some things about spiritual warfare. A lady devil made relations with you in one of these ways:
1) She tricked you into thinking she was a human. This is the most common way people accidentally have sex with gay demons. They very rarely come to you dressed in head-to-toe red with horns and a pointy tail. I mean, sometimes they do at Halloween or something, and your thinking gets clouded due to spandex and liquor, but gay demons are also masters of disguise. They can look like voluptuous leather goddesses or like tiny adorable hobbits.
So you let your guard down and then BOOM!, you’re doing gay demon sex.
2) She got you when you were asleep. That’s how it happened to known gay demon sexualizer Contessa Adams: “[Demons] often prey on people by performing sexual acts through nightmares and erotic dreams,” she says. This one is actually a little frustrating to me because I have been having dream sex with Doctor Who companion River Song at least once a week for the last three years, and I am not yet a Time Lord, but one romp in the hay with a dream succubus, and I’m a lesbian for life? Come on, Satan.
3) She told you she was a demon, but you did it with her anyway. This is the trickiest maneuver of all. A she-devil tells you how she’s no good for you, how she’s only going to break your heart, how sticking around until the morning isn’t really her cup of tea. And for some reason, that makes you want to have gay demon sex even more. Maybe she even literally said, “I am a demon.” And you were all, “I like a challenge.” And now you’re paying the price with eternal lesbianism.
It’s important to remember in these trying times that you’re not alone. Salon.com, which first reported on Charisma‘s homo-medical breakthrough, points out that the demon-fighting group New Apostolic Reformation has ties in high places: Senator Sam Brownback, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, and Sarah Palin are all linked to NAR. Maybe one day one of them will finally be elected president of these United States of America and we can put a stop to all these demons doing all these gay shenanigans. Until then, we’re screwed — literally. According to Adams: “Some people become so dependent upon these demonic experiences that they actually look forward to them.”