“Mistresses” recap (1.10): Femme Fatale

Hot Dad decides that April is too sweet to give Zombie Paul the verbal decapitation he needs to be gone for good, so he goes to do it himself. Zombie Paul isn’t having it, and even goes so far as to tell Hot Dad it’s only a matter of time before April takes him back. The testosterone gets the better of them, so they stop using their words and duke it out.

Dom gets a little peckish at Casa Davis and Savi starts freaking out because she has no groceries and crap did she totally forget how to be self-sufficient? Dom says not to worry and tries to be cute and flirty and convinces her to go to the mall for some grub, where they walk around like a couple of teenagers on a date. Savi even goes so far as to make a baby daddy joke, which he takes in stride.

Back at her office Karen gets a visitor,  a superhot new attorney who was sent to her by an anonymous friend. She tells Karen what we already know, that psychowife isn’t after her money, she wants to DESTROY her. The superhot attorney is super shady and uses her mesmerizing accent to try ask Karen which of her friends is the prettiest little liar, because she needs a fake alibi. Karen, for once in her life, makes the correct decision and says she won’t put any of her friends in that position. (Don’t worry, this is a one-off, she’ll go back to making terrible decisions soon.)

The couple Olivier has set out to charm chose Joss’s “kink” package, so Joss leads them to a swanky bar with pretty people all about. Olivier is curious as to what is so kinky about this place and Joss literally counts down 3, 2, 1… CABARET!

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It’s a beautiful thing, really. The New York couple seems really into the cabaret, but Joss is over it, she’s seen it so many times she could practically jump up there and do the dance with them. Instead, she says she’s going to step out to check on her sick girlfriend. Olivier tells her that she wears commitment gorgeously, in a way that makes him seem like he doesn’t respect that commitment.

Hot Dad goes by April’s to show off his fat lip, but April is not impressed. She would like to fight her own battles, thank you very much. Hot Dad gets mad that April is mad, and tells her that she can’t use him as a shoulder to cry on and then get upset when he tries to help by punching her dead ex husband in the face. I’m going to try really hard not to hold Hot Dad’s flawed logic against him, because he’s one of the good ones.

After a boring happy hour with his horny business partner, Harry decides to come over to fix Savi’s leak after all. Since poor Savi is getting the karmic blowback from not only her poor choices, but the poor choices she’s allowed her friends to make, of course Harry catches her and Dom giggling together as they come in from their trip to the mall.

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At the Kink Club, the cosmopolitan couple leaves with the hot young bartender in tow. This doesn’t faze Olivier, because they have officially signed on as a client, thanks to Joss. Olivier’s car pulls up and Joss teases him for driving a DeLorean. He geeks out a little about Back to the Future, and Joss wants to keep making fun of him, but mostly she just wants to drive it. And, of course, he lets her.

April goes to visit Zombie Paul, and tries to give him a happy medium. She’s still not ready to let him disturb Lucy’s life, but she whips out a photo album and tells him about the life he missed while he was playing dead.

Karen goes home to find her stalker waiting. She’s not surprised that he’s standing outside waiting for her, but she is surprised that he’s the one who sent the big shot attorney. She invites him inside because she’s dead-set on being the first Mistress to get killed off this show. Her and Sam sit nice and close to each other, and she says, “I can’t talk about this with you because it’s a very complicated situation but here let me tell you everything.” Sam offers to be her alibi, because of course he does, he would kill the entire population of LA for her. Karen leans in and touches his baby face, and then they make out. It’s been real Karen, I hope your friends have a nice photo of you to use on your “MISSING” posters.

Savi is finally starting to realize that maybe she can do this whole independent woman thing, and starts putting a crib together all by herself.

Joss thanks Olivier for a fun joyride in his geeky car and smiles politely as he invites her over for a nightcap. She leans in real close and whispers in his ear… “No, merci.” Yeah, Joss!

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Enjoy that rejection while you can, ladies, because it looks like next week we’re in for a doozy. Whether it’s a dream (read: nightmare) sequence or not, only time will tell, but either way we have to suffer the indecency of watching the ever-stunning Joss get groped by Sleaze-meister L’Douche.

What did you think of “Indecent Proposals”?

Here are some of our favorite #HomoWrecker tweets from this week (I missed you guys!):


And don’t worry, guys, Jes Macallan just might save us all.

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