Archive

“Marry Me” recap (1.4): Annicurser-me

Last night on Marry Me, Annie and Jake celebrated their six-year date-iversary with friends-and Dennah’s date Liam in their apartment. Annie announces that the date will soon be retired due to their upcoming nuptials (date:tbd asap, btw) and everyone is happy to toast to that. RIP. Good riddance.

“Thank, Yeezus!” Kay exclaims. “‘Cause your date-iversary is cursed as hell.”

“Whoa! I know there have been the occasional incident through the years, but I don’t think it’s cursed,” Annie responds.

This cues a string of flashbacks that reveals how every celebration over the past six years has turned into a flaming hot mess.

Year Five: Jake has an allergic reaction during a fancy dinner and has to be stabbed with an epi-pen.

Year Four: Annie gets kicked in the face by a horse before a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Year Three: Jake’s car bursts into flames just as he and Annie were about to take a road trip to Calabasas.

Year Two: They wait in line forever at a bread pudding bistro just to have the eatery run out of bread pudding just as it is finally their turn.

Year One: Jake meets Annie for dinner. Seconds after he compliments her white, gauzy, almost sheer dress and her two hour, $200 Brazilian blow out, a woman screams and pulls the fire alarm causing the sprinklers to go off ruining Annie’s hair and soaking her dress to reveal her goods.

“You’re cursed, Lady lumps,” Kay confirms, when we’re back to present day.

But Annie and Jake takes it as a blessing and not a curse, when Liam informs everyone that the bread pudding bistro got shut down weeks later when rat droppings were discovered in the recipe. Besides, nothing bad has happened so far this year.

Then, as they clink their glasses, the lights go out. Gil finds the circuit box because his eyes have been trained to see in the dark due to not paying his power bill several times. But the worst isn’t over. It seems that the storm raging outside has been updated to a tornado warning and everyone receives a text alert telling them to seek shelter below ground.

Dennah starts to freak out, but Gil takes over. As a doomsday prepper, ahem, I mean, survivalista, he has left a Bug Out Bag, aka B.O.B., strategically located in each of his friend’s apartments. He pulls out the B.O.B., picks up Liam-who sprained his ankle tripping over the coffee table in the dark-and leads everyone downstairs to the basement storage unit to wait out the storm.

Dennah is impressed by Gil’s take-charge attitude, but Annie and Kay would rather talk about Liam. He’s hot. He’s British, he’s a doctorr and he seems like a genuinely nice guy.

“Forget about Gil. Let’s talk about Liam,” Kay insists. “When was the last time you were with a nice guy like that? 1990-never?”

Annie laughs. “Yeah, Dennah. Your track record with dudes is not great. The helicopter DJ, the hologram denier, Lamar Odom?”

“D-bags! Degenerates! D-listers!” Kay adds. Annie and Kay laugh as they enter the storage unit, but Dennah doesn’t think it’s so funny.

As the group gets settled into the storage basement, Gil pops out of a camouflage tent looking like Rambo and presents three blue buckets. One will be used as the toilet, the other as the kitchen and the third as a puke bucket if anyone confuses the toilet for the kitchen. He instructs everyone to fan out to look for things they can eat, drink or sharpen.

Kay opens a box and finds several bottles of Cabernet Soy-vignon-soy protein wine coolers Annie stocked up on when the FDA banned them for causing super puberty.

“Let’s drink!” Kay suggests.

In an effort to resuscitate the party, Annie agrees, but she becomes alarmed when Jake takes a swig. After all, he’s allergic to soy-0r is he?

And thus begins the first of many flashback to date-iversaries of years past as we discover what really happened during each of their celebrations. It turns out that last year Jake faked his allergic reaction to soy to distract Annie from being angry when he didn’t propose.

“I was in a impossible spot,” he explains. “There was no way out without you dumping me or me spoiling the fact that I was already ring shopping and I was planning on surprising you.”

Oh! Well, when you explain it like that…

Annie is willing to forgive him as long as he promise not to keep any more secrets now that they are engaged. He promises. Yet when Kay finds a locked drawer in his old desk, he refuses to open it, claiming that the contents are secret.

Annie and Jake retire to the tent to hash it out, and in the end, he convinces her to trust him. But trust doesn’t come so easily to Dennah and Kay.

Dennah pops her head into the tent after Jake leaves. “I don’t trust him,” she says.

Kay agrees. “Uh uh.”

Kay goes on to explain why she thinks Annie should find out what’s in the drawer but Dennah is too distracted by Gil to focus on the issue at hand.

“Are you really interested in Gil?” Annie asks.

“I knew it! Authority is like an instant romper dropper for her,” Kay tells Annie. “It’s just like that time….”

And we wiggle screen back in time to the date-iversary before last when the gang were standing in line for the Bruce Springsteen concert. A mounted policeman ordered Gil, Kay and Dennah to get to the back of the line and Dennah takes the opportunity to flirt with him. She grabs the horse the officer is on by the bridle, which makes the horse buck and kick Annie in the face. Annie realizes it was Dennah who caused her jaw to be wired shut for a month and not the curse after all. This makes Annie feel a little bit better, but she still wants to find out what is in the drawer.

The lights go out again and as Dennah runs to Gil’s side, Annie uses the opportunity to try to get the drawer open. When the lights come back on, she is caught trying to force it open. Jake and Liam don’t feel like Jake should have to open the drawer, but the women disagree. So Gil suggests electing someone to be in charge and make the decision. Of course, after promising to open the drawer in his campaign speech, Gil is elected.

Gil lets the power get to his head and starts making crazy rules. Liam isn’t sure what’s going on, but Kay explains that every time Gil succeeds at something he lets it get to his head and he goes way overboard.

Case in point: Jake and Annie’s three-year date-iversary. He brewed some homemade beer that Kay declares is delicious. She is so surprised that he made it himself. But that’s not all, Gil proclaims. After mastering the art of brewing beer, he had moved on to making his own gasoline.

“Please don’t tell me that you put that in your car,” Kay pleads.

“Oh, I don’t have a car,” Gil explains.

Cut to: Jake and Annie on their way to the Calabasas to visit the birthplace of the Kardashians when the car burst into flames.

Yet, another tragic accident that was caused by the actions of men and not a mysterious curse. Annie is relieved, but not satisfied enough to drop the drawer issue. She demands that Gil make good on his campaign promise. Jake throws the keys under the storage unit door and into the hallway as a last ditch effort to keep his secret, but that doesn’t stop Gil who cracks the door open with a crowbar.

Dennah get so excited by Gil’s show of force that she kisses him. Annie and Jake drop to the floor to wrestle for the papers that were in the drawer. Liam’s phone goes off and Kay announces that the storm has passed. Unfortunately, they are all locked in the storage unit with Jake’s keys out of their reach. While Jake is distracted by the news, Annie snatches the papers from his hand.

“A pre-nuptial agreement?” Annie is shocked and hurt. She can’t believe that before he even proposed, Jake had drawn up an exit strategy. She storms off to the tent, yet emerges a couple of minutes later when Gil suggests that someone crawl through the air vent to get go get help. As she climbs through, Jake explains that the pre-nup wasn’t for her. It seems that he was engaged before to a real deal crazy lady named Fantasia Yang. He knew it was wrong, so he got a pre-nup. Then, a restraining order. In fact, it was Fantasia who pulled the fire alarm in a jealous rage when she saw Annie and Jake together.

Kay confirms Jake story. “That girl was cray-ola.”

“Hey, how did you know her?” Jake asks.

“We got together. Had a little something. Talk about hot! Boom! Full disclose: I may have been the one who tipped Fantasia off that night.”

“Wait,” Annie interrupts. “You picked me over a crazy-hot bisexual asian chick?”

Annie is flattered. And this means that date-iversary wasn’t cursed either! There is no curse! Just as Annie starts to celebrate in the vent, it collapses and she falls to the ground in the adjoining storage room. Annie is about to give up when Jake reminds her that she always makes the best out of a bad situation. Inspired, Annie gets the bright idea to burn the pre-nup and raise it to the smoke detector. The alarm sounds and brings the maintenance man down to the basement to assess the problem.

Yay! They are saved! Now that the crisis is over, Dennah realizes what a fool she has been. As Dennah leaves the storage unit she tells Gil never to mention the kiss they shared to anyone or she will kill him.

“My lips are sealed,” Gil promises, “but still tingling.”

Annie and Jake reunite just as the sprinklers go off in the basement but the two make the best out of a bad situation. They kiss in the “rain” just as they did on their first date-iversary.

Then they rush Annie to the hospital to get checked out, because, you know, she did hit her head pretty had when the vent collapsed.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button