You know what doesn’t make sense? Remember that whole business where Tamsin told Bo The Wanderer in her kitchen was not The Wanderer who was her boss? Remember that? Has everyone forgotten that? Are we just not going to address that at all? OK, got it. Also, what about Tam-Tam and The Wolf hooking up? Also something we’re going to just not talk about? Cool, OK – mum’s the word.
But Lauren wants to talk about the prophecies she has found in her book, many of which have already come true:
“The warrior shall escape his curse.” Rainer escaping the Death Train. Check.
“The Valkyrie shall be reborn.” Tamsin returns for her last life. Check.
“The blood of Zamora shall be spilled.” Hale is killed. Check.
And then there are the others that haven’t happened yet:
“The Women of The Horse shall rise” and “Between the Warrior and the Queen, one of the two shall die.”
Lauren isn’t quite sure what those last two mean, but Bo informs her she is probably the Queen. Lauren goes into immediate panic mode and is like, we have to get you out of here. So, naturally, when presented with credible information that she is in mortal danger, Bo tells Lauren they need to process their relationship. If that’s not the most lesbian thing this show has ever done, I don’t know what is.
Bo asks Lauren why she is doing this. “This,” it should be noted, is trying to save her life. Instead Bo thinks it’s all a ploy to get back at her. For what? Hooking up with Rainer? I mean, I know lesbians all hate the thought of their girlfriend leaving them for a man, but making up fake prophecies as a form of revenge is pretty out there even for the worst exes in the world. I don’t care how much she hated The Kids Are All Right, to think someone would go that far is just nutso bananas.
Lauren says as much. And then she tells her that everything she has done – staying with the Dark, isolating herself, gaining Evony’s trust (and other, ahem, things) – was all for Bo. Hell, you can practically hear Bryan Adams crooning “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You” in the background. But instead of appreciating her romantic sacrifice, Bo goes all Real Housewives of Fae County and accuses Lauren of just digging up dirt on her man. Good thing Lauren doesn’t have a weave, because she might have pulled that, too.
But then shit gets really real.
Bo: I chose you. And you broke my heart.
Lauren: (deep breath, steps closer)
Fandom: DIE ALREADY, ASSHOLE.
Lauren rolls her eyes skyward, and leaves. Team Doccubus, forever being crotch-blocked by the BoNers of the world.
But, as they always say, the best cure for rejection is to get back on the horse. So when next we see Lauren, she is doing just that. In a silky negligee. While holding two glasses of champagne. In bed. IN EVONY’S BED.