Dude, if Lauren and Dyson knew what Bo was doing with her actual box, perhaps they wouldn’t be obsessing about the wooden one. Alas, the buddy rivals (it’s a thing), are drunkenly deliberating what to do with the mystery package. I think all major life decisions should be decided via drinking game, don’t you?
Then Lauren and Dyson play a little one Bo-manship. I know more than her rack size and underwear line. I sacrificed my love to save her. Yadda yadda. Vex has had enough and offers to officiate to settle the most boring threesome ever once and for all. Oh, Vex–honey, if only you really could.
So Bo and Tam are enjoying the afterglow. Bo says Kenzi missed her–sure, just Kenzi. And Tamsin says she needed to find her kind and has a lot to amend for. So she tells Bo there’s something she needs to tell her. Oh, nice, tell her after you guys, well, you know. But before she can one of the partygoers gets sucked into the wall. And he’s not the first–Bruce has gone missing, too. So much for the afterglow.
Back in the battle over Bo’s box (seriously, as metaphors go this one is the opposite of subtle), Lauren and Dyson are still comparing the size of their…importance in her life. I actually don’t mind this rather blatant fanning of the rival fandom flames, because Zoie Palmer playing drunk is almost better than Zoie Palmer singing in French. Almost. Palmerists have just about died and gone to heaven this season, I swear.
The competition ends when they acknowledge their mutual ability to let Bo down, repeatedly. And they hug it out in a drunken, “I love you man, even though I love Bo and you do too”-moment. Does it make me a bad shipper to say I like it when they all get along? Let’s all hold hands and sing “Kumbaya.”
Speaking of holding hands, Lauren decides to reward Vex for his, um, whatever by reattaching his hand. Drunken ideas are the best ideas. I mean the worst ideas. I mean the worst best ideas. Don’t lie, you’d totally let Doctor Hotpants perform drunken surgery on you.
Also drunk and not to be trusted with a scalpel is Trick. Bo and Tamsin try to get information from him about how they got an unwanted ticket to Groundhog Day: The Experience, but he has chosen a bathtub as a good place to sleep so that goes nowhere. Also, good rule of thumb, never trust anyone wearing a tie as a bandana.
Back in the Haus of Kale, our new lovebirds are still at it. But Hale’s sexy talk just keeps getting worse and worse. Note to all humans: Never try to work the phrase “burning sensation” into a pick-up line. (Unless, you’re actually on fire, in which case stop trying to mack and call 911.) Hey, hold up, why do we keep seeing this same make-out moment between these two? Is someone also caught in Da Loop?
Yeah, Hale is stuck in Yule-gatory (I tried, OK) with them. So they’ll never get to use those “Fat Free” and/or “Fig-Flavored” condoms Bo left Kenz in her “First-Time-With-A-Fae” care pack. Fig flavored? These are the times I’m extra happy to be a lesbian.