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“Lost Girl” recap (4.07): Draw me like one of your French girls

ZUT ALORS! A few very important safety precautions before we start. 1) If you are standing, please sit. 2) If you are sitting, please lie down. 3) If you are lying down, please prop pillows around your body. 4) Regardless of your position, please make sure you have smelling salts nearby. OK, everyone properly situated? Remember, this is for your own health and well-being. Also, I cannot be held liable for any falling, fainting or other forms of loss of consciousness that may befall one because of what happens in this episode. You have been warned.

When last we saw Bo, she was caught by the Una Mens in a post-compromising position with Dyson. Una Swinton said the Wolf had broken the Codex of Laws and everyone was all snarly. So, naturally, when next we see Bo she and Kenzi have kidnapped a monk. OK, it makes more sense if I tell you they’re trying to get information from him on where the Una Mens took Dyson. Long story slightly shorter, Dyson isn’t imprisoned for doing the nasty with a Dark Fae, but for being nasty and killing humans and Fae alike in 1899. So he is set for execution without trial.

Bo is all, whoa, I forgot how old my boink buddy is. But also knows that is something Dyson would not do, no matter how long in the tooth that old wolf really is. But, these Una Mens means business. And to show us how much they mean business we witness the sacrifice of the Scavenger, who gets summarily dismissed, permanently. Look, I’m by no means on Team Wolf, but I also don’t want to see the D-Man get shafted like that. None of that was as dirty as it sounded, I swear.

So, who do you call when your ex-boyfriend and current friends-with-benefits gets slated for execution? Your ex/possibly current/certainly interested girlfriend. Man, there are not nearly enough Facebook relationship status update options for the complicated couplings on this show.

Bo thanks Lauren for coming, and Lauren says of course I came. Again, none of that was as dirty as it sounded. Bo says she wasn’t sure Lauren would still help Dyson what with the whole Bloods v. Crips thing the Light and the Dark have going. But Lauren says, don’t be silly, Dyson is family. I mean, that dirty dog is hundreds of years old — you know he got drunk and switched teams at least once during all those centuries.

Bo confesses the Una Mens caught Dyson with her, in the dirty sense. Lauren says oh. And then proceeds to put probes down Bo’s cleavage, which elicits an automatic Succubus smile. Can you blame the girl? Lauren apologizes for the accidental breast graze and Bo says, honey, never apologize for touching my fair ladies. Oh, believe me, the boob jokes have only just begun.

But the moment is broken by the Oracle (remember her from Season 1?), who tells them to save the soy candles and Tegan and Sara music for another time because she has places to go and people to channel. Lauren finishes prepping them with the equipment she took without asking from the Dark. This whole think Dark to be Dark Lauren is really growing on me.

The Oracle is there to help Bo go back into Dyson’s memories. Which is good, because she says even she can’t see into the black hole of Bo’s memories. Then there’s some conversation about how she thought Bo was The One to lead the Fae to freedom. I’m pretty sure Keanu Reeves just woke up in a cold sweat. Oh! Guest star idea: Carrie Anne Moss. Think about it, Lost Girl.

Lauren brings out the final component for the memory channeling exercise: The Red String of Fate. The Oracle yells, “Hold up, not cool, we might as well be on American Horror Story: Asylum and lobotomize Bo right now.” Lauren’s yells back, “Shut up, I’m not that creepy Nazi sanatorium doctor who I can now no longer think of as the kindly old farmer from Babe. This is the only way.”

Legend has it the gods used to wrap the Red String of Fate around the ankles of those destined to meet regardless of time, place and circumstance. They will be using it to bind Bo, Dyson and the Oracle while Lauren stays put as the constant. Aw, that’s kind of sweet. Bo will go into Dyson’s memories, but her subconscious will remain here so his past will mix with her present. Translation: Things are about to get freaky-deaky. Also, the Oracle gives her a spoiler alert that when she makes an appearance Bo will have to untie the string and get out or risk going permanently loco inside Dyson’s mind. That was a lot of exposition, but dude do we ever need it because down the rabbit hole we go.

Lauren asks Bo one last time if she is sure she wants to do this (Read: Is he worth it?) and Bo says she’d do it for Lauren, too (Read: I’m not picking favorites.)

In a cozy Una Mens dungeon across town, Dyson is getting his last sponge bath. I guess it makes sense cleaning a man on Death Row. I mean, your mama always tells you to put on clean underwear just in case. But these cleaning monks look oddly familiar. Yep, it’s Kenzi and Trick helping Dyson get rid of that not-so-fresh feeling and trying the Red String of Fate around his ankle.

With the bond made, it’s time to allons-y! p.s. You might want to bust out the French/English dictionary because things are about to get Francofabulous up in this joint. And with a whoosh, Bo wakes up in the sepia-toned 19th Century, naked, in bed, with two sisters. Oh, Dyson, you truly are a dirty, dirty dog.

Holy body swap, Batman! So Bo is Dyson and Dyson is being chased by the farmer whose daughters he just defiled. They corner her/him and all seems grim until a short fellow brandishing a bow staff comes to the rescue offering sanctuary. Hi there, Ninja Trick. Love the robe.

Bo/Dyson wonders aloud if the sanctuary serves ale which is a neat little bit of foreshadowing for the Dal. Trick then tells Bo/Dyson that he can be more than just a thief and philanderer; he can be a powerful force of good. Trick tells Bo/Dyson about the ancient Hell Shoes being sought after by all the Fae biggies including “The One Who Wanders.” The legend has it wars have been waged over them, but they can only be worn by a worthy hero. Trick wants him to intercept the shoes, which have been discovered by some Spanish Prince. Oh, and he’s not “Trick” until just then, because Bo/Dyson gives him that nickname. Don’t you just love it when Lost Girl finally peels back another layer of the onion?

Back in the present, Lauren is monitoring Bo, who begins muttering key phrases.

Bo: Shoes. Milkmaids. Boobs. Hell Shoes. Bow staff. Trick. He Who Wanders. Hell Score. BOOBS.
Ah, but of course — boobs. It’s good to know Bo/Dyson/this show has it’s priorities straight. Lauren tries to get more coherent information from Bo about the Wanderer, but boobs it is.

Back in Dyson’s memories, Bo wanders herself into the heavenly Cabaret du Ciel and is greeted by a Kenzi-shaped angel/barmaid. Gosh, Dyson’s memories just keep getting better and better. Angel Kenzi tells Bo/Dyson all about the Prince/Vex who has arrived to seek an audience with the evening’s main attraction, the enchanting chanteuse Flora Blooms.

I swear, it’s like they’re competing to get into Boobs O’Clock now.

What happens next proves that Lost Girl understands — like really, truly understands — its fanbase. Because next we see Zoie Palmer in a silky bustier corset and fishnet thigh highs singing in French. IN FRENCH. Yes, lesbian fandom, there is a Santa Claus.

Bo likes it. Dyson likes it. Little Dyson likes it. I like it. You like it. Also, in case you were wondering, yes, that’s really Zoie singing. Show runner Emily Andras has confirmed it so you can now swoon just that much harder at The Palmer. C’est magnifique!

Bo/Dyson is enjoying her trip through the subconscious when an unseen force draws her away, much to her chagrin. But Flora/Lauren isn’t done singing yet — in French! Never before have I sympathized with a fictional character so completely.

In the present, Hale is pleading for Dyson’s life before the Una Mens. They’re unconvinced, and even more pissed when Kenzi’s ringtone interrupts the proceedings. So Kenz gets thrown into the slammer and slated for execution along with Dyson. See, this is why I always set my phone to vibrate — among other reasons.

Meanwhile Bo/Dyson has snuck into Lauren/Flora’s dressing room. She greets his arrival with a knife to the chest, then a kiss, then a slap, then more kissing. It’s like Doccubus shippers’ internal monologue during this episode. Bo is kissing Lauren, I love it! Dyson is kissing Lauren, I hate it! Wait, I’m so confused. Oh, just go with it.

Bo/Dyson tells Lauren/Flora about the prince and how he’s carrying more than just coin — he’s got some very special shoes. This gets Lauren/Flora intrigued, and her eyelash batting at Bo/Dyson cranks up to 11. She declares the shoes her way out and convinces Bo/Dyson to help her and split the profits. It doesn’t hurt that she’s wearing this while she proposes the deal.

Then, quite literally, Lauren invites Bo to “explore my land.” And, heavens, do they ever explore.

Over the magnificent hills.

Into the uncharted woods.

To brave new worlds they go.

OK, so it’s best not to look in the mirror lest we realize Dyson is actually doing this to Lauren. So, yeah, this is happening. But for purely investigative purposes, or something.

Welcome to Lost Girl, the show determined to let us see exactly what each and every insane crackship that comes out of fandom’s fever dreams looks like in living color.

The real Lauren is still monitoring the memory spelunkers as Bo’s heart rate increases. Lauren wishes aloud she could see what Bo was seeing. Girl, you’d better think twice about that. Then Bo moans Lauren’s name and the good doctor catches on with a smile. Yep, even in Dyson’s subconscious Bo is thinking about her. Score one for the doctor. Unless, of course, it’s actually Dyson thinking about her. Lauren’s face goes from the comedy mask to the tragedy mask in a split second.

At that same split-second in the mixed-up past a post-coital Lauren/Flora responds to a knock at the door. It’s Prince Vex and his Castilian lisp come to court Flora. She obliges, and blindfolds him so she can properly check out his merchandise. Minds out of the gutter, I meant the shoes.

He catches her, Bo/Dyson catches him with a right hook. And then Bo/Dyson gets the bright idea to have Lauren/Flora put on the Hell Shoes to escape with them undetected. Except these are some truly killer flats. As soon as she puts them on her eyes go, well, evil. And then her feet burn. Poor girl has been reverse Cinderella-ed, because the Hell Shoes were not intended for her and now won’t come off.

Right, so I know we’re all still trying to process what just happened. Bo did Lauren as Dyson. I know, I know — this is a love triangle on the brown acid they warned people about at Woodstock. It’s so trippy it’s hard to care even a little about Dyson’s impending execution which we all know won’t happen because they’ve also now threatened to execute Kenzi. Kill the dog, sure — I mean, they did it in Old Yeller. But hurt the Kenzi? Inexcusable! (Just kidding about killing the dog — never kill the dog. I hated Old Yeller.)

Dyson isn’t worried either. He’s impressed. Kenzi snuck in through the sewers (to mask her scent, among other things) and he thinks it’s time he start training her in earnest to have a place among the Fae. He wants to train her to become a Shadow Thief which, indeed, sounds like a bitchin’ Xbox game.

Back in similarly stinky period France, Bo/Dyson follows a trail of bloodied bodies searching for Lauren/Flora. The Oracle appears and tells her it’s time to cut the string and get the hell out. She also has some choice hygiene tips for 19th Century French people.

Bo says she can’t leave yet because she doesn’t have enough to clear Dyson’s name. Also there’s a weird coach walking around in a track jacket with a slop bucket that doesn’t make any damn sense. The Oracle calls Bo brave for staying, and something else. Something new. But she’s not about to stick around to find out what that is and unties her string.

The Oracle wakes with a start in bed next to a still unconscious Bo. She is frantic to leave, ranting about everyone being dead now because of those damn shoes. But Lauren demands she “Get in bed!” which normally would be enough to weaken anyone’s knees, but in this instance is filled with pure desperation.

Bo is trapped inside Dyson now — you can see why Lauren might be a little desperate to rectify this situation. You know, aside from the fact that without her Bo will likely go insane, I’m really going to miss the Oracle. So few people employ the term “suck my left tit” with such aplomb. Also, you’ve got to love how this show calls back to characters from seasons long past and uses the same actors to do so. That is mad fresh continuity, yo.

Back in Dyson’s memories, Bo has found Lauren/Flora — or should I say the WolverLauren? Flora and her knuckle claws have cut a bloody swath of destruction through the city. She can’t stop, she won’t stop. It’s her party and she can do what she wants, Miley said so.

Then, well, then Lauren and Bo fight. Admit it, no one trolls harder than Lost Girl writers. Have everyone jump into everyone else’s bodies? Of course! Have Kenzi and Dyson make out? You betcha! Have Lauren kiss Evony? Damn tootin! Have Dyson do Lauren? Hell yeah! Have Bo and Lauren duke it out? Abso-freaking-lutely! It’s like they want us to lose our damn minds.

I bet this whole episode was kind of a blast for the actors, especially Zoie. She gets to sing and smolder and say everything in that flirty French accent. Also she gets to finally go badass with something other than her brain.

Claws are flying, and not in that stereotypically sexist catfight way. I mean, the lady has claws. But Bo has her own secret weapon. She has a wolf. So WolverLauren and WolfBo throw down.

But one hug — well, more like emphatic embrace — finally snaps Lauren/Flora out of her homicidal rage and she’s back to her soft brown eyes which are now filled with regret. Bo/Dyson says it’s not her, it’s the shoes. He tells Flora he loves her, but she knows better. His love is yet to come. And when she does she will… A shot rings out and we’ll never know what she’ll do. Because Flora is dead.

Real Lauren is doing everything she can to wake Bo up out of Dyson’s memories. She considers untying her string herself. But then decides to do something even crazier. She tied the Oracle’s string around her own ankle and comes in. Well, I guess it’s only fair Lauren gets to be inside Dyson for a change. Ahem.

She scribbles something on the mirror and hopes aloud that Bo will see it. But what Bo sees is Flora’s body and the man who killed her, the man who was consorting with the prince in the cabaret earlier and is after the shoes. He says he has been instructed by “them” to get the shoes at whatever the cost. He says “they” are counting on everyone believing it was Dyson who killed all those people because of his reputation. And then he lays a heavy guilt trip on Dyson. How his whole life has been stealing and screwing and he should just run like he always does. He says his actions killed Flora, and Dyson agrees. But Dysons doesn’t run. And he doesn’t give up the shoes. He says “they” will have to kill him first.

But it doesn’t get to that because Ninja Trick is back with his trusty bow staff. Man, why doesn’t modern-day Trick keep one of those around. He’s darn handy with that thing. But he’s not after the shoes, he just wants to know if Dyson wants to be his travel buddy to the New World.

While Bo is living Dyson’s memories, Dyson is recounting them to Kenzi. He’s still filled with guilt about Flora’s death and his feckless past. But he might not have to worry that much longer because Una Swinton and the Mensy Bunch arrive to execute the execution. Una Swinton drones out a Latin phrase, “Mortis invenio in unitate,” which the bad Fae who killed Lauren also said to Dyson. I’m no Latin scholar, but I think it translates roughly to “find unity in death.” If that’s wrong, blame Google Translate.

Una Swinton asks Dyson if he has any last words. Kenzi accidentally steals them with copious, oh God, oh God, oh Gods. But then Dyson finds a few words after all and offers a trade. The Hell Shoes for Kenzi’s freedom. He has kept one, after all these years, in his possession. And if they release Kenzi he’ll reveal the location of the second.

In Bo’s version of Dyson’s memories, she has just buried Flora/Lauren and promised to hide the Hell Shoes so the same thing can never befall anyone else. But then who should emerge but Lauren, modern Lauren. You can see how a gal could get confused. Lauren tells Bo it’s time to wake up and cut the string. But Bo keeps seeing the coach and this time he has Dyson’s championship belt. Kenzi’s there, too, with fudgey nut ice cream. Of all the things that have happened in this crazy acid trip of a time warp memory jump, that actually makes sense. Of course she comes bearing ice cream, of course.

But now Bo gets it. Dyson has hidden the Hell Score in his championship belt. And she unties her string only to wake up next to an unconscious Lauren. She goes to untie her string, but sees what Lauren has written on the mirror — “Don’t cut the Red String.” So how will she wake her up? Like all good Disney princes wake up their princesses. With a kiss.

Granted, she’s a succubus and her kisses do tend to pack quite a punch. But one little kiss does the trick and Lauren awakens. She’s a little confused and wants to make sure Bo is still Bo so she implores her to say something. Bo says, “I know how to save Dyson.” Yep, still Bo.

Una Swinton and the Mensy Bunch are back from searching Dyson’s hiding place. But they did not find the Hell Score. Instead Bo and Lauren swoop in with the prophetic footwear, having gotten to it first. Considering it was wrapped in one of Dyson’s old jockstraps, I’m not sure if it still counts as winning. Still Bo demands Dyson and Kenzi’s freedom for the old shoe. Then a familiar voice goes all Latin on us from behind the executioner’s mask. It’s the man who killed Flora, and he was working for the Una Mens all along. So they killed Flora, and knew Dyson hadn’t killed those people. Una Swinton, you got some ‘splaining to do.

Back at the Dal the group savors the sweet taste of freedom with, what else, some congratulations-you-weren’t-executed hotdogs. Lauren, the Lauren we love not the very entertaining French floozy we just met, complains about not being able to walk and keep mustard off herself at the same time. And Kenzi gets all nostalgic about having the gang back together. Bo says the Red String of Fate has been tied around all of them. And Lauren is like, “Really? Because I prefer twosomes to threesomes.”

Bo turns to Dyson to see what the quiet wolf is thinking. He makes a really bad sex joke and then Bo responds saying their minds work well together. And Lauren is like, “Seriously? I’m a Nobel-level genius scientist who can sing in fluent French. That’s a real beautiful mind.” But, you know, in her head.

Kenzi asks Dyson what happened after he buried Flora. He went to see Trick, who tells him he is destined to be a hero. He says, together, they can start a new Fae colony without all the war and bloodshed. And he also lets slip that, no biggie, I’m totally the Blood King. Dyson swears fealty to him and here we are 114 years later.

Dyson calls Trick his savior and Bo finally calls bullshit on all of his secrets. Why hasn’t Trick told her more? Why hasn’t Trick helped her find out why she was taken? Kenzi has her back and says he hasn’t because he is scared of something, someone. So out little Bo-Bo says she’s done waiting. It’s time to figure out this Wanderer business once and for all.

She asks Dyson where the second shoe is. He gave it to Angel the barmaid, who was also a shifter and told her to run. For a second I’m really excited because I think we’ll be seeing more of Kenzi in that angel getup. But still, I’m a might curious about who is going to be wearing those wings. Dyson says she’ll be waiting for the true hero. And Bo says she’d better be ready, because here she comes. Cue inspirational Rocky music.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Well, it’s really not a terrible way to die.

“I always imagined I’d go hotel poolside. You know, Twizzler in one hand, Liam Neeson in the other.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Dr. Hot Bustier has a certain je ne sais quoi about it, non?

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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