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“Lost Girl” recap (4.05): Put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it

“Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide…” Oh, sorry, was I singing out loud? I’ve had “Bohemian Rhapsody” stuck in my head for three days now thanks to what transpired last Sunday night. Like, at first I couldn’t believe it was real. This had to be some sort of grand illusion or shape shifter or sex robot. But, no, it was real. It happened. It was a goddamn Harlequin romance cover sprung to full-blown life.

Great, now I have “Afternoon Delight” in my head instead.

Right, so I guess I should start at the beginning. Bo’s blood has spoke, blah blah blah. Bo is Dark and so on and so forth. Is anyone else oddly attracted to Una Tilda Swinton Mens? I think it’s her alternative lifestyles haircut. Or the neckerchief. I’m a sucker for a good neckerchief. Just me? OK, moving on.

Bo is like “Bullshit!” which is a really fun card game, but a considerably less fun experience when it’s happening to you in real life. Still Una Swinton says their creepy gargoyle read her blood and in their book everything’s groovy between them now. So Bo is welcome to peace out.

But being aligned means Bo will have to change all of her business cards from “The Unaligned Succubus” to “The Dark Knight.” In other words, it’d be a huge freaking hassle. But Una Swinton tells her to take it up with the leader of the Dark. Bo decides to vaccu-suck the room, because apparently I wasn’t the only one with a thing for monotoned androgynous hotties on a power trip.

But it turns into an unwilling game of Suck and Blow for Bo as they boomerang back their own chi and take a little extra from her for good measure. Bo staggers off, but no worries there is always plenty to eat. She grabs a quick threesome in the Morrigan’s waiting room while Kenzi takes a number. They’re all “69,” because of course they are all “69.” You’ve gotta admit, at least the Dark know how to have some fun.

With her double Ds recharged (batteries, not what you were thinking—pervert), we survey her current predicament. Her blood says she’s Dark. Her ex-boyfriend is off looking for her ex-girlfriend. Her BFFs former mascara buddy sold her out. I think the “It’s Complicated” Facebook status was created just for Bo. Her number gets called and Bo storms in to confront Vex. But, surprise, it’s Evony and her bob.

Ding, dong, this witch isn’t dead. Though, once again, I’m not feeling that wig. Did someone in the Lost Girl costume department accidentally buy a whole shipping container full of wigs last summer? And are we now being subjected to them to make up for that error?

Trick is back at the Dal—which is in and of itself interesting since where the heck was he all last episode?—and looking for intel on The Wanderer. He’s also hiding some sort of magic bean. Don’t get it wet or feed it after midnight. Hold up, I think I’m confusing my cautionary tales. A shadowy figure says he’s been summoned before the Una Mens and tells him to get his life story straight. Um, doesn’t he basically write history? I mean, he’s the Blood King.

Bo and Kenzi have accepted Evony’s invitation to their first-ever Dark Fae party. They brought Tamsin, too, because Dark sticks with Dark — OK, that sounds bad. Scratch that. Pretend that never happened. Despite the bad swag and lack of UFC fighters, Kenzi tries to embrace her inner Darkness because these free drinks won’t drink themselves.

Evony slinks in, with possibly another albeit better wig, and offers up a human buffet to Bo. She promptly dismisses the food—perhaps she’s on a Paleo diet—and tells Evony to not get too used to her company. She’s looking for Vex. You know how the enemy of my enemy is my friend? Well, they both want Vex so Evony offers her resources to catch him and appease the Una Mens. She says she’s Bo’s friend. She says she’ll prove what kind of friend she can be.

Who am I kidding? You’ve skipped the last nine paragraphs and went straight for the good stuff, haven’t you? I could have written, “The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog…” for pages and pages and you would never have noticed. Fine. You win. I won’t make you wait one second longer.

And the lesbian panties go BOOM. Who should stroll across the lawn other than a sun-dappled Lauren. But this isn’t just Dr. Lauren Lewis. This is Dr. Lauren Lewis in a flowing little black dress with the wind gently blowing her lustrous golden hair. She seems lit from within. She seems perfect. She is perfect. You know in cartoons when characters rub their eyes with accompanying wiper sounds in order to prove something that seems too good to be true is really true? Yeah, it’s like that.

Inside now, they stare at each other for a beat. They agree they have a lot to talk about. And then they make out like horny teenagers underneath the bleachers. But, unlike horny teenagers, these ladies know exactly what they’re doing. There’s no clumsiness, no fumbling. This is ripped from the pages of steamy romance novels stuff, people. We’re talking taking her from behind. We’re talking over the shoulder kisses. We’re talking leave the mini-quiche tray because we’re going to need it later to refuel for the second round.

Let’s just watch it in an endless loop together until we pass out from sheer bliss, shall we?

Yes, it required three screencaps and three gifs. Hell, it was hard to post only three of each. Also, if you didn’t feel at least a twinge of solidarity with the waiter who takes his time backing away slowly after leaving the mini-quiches, you’re lying to yourself. We’re all just hanging out in that doorway pretending we’re not pervy bastards, too.

Yeah, I snuck one more screencap in. So sue me.

OK, so all through this next scene with Trick where the Una Mens question him and provide needed exposition about Fae history and why the ancient order came to be (short version: Blood King became corrupt, council was formed, but the king betrayed them and stole a magic seed), I kept wondering whether the Lauren scene was real. Did we all just have a mass hallucination? Is it an evil trick? Is it an illusion? Did I accidentally take acid and now I’m on the best trip ever? Also, how does this seemingly all-knowing council not know Trick is the Blood King? Oh stop asking questions and just enjoy the hot geeky doctor talk.

Kenzi and Tamsin, meanwhile, are certainly enjoying the sushi buffet. That is until Kenz picks up a spicy salmon roll only to find Bruce. Yes, friends, it’s a Brushi platter. I hope they gave whoever pitched that joke in the writer’s room the appropriate rim shot sound effects afterward. Puntastic, people.

Kenzi makes the big guy get up and tries to find him a shirt. But considering I’ve seen sequoia trunks smaller than his torso, she grabs a tablecloth instead. Underneath the table, however, are the not-so-dearly deceased bride and groom whose party the Morrigan has hijacked. The Dark don’t pay for their own parties, let alone Brushi buffets.

Back in Snog City, Bo and Lauren are still at it. They pause for the requisite catch up, but also because perhaps their lips are beginning to chap. Hey, it happens. It goes a little something like this.

Bo: Hi, I’m Dark.

Lauren: Hi, I’m working for The Morrigan.

Together: You’re WHAT?

[Resume making out anyway.]
The Morrigan walks in and voices our unspoken internal monologue. Enough with the processing, “Scissor already!” I’m going to get a tattoo that says “Scissor already!” I’ll give you three guesses where.

Evony tells Bo she’ll give her the means to catch Vex if she promises to bring him back to her. But, you see, there’s always a catch. And the catch in this case is a tragic Fae creature called The Scavenger. The tragic part is clearly that dress. I think this is where Pepto-Bismol goes to die.

When next we see our unlikely Evony’s Angels, Lauren is stepping out of a limo that says “Just Married” while Bo watches. OK, now I know the writers are just trolling us. Not to get all Jane Rizzoli on their asses, but really, really?

Scavenger Pietra ruins the moment, naturally. Poor dear has peed herself a little with excitement, quite literally. But she does manage to find some ceremonial knife that Vex needs to cut out the poison the Una Mens gave him. Also I think she murdered someone to get it, though if you pass out underneath piles of trash this sort of thing is bound to happen.

Kenzi and Tamsin are still at the party, partly to help Bruce and partly because there are still plenty of appetizers left to stuff into their pockets. Bruce tells them he was made slave to another, super-mean Dark Fae as punishment for helping Kenzi.

Bruce, dude, I’m going to need to see your license. There’s no way those guns can be street legal.

I know folks ship Kenzi and Hale, but I’ve always wanted Bruce and her to become a thing. I mean the size dichotomy alone makes for excellent comedy. Though right now, they’re more concerned about how to get the big guy out of this big mess. The only way for him to be released from his indentured servitude is for another Fae to become his master and take responsibility of him until his punishment is over. So of course this gives Kenzi the bright idea to have Tamsin become his master.

Tamsin bops on up to the DJ booth and declares her mastery of Bruce, and calls his old master a big donghead for good measure. Girl, for a Harbinger of Death, you need to work on those insults. What our gals didn’t realize, of course, is that there has to be a duel to the death before mastery can be taken over. Details, smetails. Also, this is Bruce’s master. She looks like the bad-ass offspring of Tara and Lafayette from True Blood.

While Bo and Lauren wait for Pietra to lure Vex in, they finally have their talk. Sure, this seems like a good time. I always like to have important and potentially volatile relationship talks while holding a syringe full of a powerful paralytic drug that Socrates often used as a hallucinogenic. By all means, let’s talk about that “break” now.

p.s. Mmmm, Palmer Arms, how I’ve missed you.

Their talk gets interrupted by a human marionette who comes for the blade. Bo runs after her to find Vex and Lauren stays to attend to Pietra’s grievous battle wound bruised shin. She’s a sad little thing, but she’s Team Doccubus so perhaps we can forgive that little murder thing earlier. All’s fair in love and ships.

Things go badly once Bo finds Vex, because things always go badly before they go well. I mean, they have to find some way to fill an hour. He jabs her with the drug instead. When she comes to Vex is brewing up a potion and blathering on about the irony of being box blocked by her ex’s “pointy thing.” Joke’s on you, buddy. I don’t think they even use a pointy thing. I mean, sure, maybe sometimes — to spice things up. I’m not adverse to it. And now I’m thinking about Dr. Hotpants strapping on and…. Yep, I’ll be in my bunk.

While Vex is finishing his strange brew, a potion to help him amputate his poisoned—and warty—right hand, Bo can’t stop talking about Lauren, Lauren, Lauren. They were just on a break, now they’re back, listen to the song of her heart. Unlike Pietra, Vex is apparently not Team Lauren because he stuffs a rag into Bo’s mouth to get her to stop carrying on about their great love. This must be what Dybo shippers must feel like all the time.

Over at Fight Club, Kenzi is psyching up Tam-Tam and telling her to protect her face. Gotta keep that money maker pretty. Tamsin wins the coin toss and gets to choose the mode of combat. She blurts, “I just want to dance!” And just like that we’re in an episode of So You Think You Can Dance to the Death. I am not going to lie, I’d totally watch that show.

Dance Dance Deatholution begins and Tamsin—oh honey. Tamsin is an adorable spaz. It’s all arms and a little shoulder and just not really twerking. I love it, don’t get me wrong. You should see me try to do Just Dance on Wii. I look like a defective robot being chased by bees.

Kenz comes in to help, and they do a little number they obviously whipped up some bored Friday night at the Suck Shack. Note to the Producers: I want all the deleted scenes from this dance sequence on the Season 4 DVD. I would pay a million-billion-jillion dollars for it, honest. You take personal checks, right?

Of course her challenger pulls out some mad crazy moves. Like flips and pops and locks and spins and shit I don’t even know the names for. Kenzi knows her girl has been out danced, so she tells her to go a little Valkyrie on her to bust her rhythm. But apparently being a little Valkyrie is like being a little pregnant — not a thing. So her challenger falls on her neck and Tamsin goes home with Bruce as her door prize.

Vex has finished his potion. His plan is to lop off his own poisoned right hand. But, unlike all of the other Mesmers before him who were hunted to extinction and slowly starved to death after their right hands were cut off, he plans to mesmerize another day by transferring his power to his left hand. Bo tries to stop him, but can’t. Still, she doesn’t exactly come away empty handed.

Bo returns to the Morrigan, with Vex’s liberated appendage and the new-found knowledge that it wasn’t him who pledged her to the Dark. They ask the Morrigan’s archivist for the information. He basically scalps himself (side note: ew) to find her pledge. I’ve heard of living history, but this is ridiculous. The signatures show Bo signed up for the Dark thanks to her sponsor, Rainer. So, finally The Wanderer has a name.

Of course, we still don’t really know who he is or more importantly where he is. And if Bo is going to ever revoke her Club Dark membership she’ll need to track him down. But things aren’t any less complicated over at Club Light. Trick is ready to go all Norman Bates on the Una Mens who he believes know who he really is. But instead they appoint him acting Ash. Wait, hold up, aren’t the Una Mens supposed to be all knowing or something. How do they not know he’s the Blood King?

Lauren shows up as Bo and the Morrigan are finishing their less-than-pleasantries. Evony says she has new things to “play” with, meaning our good doctor. Bo still hasn’t caught on, so she offers to whisk Lauren back to her old place with a long tandem soak in a claw-foot tub as added incentive.

But tempting as the offer is, Lauren says she can’t go back. The Light never looked for her when the Una Mens came to town, but the Dark sought her out. OK, to be fair, Dyson is looking for you now and the Dark had you spy banged. So, not really a terrific track record on either side really. Speaking of spy banging, where the hell is Crystal?

Lauren says the Dark offer her protection and give her the freedom to come and go as she pleases. Do I have to pull out the Rizzoli a second time? Really? Really? Sure, the Light Fae trapped you into becoming their servant with the whole cursed nail and everything. But basically everything Evony has ever said ever has been a lie or manipulation.

OK, so are we sure this isn’t some evil sex robot Lauren? Because the way she’s going on about choosing her own cage and isn’t it great they’re both Dark now I have to think something is up. So does Bo, because she tells her when she’s ready to come back to her real family to look her up. Well, that was the shortest non-break ever.

Bo goes to drown her sorrows in the bottom of a whiskey glass with Trick. Grandpa Light and granddaughter Dark have a good chuckle over their familial dysfunction. Could be worse, a branch of my family are born-again Christians. But while they drink, under the watchful middle finger of Vex’s severed appendage, Trick’s magic bean has been stolen. Get ready for Gremlins and/or a beanstalk. And then the Una Mens look up this Rainer fellow for themselves. What Una Swinton finds out makes them blanch. Well, I think she blanches. They’re pretty pale, living in their subterranean lair and all. “Never again,” she says. Yeah, lady, that’s what I said about the first Lauren/Bo break, but look how that turned out.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Our gal Kenz always knows what’s important — proper accessorizing.

“If you’re Dark does that mean I’m Dark, too? Because I am going to need like a serious image upgrade. We should talk clothing allowance.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Girl, I know the feeling. Sometimes those babies bring me to my knees, too.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

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