Meanwhile, in a dingy room with exposed pipes and bad lighting, Crystal and Lauren are chained up and being held prisoner. But even in the dingy light we can see it in all its glory. Yes, it’s back. Oh, Zoie Palmer’s Real Hair, I think I’ve missed you most of all. Sure, it’s a little limp and a lot of unwashed, but it’s hers–all hers.
An unwell-looking Crystal apologizes, profusely, for turning her in. She says she only did it because They said they wouldn’t hurt her. Lauren wants to know who “They” are and then a creepy voice comes on over the intercom. Great, is Lauren trapped in the Saw franchise now? Please, please don’t make anyone lop off anyone’s body parts. I don’t want to have to change Lauren’s nickname to Dr. Hot Wooden Leg.
In a subplot I’m less interested in, Kenzi gets kidnapped by Mossimo’s thugs. I get it, there’s an unhealthy addict/dealer relationship going on, but Mossimo is becoming an increasingly boring/annoying/unwelcome character in my book. And he has the worst taste in shirts. At least Vex and Evony have style.
Bo, who has followed Kenzi off on her shady mission, rescues her from the zip ties and goes to confront Mossimo once and for all for stealing all their stuff and also turning Kenzi into a Fae powers junkie. His lair is decorated in Creepy Druid Chic. Metal cages, lava pit, bubbling potions. He tells them about the potion Tamsin marked her with that Kenzi sealed with a kiss. Bo demands to know who took her. Why does anyone believe anything this greaseball says? Still they make a deal to erase Kenzi’s debts if they deliver some rare herb that grows on Lauren’s wall. Ah ha! So that’s what it is. It isn’t just a leafy green portal to another dimension, it’s a hanging rare herb garden. Oh, Dr. Hotpants, you do beat all, girl.
Back on the set of Saw, Lauren has discovered a tiny camera. She tells whoever is watching she’s done playing their little game. Crystal, in true gay gal fashion, wants to process instead. She slept with her because They made her. They wanted her to keep Lauren close. But then afterward it was different. Sound familiar?
Lauren looks up and laughs at the irony of it all. The spybanger is now the spybangee. Turnaround and fair play and so on and so forth. Well, at least the girl can still smile about her situation.
Then, what we’ve been waiting for almost four years happens. Finally, finally, we find out more about Dr. Lauren Lewis, a.k.a. Karen Beattie, a.k.a. The Stealer of Lesbian Hearts Everywhere. She has a brother, you see. He is her only sibling and they were inseparable and going to change the world, once upon a time.
But changing the world turned into blowing up pipelines and then 11 people died and then she ran. Just like that we’ve switched from Saw to The Weather Underground. Lauren made the bombs and gave them to her brother. No one was supposed to be there, so now every day she hates herself for what happened.
Wow. Just, wow. I knew her story would be epic and tragic. Heck, honestly, it’s not even that original since this sort of thing has actually happened to actual people in actual life. But, damn, to hear Zoie tell it really brings it all home. This poor woman has been running from herself the whole time.
The voice in the wall mocks her touching story, then commands her to remove the tarp from the big hulking thing that’s been sitting ominously in the middle of the room. What could it be? Severed head? Murder machine? A pretty pony? Nope, just scientific equipment. On a scale of terrifying possibilities, I give it a -2. The voice then tells her to test the blood and give a diagnosis for an Elder within the hour or Crystal dies. Lauren declares it all Light Fae bullshit and storms out while dropping the mic. Metaphorically.