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“Lost Girl” Recap (4.04): The Wind Beneath Her Wings

At last, our long international nightmare is over. So much pain, so much suffering. And for what, I ask you, for what? It’s not like it accomplished anything except confusion, anger and mental anguish. But just like that, poof, it’s over. Wait, you knew I was talking about The Wig, right? Right. Let us never speak of this dark period in all of our lives again.

Bo is working off some frustration in the boxing ring. She’s hitting Dyson. Yay! Now she’s hitting it with Dyson. Boooo! My eyes, MY EYES! First The Wig, now this. It’s like the Lost Girl writers love to watch us suffer, or something. While all this is happening might I suggest you go construct yourself a world-class sandwich. Like really go to town. Use three kinds of meats or cheeses for vegetarians or root vegetables for vegans—though, isn’t that really just a salad?

OK, where were we? Bo is blowing off steam about the whole being kidnapped, memory erased, wanted dead by the Una Mens and most importantly, the continuing lack of word from Lauren thing. Yeah, that’s the woman your boink partner decided to leave stranded on the side of the road. No biggie, not bitter.

At the Suck Shack, Kenzi is girl bonding with Teen Tamsin. The foundation of any good role model and underage ward relationship is the imparting of the skill and art of twerking.

Bo arrives fresh off her sparring match and is promptly burned by the righteous indignation of a million lesbian fans for her transgressions with Dyson. Or some ring of something Kenzi put down in the doorway to protect from malicious Fae is acting up. Whatever. Kenz gives her BFF a big, never-leave-me-again hug.

Teen Tam can’t remember anything about her past still, because she’s 2 weeks old and probably shouldn’t even be eating solid foods yet let alone cheesy poofs. But she does know she’s Dark Fae. And that she loves her some Mulder and Scully. Holy UFO conspiracy theory, is Tam-Tam coming back as a geekier version of herself? Because I will kiss Emily Andras right on the mouth in thanks if it’s so. On. The. Mouth. Get ready, Emily. Get ready.

With their teen charge safely parked in front of an X-Files marathon, Bo and Kenz sneak off for some quality drinking time together. But the Dal is like occupied France dead, so Bo decides to do what Bo does best. And what she does best is making the sexy happen.

I bet Bo’s whole iTunes account is filled with playlists like SexyTimes I, SexyTimes II, Super SexyTimes IV. This particular playlist features Toronto duo Thunderheist sexing it up with “Cruise Low.” Way to local-source your soundtrack, Lost Girl.

Needless to say, dancing, décolletage and undressing happens. You know, just another day in the life of Bo the Unaligned Succubus. Normal, normal.

Kenzi catches Mossimo sneaking out of the all-you-can-sex party and demands more Fae balm. He says she can’t afford it, she says she can’t not afford it. It’s your average, dysfunctional addict and Fae powers pusher relationship. Before leaving the Dal debauchery, Kenzi shows off her Sparkle Motion powers to Bo, who declares it freaking incredible. She wouldn’t think it was so freaking incredible if she knew what Kenz had to do to get it, though.

Flush from a night of dancing and ready to chow down on takeout, Bo and Kenzi return to find the Suck Shack has been stripped. They’ve been robbed. Though, is it robbing if there are holes in the walls that are literally big enough to carry a loveseat through? They rush to see if Tamsin is still OK and find she’s OK and also will no longer will get carded when buying beer. Earlier Teen Tam walked in on the robber and went all Valkyrie on them, which triggered a growth spurt. Now that’s the way to make an entrance, Rachel Skarsten. Welcome back, girl.

Bo goes to Dyson to report her breaking and entering, with Tamsin 2.0 in tow. He seems less worried about the loss of her stylish thrift store furniture and more interested in… OK, gross. A lot of none-too-subtle imagery ensues about going into all the stores and maxing out credit cards. Then Tam asks if she can go along on their “shopping” trip and/or invites herself into a threesome.

Meanwhile, in a dingy room with exposed pipes and bad lighting, Crystal and Lauren are chained up and being held prisoner. But even in the dingy light we can see it in all its glory. Yes, it’s back. Oh, Zoie Palmer‘s Real Hair, I think I’ve missed you most of all. Sure, it’s a little limp and a lot of unwashed, but it’s hers—all hers.

An unwell-looking Crystal apologizes, profusely, for turning her in. She says she only did it because They said they wouldn’t hurt her. Lauren wants to know who “They” are and then a creepy voice comes on over the intercom. Great, is Lauren trapped in the Saw franchise now? Please, please don’t make anyone lop off anyone’s body parts. I don’t want to have to change Lauren’s nickname to Dr. Hot Wooden Leg.

In a subplot I’m less interested in, Kenzi gets kidnapped by Mossimo’s thugs. I get it, there’s an unhealthy addict/dealer relationship going on, but Mossimo is becoming an increasingly boring/annoying/unwelcome character in my book. And he has the worst taste in shirts. At least Vex and Evony have style.

Bo, who has followed Kenzi off on her shady mission, rescues her from the zip ties and goes to confront Mossimo once and for all for stealing all their stuff and also turning Kenzi into a Fae powers junkie. His lair is decorated in Creepy Druid Chic. Metal cages, lava pit, bubbling potions. He tells them about the potion Tamsin marked her with that Kenzi sealed with a kiss. Bo demands to know who took her. Why does anyone believe anything this greaseball says? Still they make a deal to erase Kenzi’s debts if they deliver some rare herb that grows on Lauren’s wall. Ah ha! So that’s what it is. It isn’t just a leafy green portal to another dimension, it’s a hanging rare herb garden. Oh, Dr. Hotpants, you do beat all, girl.

Back on the set of Saw, Lauren has discovered a tiny camera. She tells whoever is watching she’s done playing their little game. Crystal, in true gay gal fashion, wants to process instead. She slept with her because They made her. They wanted her to keep Lauren close. But then afterward it was different. Sound familiar?

Lauren looks up and laughs at the irony of it all. The spybanger is now the spybangee. Turnaround and fair play and so on and so forth. Well, at least the girl can still smile about her situation.

Then, what we’ve been waiting for almost four years happens. Finally, finally, we find out more about Dr. Lauren Lewis, a.k.a. Karen Beattie, a.k.a. The Stealer of Lesbian Hearts Everywhere. She has a brother, you see. He is her only sibling and they were inseparable and going to change the world, once upon a time.

But changing the world turned into blowing up pipelines and then 11 people died and then she ran. Just like that we’ve switched from Saw to The Weather Underground. Lauren made the bombs and gave them to her brother. No one was supposed to be there, so now every day she hates herself for what happened.

Wow. Just, wow. I knew her story would be epic and tragic. Heck, honestly, it’s not even that original since this sort of thing has actually happened to actual people in actual life. But, damn, to hear Zoie tell it really brings it all home. This poor woman has been running from herself the whole time.

The voice in the wall mocks her touching story, then commands her to remove the tarp from the big hulking thing that’s been sitting ominously in the middle of the room. What could it be? Severed head? Murder machine? A pretty pony? Nope, just scientific equipment. On a scale of terrifying possibilities, I give it a -2. The voice then tells her to test the blood and give a diagnosis for an Elder within the hour or Crystal dies. Lauren declares it all Light Fae bullshit and storms out while dropping the mic. Metaphorically.

In Lauren’s Lauren-less apartment, Bo and Kenzi are herb hunting. Bo is also searching for answers to her and Lauren’s relationship. Like why would she associate herself with a sociopath like Taft? Ultimately she says their whole relationship boiled down to not knowing. Kenzi comes to Dr. Hotpants’ defense, calling her “one of the good ones.” Yes, her full conversion to Team Lauren is officially complete.

Bo notes her allegiance shift from Wolf to Doctor, because no one misses a thing in this fandom. Then she also notices the black file folder Taft brought over with all his intel on Karen Beattie. Inside is a treasure trove of more information, like Karen participated in anti-government protests and organized protests of prison sentences and government restrictions on scientific research. We learn she is fluent in Spanish, French and Swahili and was trained by a military organization. Also, we now know Lauren’s birthday is June 5, 1981. So, you know, send cards accordingly.

This sends Bo into a tailspin about their relationship and whether she even knew Lauren/Karen at all. So, naturally, she goes for the booze. Kenzi tries to comfort her, but you have to admit it’s hard to be comforted when you’re hanging out in your ex-girlfriend’s apartment and finding weird shit.

Bo gets all existential and asks what is it that makes everyone in her life lie to her. Except Kenzi, she adds. Kenzi would never lie and/or make out with her ex-boyfriend. I’d say liar, liar pants on fire, but the blue flames that erupt from the doorway as they try to leave kind of makes my point for me.

In Law & Order: Babysitters Club, Dyson has enlisted Tamsin to help with his search for Lauren by tracking her phone records. She’s having the time of her life using highlighters and stealing Dyson’s sidearm. She asks Dyson if she was a good cop. Dyson says she was tough and a real “monster” on a bad day. Well, at least she never had fleas.

Tamsin’s insecurity complex takes over and she goes on and on about being “hideous.” Dyson tries to make nice by saying he meant monster in a good way. To which Tamsin snaps back, “That doesn’t even make sense!” Well, she has a point.

Tamsin asks Dyson if Bo is his girlfriend. He tells her no, then goes on about a lady in a tree who took his love away and how when he got it back she had a girlfriend. I kind of want to scream, “That doesn’t even make sense” back at the TV, but it actually does. Because it’s Lost Girl and shit like that happens every other Tuesday. It’s called continuity, Glee. Take notes.

The Vulnerable Valkyrie asks Dyson what love feels like. He tells her she’ll know it when she feels it and let’s his sensitive side shine through for a split second before going all Alpha Dog again and telling her to ask the womenfolk about this touchy feeling business.

Bo and Kenzi are still puzzling over how to get out of Lauren’s apartment. Mossimo has trapped them inside and Kenz can’t leave either until her Fae loaner powers wear off. Bo asks if anything will speed up the process and Kenzi says a shower. But it’s a good hair day, you know. Then she disparages Lauren’s conditioner. Whoa, whoa, whoa. No one insults The Hair. I mean, we just got it back. Unacceptable, absolutely unacceptable.

Bo agrees and dumps a bucket of water on Kenzi’s head for her transgression. Or, at least, that’s how I interpreted it.

Kenzi leaves to go find the necessary items needed to undo the ring of fire. Alone in Lauren’s apartment, Bo rummages through drawers because that’s not the invasion of an ex-girlfriend’s privacy or anything. She finds a giftbox with a note attached. Bo reads it out loud: “For giving me the freedom to love. And I do.” I might add that it also says “Forever.” Not that I went frame-by-frame in slow motion while rotating or blowing up the images or anything.

Inside Bo finds a necklace. We can’t see the pendant, because Bo clutches it tight to her chest. Please don’t make this necklace like that damn Pulp Fiction briefcase. I need to know what the pendant looks like, people.

Of course then the moment gets ruined because Lauren hasn’t been paying her electrical bill. Or, more likely, a supernatural gargoyle statue is stalking Bo and flickering the lights to get close enough to take a chunk out of her arm. You know, the usual. Did anyone have a Doctor Who flashback to the Weeping Angels just then? I may or may not have hidden behind a pillow out of residual fear of them.

Kenzi arrives in time to bind Bo’s wounds. She comes clean (get it, drug analogy) about how much she owes Mossimo and has been stealing from Trick and Hale to pay him and also, oops, she kissed Dyson but actually only wants to kiss Hale. Kenzi did it because she was tired of being helpless and not able. And, yes, she had a wicked case of separation anxiety when Bo left. Poor lamb, alone in the world.

Bo is a little less sympathetic to her existential loneliness, but their conversation gets interrupted by Dyson who has lost Tamsin. Bo storms off to find Tamsin by herself with a pointed jab at Kenzi about her bestiality. Hey, in her defense, when they made out neither one remembered Bo ever even existed. So cut a poor tiny human girl some slack.

Tamsin has made it back at the Suck Shack, but not for long. She answers the door to find Mossimo grinning on the other side filled with stories about how they were BFFs and look at this selfie we took together. He lures her away and then ties her to a chair, like all besties do. He’s after her hair, because it’s indestructible and shiny and imbued with special powers or something. Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask her about her conditioner?

In the dingy utility room of horrors, Lauren has diagnosed the elder Fae with a nasty case of being a pervert and feeding off his family members. Treatment: Lay off the incest. Lauren declares the case child’s play and gets a little incensed at how much it is beneath her abilities. She lays down the law telling her captors she’ll treat the disgusting elder, but only if they let Crystal go and get out of the nickel handcuffs which are sending her into anaphylactic shock.

Oh, also, did she mention she already freed herself from her stupid handcuffs because Kenzi taught her how to pick a lock? Suck it, captors.

I’m not going to lie, I think I want indignant Lauren to stick around for a while because, you know, hot. She calls Hale out, because she’s pretty sure it’s Hale and the Light Fae putting her through these ridiculous tests. The door slowly opens revealing their captor. And, wouldn’t ya know, it’s not Hale. A round at the Dal says it’s her brother.

But we’ll find out if I have a big bar tab to pay later. Because Bo bursts into Mossimo’s lair (really, it’s the only appropriate way to describe it) all, “Nobody puts Baby Valkyrie in a corner, and gives her a bad haircut.” Mossimo turns the tables on her — a little too easily, I might add — but there’s no need to worry because the Harbinger of Death has arrived.

Reborn Valkyrie’s got her groove back, y’all. Also, wings.

Tamsin wants to end Mossimo, but Bo convinces her he’s not worth it. So, in a moment that will be gif-ed for eternity by Valkubus fans, Bo embraces Tamsin with the pure glow of love.

Tamsin pulls away, the anger gone, and says softly, “That’s what love feels like.” Yep, plenty of air left in that ship’s sails.

Bo sends off Tamsin, because children shouldn’t be made to do the dirty work and focuses her attention on Mossimo. He scrambles to retrieve a lock of Tamsin’s hair, because he’s creepy and that’s what creepy people do.

He’s still in awe of Tamsin, which I can understand because that was a damn impressive display. The wings, he informs Bo, mean this is her last life. I know, but don’t get teary. Valkyries live for, what, eons? We’ve got time, folks.

Bo gives Mossimo her killer kiss, only to discover he is human. He’s a sad, little human with delusions of Fae grandeur who spits a little when he’s angry. So now he’s both pathetic and gross, always a winning combo. Bo tells him to never come near Tamsin or Kenzi again. He can’t understand because Kenzi is just a human, but Bo corrects him. She’s family, bitch.

She takes Tamsin’s hair from him, and he starts whimpering and begging for it back. He says his “mommy” needs it and he needs her to need him. Don’t worry, I know the writers will tell us what these outsized mommy issues are all about soon. I mean, they finally told us who killed Jenny. They know how to wrap up a storyline.

Bo throws the hair into Mossimo’s lava pit. He slouches and pouts that says he’ll need to go get it. Then jumps in after it. Bo is horrified, but then a little smile cracks her lips. Hm, maybe this Bo is different. Also, I’m pretty sure that’s not the last we’ve seen of that big Druid crybaby.

We next see Bo she is working on her fitness in the boxing gym again, but this time blessedly solo. Well, solo sparring, because Kenzi is there filled with sorrow and regret. Bo tells her she’s not mad about Dyson. Kenzi is the person she knows will never betray her, hence her ability to seal the potion. Kissing some dumb boy, that meant nothing. Family sticks together.

At the Suck Shack Dyson is telling Tamsin a remarkably familiar bedtime story about a princess with wings. Kenzi runs in and we finally get to see her bedroom. She doesn’t sleep in the bathtub after all. Well, except for all-you-can-eat rib Tuesdays. Girl, I feel you. Dyson tells her she can do anything she wants, and can have a place among the Fae. He can even teach her how. Hold up, is he the Druid now? He promises to teach her when the time is right. Sheesh, can you vague that up a little more? Then he confesses his Terrible Awful to her. He’s lost Lauren and she’s in danger. He says he has to find her. Yeah, Wolf Boy, you do. She saved your bacon, and delivered you a delicious meal. You owe her big time.

Bo has decided she had had enough of being stalked by gargoyles, and goes to see the Una Mens on her own in their moist headquarters. They’re quietly terrifying, but mostly because they keep using the royal “We” when talking. Bo says they should put up or shut up about her. They say they don’t care about her anymore because she’s no longer unaligned. Who now, what now, aligned now? Her blood, it seems, has spoken.

But which side, WHICH SIDE? Dark, says the androgynous little sister of Tilda Swinton. Well, Bo does look good in black.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

I’m going to tell my doctor this next time I need a migraine prescription.

“I’m done with the kiddie toys. It’s Tonka Truck time.”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Such an embarrassment of riches, I almost couldn’t pick. Almost. But who can resist a twofer?

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