While it isn’t exactly girls kicking ass, Lauren/Amber/Karen’s ass is getting checked out by a dude customer. He’s all nice view and she’s all, “I know 367 chemical reactions that could liquefy you into a puddle of primordial goo on the floor, buster.” But in her head.
She tells Crystal about the ocular sexual harassment, but she’s having none of it. Lauren/Amber/Karen knows she’s stepped into hurt girl feelings territory and does her best big-eyed groveling. Well, first she uses both the words “if” and “but,” which Crystal correctly tells her should never be present in a good apology. She’s sassy and I liked her. But, we all knew Ali Liebert would have no problem bringing her inner Betty out.
Lauren/Amber/Karen redeems herself by calling herself a “jerk, an ego-centric jerk.” Crystal promptly forgives Lauren/Amber/Crystal and even calls her “Princess,” causing Bomb Girls fans’ hearts to grow three sizes that day. But the heartwarming cross-fandom moment is broken up by Mr. Butt Ogler choking on his liver and onions. Lauren/Amber/Karen immediately springs into Dr. Hotpants mode and grabs a steak knife off the table. She slits open his throat. Tracheotomy? Nope, it’s a faeotomy.
He’s some sort of alien-throated, sloppy-chewing species of Fae. Unfortunately Crystal got the whole thing on her phone. You have to hand it to the girl, if some guy’s neck was cut open to expose some sort of killer artichoke monster, I don’t think I’d stick around to record it for posterity. Also, man, production went all out on the fake blood budget this week.
You know, there are a lot of subplots going on in this episode: Tiny Tam, Hogwarts Bo, Waitress Lauren, Chauvinistic Eddie. So why not cram one more in? Lovesick Hale arrives at the Suck Shack with sunflowers, reciting his admission of the heart to himself. Kenzi is like, “Hey, thanks for the flowers I’ll decorate Bo’s love nest with them, have you found her, oh, wait, you want to make out?”
It’s both fast and long in the coming. They kiss and I can’t believe I don’t know their shipper name already. It’s sweet. Then it’s hot. Then it’s moving a little too quickly on top of the kitchen counter. Damn, it’s just the love spritz.
Their coitus is interrupted by a scream from Tiny Tam. Remember when I said I hoped she’d hit a growth spurt? Holy Portia DeGeneres Shakira David Lee Roth, did she ever. A new Teen Tamsin stands before them having shot through puberty into it’s inappropriate for you to wear a top that tight territory.
Also, hold up. Is new Tamsin going to have wavy hair? Because those are some serious goldilocks happening on her head. The wig budget this season is also going through the roof.
This follicular mystery will have to wait because Eddie is droning on about his past glories and it’s all rather tiresome. Dyson starts to question his usefulness, particularly when he pulls out some tiger head charms as proof of his sanity. Luckily for us and the story progression they just happen to find a temporal shift along the train tracks they’ve been walking down. I don’t know either, just go with it.
The temporal shift leads to Eddie’s first hotdog which leads to some mystery machine with Fae writing. Except Eddie doesn’t really know what it is. I mean, you can’t wake a guy up after 800 years and expect him to know what an inter-dimensional Fae ticket machine is or that you shouldn’t hit women. Luckily, and this is the first and only time you’ll ever hear me say this, in runs Jenny Schecter to save the day.
Long story short: While Eddie was in a coma Cleo took over his tracking gigs. And she’s good at it, even better than him because she is an elemental in command of Earth, Wind, Fire and their long-lost bandmate Water. Eddie’s train has come and gone and hit him. Bye-bye, Eddie. We will not miss you. Though, you are right, hotdogs are disgusting and delicious.