Speaking of secrets, the secret society of the Una Mens are upstairs turning the Dal Riata into a cozy den of torture, death, manhunts and pain. You know, normal restoring faith in a system of ancient rules and laws stuff. Poor Vex is in the hot seat right now. And by “hot seat” I mean naked, bound and being partially flayed.
You know, Lost Girl has done a lot of crazy stuff in the past, but this? This is just, ewwww. The androgynous interrogator for the Una Mens (so it’s not just for boys after all!) demands to know what happened to the Morrigan. Vex says she was behind her painting, but disappeared. They’re displeased with the last Mesmer and decide there should be no Mesmers, but Vex throws up a hail Mary to avoid species extinction.
He offers them “her.” The camera then pans to some creepy paper mâché death masks–“Human Terrorist,” “Human Doctor,” “Unaligned Succubus.” The Una Mens are appeased by this, and as much as I value Kenzi and Lauren I’m going to assume he just offered them Bo on a silver platter. For his troubles the Una Mens release him but not before being forced to ingest some sort of literal earwig bug. Like I was saying, ewwww.
While all this is happening Dyson and Hale head off for matching mani-pedis. They seek out Selene, who Tricks says might be able to help them find some inter-dimensional tracker. Wait, they need help tracking a tracker? Is that Alanis Morissette ironic or the real kind?
They find her at her beauty salon that specializes in massages and badge polishing. Dyson goes off to find out just how shiny and Hale is left to deal with the pseudo-receptionist. Hey, didn’t she drown in a pool for no apparent reason?
Cleo tells him Selene won’t help them find Eddie, a tracker who has been dormant for some 800 years. They should just trust her and go see this other lady instead. Hale’s all, “I don’t even know your name, but this seems totally legit.” So He and Dyson trot off to show this new lady the message Cleo hastily scrawled on his hand. They’re like professional police detectives, right?
The mystery woman does little talking, mostly because she doesn’t have a mouth – literally. What she does have is a lot of relationship advise for Hale. Like, nut up and tell her, dude. Lucky for them, she also decides to ignore Cleo’s hand-written–again, literally–note that asked her to erase their memories. Instead she helps them, though mostly to get back at the ladies at Selene’s for giving her a terrible perm. She concocts some sort of mega kiss potion for them and sends them back. Is this like Eau de Bo or something, because isn’t kissing her thing?
The boys head back to the spa and walk into a sexy cleaning party. Their Mr. Pointies get all excited for a minute, but then Cleo emerges and has the girls turn their own Ms. Pointies on them instead. Luckily, the mouthless perfumer put a smelly spell on Hale to make him irresistible, so their pointies go soft instead. Bottom line, there are too many euphemisms for/actual penises in this scene.
Kenzi is back at the Suck Shack having been relegated to babysitter duties. Tiny Tam wants to know if Kenzi & Dyson are dating. Tiny Tam wants to know if Kenzi has a boyfriend. Tiny Tam wants to know if condoms are toys. OK, so I get that she’s this wild child from the forest who isn’t familiar with viral videos, personal boundaries or safe sex, but I don’t understand why the first thing she’d do when she went into the bathroom is dump Kenzi’s sparkle balm into the toilet. Like, how’d she even find it? Isn’t everything stuffed into that footlocker? And where’d she get those rad arm warmers?
Kenzi puts on a little light show for the little Valkyrie, but when her sparkle power runs out they opt for cookies instead. Kenz lets Tiny Tam taste it, but she hides the offending dough under the couch instead. Oh, great, is next week’s episode going to be about a Fae rat infestation?
Right, so I’ve gone on record as saying I like Tamsin–grown-up Tamsin. But Mini Tam-Tam? Yeah, not so much. She’s, well, annoying. I’m praying for a growth spurt, and praying for one now. Also, it makes things a lot less, shall we say, awkward for all you Valkubus shippers out there. Otherwise some of you might unwittingly show up on To Catch a Predator.