We open with a scream. Not the haunting inner scream of one’s id, crying out instinctively for love into the gaping abyss of one’s broken heart but finding only shrill echoes to comfort it against the hollow loneliness. Or, uh, something. No, more like blondes in the baby doll dresses walking alone into the woods kinds of screams. Or guys in leather masks with chainsaws kinds of screams. Or psychos behind shower curtains kinds of screams. Yes, it’s scary movie night and Bo and Kenzi are screaming advice in vain at the television. Like never pick up the phone because the call is always coming from the inside of the house. Always. In between handfuls of popcorn, Bo and Kenz talk a little about The Break/Not Quite Up. Kenzi tells her the cold hard truth, she sucks at coupledom. But then she quickly follows it up with obligatory Team Doccubus encouragements. Soulmates for life, carpe Lauren. Bo says this whole break is just part of the big Bo and Lauren journey — OTPs 4 Lyfe. But not before she employs some classic BFF deflection and tries to talk about Kenzi’s dating life. But dating is tots not a thing anymore for the young peeps. Did I use tots and peeps right? Anyway, the real crisis is not one of lonely hearts but lack of juice. Because the house is out of batteries and as any single lady can tell you, that is a real-life personal tragedy. Or so I’ve heard.
Meanwhile, a babysitter in a house somewhere answers the phone on a dark night just like you shouldn’t in the movies and then has a vision of her charge’s pervy father dying. So naturally she calls Bo-Bo & The Kenziest Investigative Services to get to the bottom of what weirdness is afoot. She found an old flier from back in their Kenzi had blonde hair and Bo wore less black eyeliner days. Which begs the question, what do these two do for money now, exactly? Did I miss the bit about them winning the lotto? Just checking. The babysitter needs their help figuring out the bizarre happenings in the gated community of Shady Grove. Kenzi’s not so sure because the ‘burbs are even more over than dating. But Bo thinks a visit to the land of desperate housewives may be just what the doctor ordered. Well, not that doctor. She wants space. Let’s just hope her prescription isn’t addictive.
Back at the police station, the twin sister of the lady Bo booty-sucked in her first “anyone but Dyson”-approved feeding session walks in. That sister, you will recall, wound up very dead near Bo’s house. She wants Dyson’s help tracking down her sister. Would you look at that, picking up a loose end without us even asking. Learn from this, Glee.
Finally, all those hours of watching HGTV pay off as Bo and Kenzi go undercover as potential buyers in the gated community. An overly perky real estate agent (is there any other kind?) tries to impress them with the property (looks like cookie cutter new build to me — I told you I watched a lot of HGTV). Bo gives the agent a story about wanting to start fresh in a new place with her sister Kenzi because she’s on a break from Lauren-ce. Laurence? Really? I know you just want to fit in with the Joneses in suburbia, but there’s no need to go in the closet. It’s 2013 and even Supreme Court justices know there’s a difference between whole milk marriage and skim milk marriage. We’re here, we’re queer, we all deserve sympathy for our break ups. Right, sorry, it’s just a break. Just then they spot the next-door neighbor skulking around outside and peering in the windows. So Bo and Kenzi naturally wave at him. Yes, by all means, offer cordial greetings to your potential stalker. Weren’t you just yelling at the idiots in horror movies for similarly idiotic moves? Speaking of idiotic moves, after the real estate agent cuts out abruptly saying she’s late for another meeting, our girls follow her. In broad daylight. And proceed to skulk around the outside of the house and peer in the windows. In broad daylight. Man, these two really are rusty with their detective skills.
They hear some screaming from inside so Bo busts in with a knife. But it turns out it’s just the real estate agent and two of her friends drinking margaritas and discussing their book club selection. And despite Bo and Kenzi barging in uninvited while brandishing weapons, they invite them to stay and have a drink. Luckily Kenzi is good at book club, which means she can make dirty jokes while sipping on cocktails. In that case I’m a genius at book club. Aw, man. Really, aw, it’s that man again — “that man” being Dr. Taft the science dude who showed up on Lauren’s doorstep after she missed her award ceremony and then took her out for drinks. Aw, man. He has apparently been asking (and asking and asking) Lauren to come work for him. But she keeps saying no because she has a job and a necklace that binds her to that job.
Bo meets with the babysitter to review their findings. Everything’s fine until they come across a creepy abandoned carousel that starts spinning out of nowhere. Don’t you just hate it when that happens? It entrances Bo momentarily, probably because it’s also playing “The Wanderer.” Thought you could slyly slip another reference in and we’d miss it, did ya? Bo snaps out of it, only to find the babysitter, Lisa, has wandered off. Because she’s not just a babysitter. She’s a Duppy, a dead Fae spirit that can be summoned every 100 years to, well, kill folks. But the poor dear doesn’t realize she’s Fae or an unconscious assassin. Which means she didn’t know she killed one of the book club members who then vanished into a puff of ash. Kenzi thinks this is sort of self realization best delivered over cocktails. Bless her little alcoholic heart. But I hope Kenz had at least one of those herself because she needs s stiff drink to deal with the kid she agreed to babysit for Lisa, who is being watched by Trick to keep her (and everyone else) safe. But really her babysitting gig is just an excuse to rifle through his dad’s (the creepy window guy, Sam) stuff. Bo digs up dirt her own way, with a little love touch. He gets ruled out quickly though because his wife actually left him when she cheated. But the head book clubber, Caroline, saw Bo’s touchy feely display and whisks her off. Smart move, never hang around a guy with crabs.
A rough looking Tamsin shows up at the station. And by “rough” I mean her hair is askew, her eyes are red and her breath is boozy. But she’s still sassy. And so she gives Dyson a lot of it while he puzzles over the case of the dead twin. They leave to go check out the crime scene, but first he yells at Tamsin to “maybe try a little make up.” Oh no you di’int. You did not tell a woman to go get pretty for you. Imma have to take you to the Gloria Steinem Obedience School for Bad Wolves. Speaking of bad boys, the new Ash is in Lauren’s apartment hearing her findings on something or another. He thanks her, but when she asks him for a brief sabbatical he refuses immediately. Hale, come on, we all go way back. Don’t do us like this. What’s that saying about power? Power corrupts and absolute power makes you wear ugly overpriced shiny suits. You get what I’m saying. He tells her she can take the weekend, but to be back first thing Monday morning. What a total Ash-hole. The book club ladies ask Bo to join their circle — their witches circle. It’s like Charmed: When Bored Housewives Attack. They say their circle is about strong women understanding their worth and taking back the power in their lives and not being a slave to the patriarchy. But mostly it’s just about killing everyone who cheats on them or rejects them or questions them. So it’s less about sisterhood and more about murderville.
But we’ve got even more insidious evil to worry about than a couple of suburban moms dabbling in the occult. Because Dr. Taft is back at Lauren’s door again. And this time he’s carrying a little black folder filled with secrets. He charged his obscenely paid lawyers with digging up the dirt on her and what they found was Karen Beattie. I know, I know, it’s shocking to realize Lauren even had such a terrible, terrible haircut. Yes, our Dr. Lewis is a fugitive from the law named Karen Beattie who, if I read her dossier right, is wanted for being linked to an organization involved in Interpol cases. Also for protesting against prison sentences and demonstrating about government restrictions to scientific research. That’s all she’s wanted for? Protesting? Doesn’t Interpol have like real terrorists to catch? Regardless, this solves the mystery as to why Lauren/Karen was in the Congo and Afghanistan for five years. Wait, hold up, say all this is true — there is still no way in hell Zoie Palmer is only 5’2.
Lauren tells him she doesn’t respond to blackmail. But he says he doesn’t care about her past, knows she can use a fresh start and this is her chance at freedom. His offer seems tailor-made for a woman in indentured servitude who seeks space. Too tailor made. He tells her he just gave her the one and only copy of her file. Yes, of course, there’s only that one copy that will and shall ever be because there’s no such thing as digital records and/or photocopies and/or the Internet. Lauren’s all, is this dude for real? And we all scream at our screens, “No, he isn’t! Never trust anyone who isn’t a lesbian with a Justin Bieber haircut. Run! Run! Run!” Bo is still in the evil witches circle. Which is ridiculous ’cause witches they were persecuted and Wicca good and love the earth and woman power and I’ll be over here. The lead witch Caroline, who also happens to be wearing the necklace that invoked the Duppy, wants to do away with Sam, the peeping tom neighbor/red herring. But Bo can’t break out of the circle to stop it, so she gets the women to turn against each other.
This works great because deep down we all want to yell at whoever is making us eat god awful gluten-free bread. But then the subordinate friend, Susan, turns dominant being and channels the demon-voiced entity that keeps turning Bo into a super succubus. It’s clearly her dad, and he rumbles on about the world bowing down before them soon. Look, I get that you want to bond with your daughter after all these years, but how about taking her out to a nice brunch first before plotting total world domination. Then the two women burn up into a cloud of cinders, night becomes day again and “The Wanderer” keeps playing on the Carousel. As an act of mercy, Bo sucks the remaining witches’ chi out of the Duppy, letting her rest for good. And then burns her necklace so she can never be summoned again. And she finally admits to herself that she’ll be around for hundred of years out loud. Right, so that’s over.
Wait, you thought this whole episode was over? Heavens no, we have so many more subplots to finish up. Dyson and Tamsin head out to the crime scene. She tries to tell him about the “serious shit” that’s about to go down, i.e. I stole two of your hairs and used them in a bottle with some other hairs to help me deliver Bo to some mystery man. But he’s too busy focusing on the killing field in front of him. It smells like death. So what you’re saying is, not a great place to plan a picnic then? Bo confesses to Kenzi that she saw a vision of her father while she was in the Yawning Dawning. Now she is determined to find him. But first Kenzi says she must deal with her other unfinished business: The Break. She urges her to confront the situation and rip it off like a bandage. Can’t we heal it like a bandage? Anyway, she agrees and calls the Doc to figure out if this “break” needs an “up” at the end.
Lauren picks up her phone. But it’s not Bo on the other end. It’s a suspiciously eager Dr. Taft. He’s there to pick up her suitcase, shine her shoes, detail her car. Anything to get her to come with him. She says she’s ready, even put a month’s worth of cat food in the bowl. Lesbians everywhere gasp in horror. Relax, she doesn’t have a cat so you can stop speed dialing PETA. Dr. Taft says this is the start of something big, and to trust him. Hey, I’ve seen this movie before. RUN, LAUREN, RUN! Instead she takes off her servant to the Ash pendant, leaves her phone on the table and gives her apartment one last look before turning off the light. Just as the door closes behind her who should call? Poor Bo. I have to say, cold move, Lauren/Karen. Leave without telling her and without the ability to contact you while you’re gone. There’s wanting space and disappearing. This is the latter.
Back in the worst picnic location ever, Dyson and Tamsin have uncovered a mass grave filled with dead Light and Dark Fae. The victims include the Fae that killed Bo’s previous feed. They realize something is hunting the Fae, and don’t realize it’s also watching them from a camera in a tree. Gosh, I’m really glad this show was renewed for a fourth season. Because there is no way after this whole episode of mostly set-up and filler that they can wrap up all these big-time storylines in just two episodes. KENZISM OF THE WEEK:
Admit it, we all want to be Super Kenz.
“Alert the neighborhood watch. Hotties be invading.”
BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK: Bend and snap!
