She yammers on some more about borrowing that bracelet, Bo knows the one (side benefit of a same-sex relationship – instantly double your jewelry). But then Bo drops the hammer and says she’ll be late and miss the reception. When Lauren asks what she’s doing, Bo lies and says she’s training at the Dal. Really, lie about this? Just say you got tricked into helping a weird guy on his seemingly never-ending quest to save some outcast Dark Fae girl who is being exploited for her drug-like tears in the lawless town of Brazenwood. She’ll totally understand and it’s certainly no weirder than having a secret girlfriend in a coma who was cursed by the Ash to indenture you into servitude to the Light. I mean who hasn’t been there, amirite?
Somewhere I definitely haven’t been is to meet up with a Tarot-dealing “landlady” to get a “prescription.” Bo has to pick cards first, which she hates because “choosing supremely sucks.” Not exactly the bisexual slogan I’d print on a T-shirt for pride this summer, but point taken. Then as encouragement Tamsin whispers “come on Hotpants” into her ear, which either means she’s solidly on Team Lauren or this love triangle has just turned into a love trapezoid and it’s gonna get complicated for all parties involved. In fact, Facebook should make an “It’s Complicated Love Trapezoid” relationship status update option. Think of the confused comments you’d get from your great aunt Mildred on that one. Speaking of confusing, Bo flips over “The Wanderer” card which makes the color drain from everyone’s faces. In fact all the cards have turned into this Wanderer fellow. In my head I’m hearing the ominous “dun-dun-dun” music.
But who has time for cryptic messages on cards because the landlady gets hit with a dart and they have to run again. And, again, just go with it. It doesn’t really make any sense but Bo’s on her personal epic Odyssey and we’re all along for the ride. At the entrance to Brazenwood Bo prepares to shake Tamsin’s hand and bid her adieu. She had said, after all, she would go no further than the gate.
But, luckily Tamsin isn’t a woman of her word and they all forge ahead because after you’ve read a fortune cookie fortune to a toothless guy inside what looks like an outhouse, you probably just want to see exactly how strange shit is going to get. Thanks to another one of Trick’s genius choices on the machine, Bo gets mystically drunk and starts yammering on about how her ex-wolfboy got his love back but didn’t tell her. We all knew it was going to come up, but still, uuuuugh.
Bo’s all, does he love me? And Tamsin’s all, duh, don’t you have eyes? And Bo’s all, OMG, let’s trade shoes. And Tamsin’s all, you’re so beautiful it hurts to look at you. But Tino never shows up. Fine, only some of that happened, but in sentiment it all happened – especially the Tino thing. Lauren calls, and Bo decides to try out a new nickname, Lo, and portmanteau, BoLo. Look, I don’t care how drunk you are, it’s Doccubus and that’s that. Also if you got those My So-Called Life references, let’s be best friends.
Lauren is also drunk, but not mystically, as she’s been downing champagne all by her lonesome and anxious for Bo to get there wearing something hot. And then Lauren says she’d better be smoking because, “I look soooo sexy.” Hello new ringtone. I will call myself all day just for the self-affirmation. Then drunk Lauren adds, “I am like scary smart” and I’ve found my secondary ringtone.
Remember earlier when I begged the writers to give us some blindfolded sexytimes? I take it back, I just want more drunk Lauren. To not let Zoie Palmer flex her comedic muscle is a sin against laughter and sunshine and puppies.
But, uh oh, they’ve veered off the fun, I love you man stage of drunkness into the sloppy, relationship-destroying stage of harsh bickering. Like, for instance, telling your beautiful, brilliant human girlfriend that all she does is stare into petri dishes while you run around and save the world every day. Lauren is hurt, naturally, and says maybe she should go alone to her “stupid human thing.” Please note how Bo is leaning on an ass during this entire conversation. I see you, symbolism.
Back to her Homerian task, Bo finally finds the crying girl, a Squonk, and convinces her the outside world isn’t so bad for a weirdo like her. Plus, if things get too rough lots of people pop into the restroom at work and have a good cry. So I’ve heard. That’s never happened to me.
But before they can make their escape they get caught up in a High Noon situation and Bo has to face off with the Squonk girl’s captor. Bo gets a little pep talk from Tamsin before their quick draw showdown. She tells her she’s smarter, faster and “a hell of a lot cuter” than him. These things are all true. But she also has a girlfriend. Just a reminder, in case anyone has forgotten.