“Lost Girl” Recap (3.05): At first touch

A flabbergasted Lauren follows behind her into the room and sees things she cannot unsee, like, oh my Lord, there’s choking. Unfazed, Kenzi goes on about the case of a human turning into goo in front of his wife’s eyes (and onto her face – ewww). So clearly she thinks it’s time for Bo to stop knocking boots and save her kind. But Bo isn’t quite done with her naked meet-and-greet. Lauren’s left standing there wishing desperately there was a greeting card that said, “Hey, so please continue having sexual relations with this random stranger because I know it means nothing and you still love me, but trust me I’m never entering your bedroom without knocking ever again.” Thanks for nothing, Hallmark.

The UnKenziest Kenzi and the good doctor leave to investigate. They find the widow, and then his lover, who blame each other and begin requisite hair pulling. Kenzi seems to be enjoying the deleted scene from Cheaters a little too much. Luckily Bo busts in and busts up the fight shaming them with righteous feminist indignation and dosing them with the love touch.

The lover (we’re going to assumer her name is Cindy, as with all lovers) says she and the gooey guy went to a cool nightclub before his liquidation. Which means, of course, field trip! They wind up in what seems to be the holding room for all the Eyes Wide Shut extras. It’s a sexual smorgasbord and here Bo is without a spoon.

Lauren calls with some news about what slimed the victim and Bo answers with a chipper, “Dr. Lewis’ lover.” This sends Doccubus fans everywhere into sweet, simultaneous le petit mort. Say it again, but slower. After she hangs up, Bo remembers Kenzi’s wacked out voicemail from the other night. You know, before she was snatched away by an unseen force in a dark alley. The UnKenziest Kenzi covers and says it was an emergency two-for-one sausage dealio. I’m going to guess she means that in a non-sexual way, which makes it even weirder.

Just then an imposing looking doorman (is there any other kind) invites Bo to meet the party’s host, Roman. And away she goes but not before UnKenzi tells her to leave her phone. Ruh-roh. Any horror movie aficionado can tell you the modern day-equivalent of severing the phone line to the house is being cut off from your cellphone. It’s impending doom calling, would you like me to take a message?

But first Bo has to deal with another kind of horror of the shirtless sleazy guy variety. The party’s host is Roman, The Bacchus. As in the god of good times and inventor of Ecstasy. He’s got a shaved chest, cheesy gold necklace and pimp cane and feasts on debauchery so I’m pretty sure he also invented roofies. (p.s. Don’t yell at me mythology buffs, I know it’s supposed to be a giant fennel staff). They leave each other limp, ahem, and he tells her henchmen to slit her throat next time they see her. Nice guy, bet he drives an oversized red sports car to compensate.

Back in the land of lab coats, Lauren gets a visit from Dyson and Tamsin who bring in a body for her to examine. It’s Bo’s earlier conquest looking much less frisky. Dyson previously smelled Bo on the body (dude, gross), which sent Tamsin into hyper-I-hate-Bo-drive. They ask Lauren if she recognizes the woman and she does what any good girlfriend would do in this situation – she lies.

Afterward Lauren texts Bo to warn her, but UnKenzi intercepts her warning message and deletes it. First of all, I told you so. And second of all, aww, how cute – Lauren signs her texts “luv, Lauren.” Though I find it hard to believe Dr. Lauren Lewis misspells and abbreviates the word “love,” even in a text.

The UnKenzi is getting more bizarre by the minute. She blows bubbles into her beer and tells a worried Lauren that Bo’s dead cupcake is no biggie. And then she tells Lauren how the wolf might still have feelings for her lamb. I do not like this Kenzi, I do not like her on a boat, I do not like her with a goat.

Whatever bad juju has taken over Lil Mama, it’s intent seems to be to create strife and distance between our friends, both Fae and human. She tells Lauren Dyson might still love Bo. She tells Trick he was a bad grandfather to Bo. But I think the old Trickster (who was apparently quite the swinger in the 70s, the 1870s that is) might be on to this poser. I mean, Kenzi never offers to pay her beer tab. It’s practically her most sacred tradition.

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