Life’s eternal struggle is being expertly encapsulated by Bo and Kenzi, who are struggling mightily with an offishly oversized Fae fellow. He’s one in a series of Dark Fae baddies sent by the Morrigan, gosh we’ve missed her evil ass — and the rest of her too, to attack Bo and retrieve her incriminating photos. Sassy sidekick extraordinaire Kenzi takes out the big fella with an expertly timed punch to the lil fellas. But, while hauling him off, confesses the obvious — she’s only human and Bo isn’t at her feistiest these days either. She blames Lauren because that’s like “trying to charge an iPad with a hamster wheel.” But it’s not really about Lauren being human. Or her lack of superpowers. It’s about Kenzi and her continued distrust of the good doctor and her very hotpants, which has not gone unnoted by Bo or anyone else. So she asks Kenzi to have it out. Why doesn’t she like Lauren. The answer: She’s “bossy, territorial and controlling.” Bo retorts that Lauren thinks she is “immature, irresponsible and clingy.” Well, good, now that that is out of the way.
Bo wants a truce in the Great Battle of 2013: BFF v. Main Squeeze because she lurves them both. Yes, she uses the “L” word and not in that irritating Ilene Chaiken way. Everyone’s on Team Bo and isn’t it wonderful? Well, not quite yet. But getting there. See, now that’s how you address a fandom without bursting through the Fourth Wall like a deranged Mr. Kool-Aid in an attempt to shame, let’s say, the entire Lesbian Blogging Community. Ahem. Speaking of Team Lauren, she is dealing with an impotent Vex. He still can’t use his powers, but there’ no physiological reason for it. So Lauren hands him a helpful pamphlet titled, “So You Can’t Get It Up: How to Express Your Sensuality Without Controlling Your Partner’s Every Move.” He leaves in a huff, but not before getting in a little dig about her not being able to keep up with Succubunny like Dyson could. Well, now I’m less on Team Vex than I was before.
At the Dal, Dyson and Tamsin are playing pool and/or working. Vex is whining. And Bo is gloating about her insurance policy against the Morrigan. Remember those risqué shots of her all tied up? Man, I hope she backs up her phone to her laptop. Because otherwise can’t her insurance policy be easily stolen by, oh I don’t know, an unscrupulous former Dark Fae power player who is now flaccid with rejection from both sides. Oh, yeah. Saw that coming. Bo goes to complain to Hale, who I still have trouble calling the Ash. He’s so nice and completely the opposite of sinister. He says her problems could all be gone if she’d just align and yada yada yada. But until then she can help herself by getting a grip on his Staff of Righteousness, which has gone missing. OK, the dick jokes in this episode are out of control.
Speaking of missing wood, Vex runs to the Morrigan with his ill-gotten iPhone and ceremonially allows her to delete the offending pictures. This is why you should always backup. The Morrigan, as delightfully devious as ever, tells him he’s not absolved until she has Bo’s pretty little head on a platter. And then she gives him a drink. It’s spiked with something nasty because, duh, she’s the Dark Fae ruler.
Lauren is peering intently into her microscope when Bo walks in with Hale’s big stick. She calls her work “doctor stuff” and when pressed for details says she is studying the Wrath of Kahn and Search for Spock on the Voyage Home. I don’t know, as soon as she started speaking geek and I went Star Trek. So does Bo, apparently, because she suggests a movie instead.
Bo then warns Lauren not to touch the staff, or any staff, because we’re gay like that. She wants to know what she can touch and we’re all like, “Boobies!” because we’re shallow like that. And, as if gifted by the TV gods, Lauren is thinking exactly the same thing because she whispers exactly what she wants to do to Bo and then checks her cleavage. Because, baby, it’s always Boobs O’Clock somewhere. Bo is pleased with her frisky physician, but asks if she isn’t too tired after last night. Lauren reassures her she’s “going for the gold in SuccuGames.” Oh, man, can that be a real thing? Because I would watch every single event. Even the silly sports like SuccuBadminton and SuccuRhythmic Gymnastics. Bo has no intention of standing in the way of a young athlete’s dream and goes in for a marathon training session.
Back at Bo’s Love Shack — but seriously, all those exposed boards, the heating bill must be ridiculous on that place — Vex is telling stories to Kenzi about how that queen Da Vinci was all over David like curry on chips. Bo returns with her hardwood, you’d think that thing would have gone down by now after another go with Lauren, and finds them playing makeup besties. She shoves Vex aside to look for her phone when something literally slithers from his ear to hers. Nightmares. So many nightmares. And scarier still, the earworm reverts her immediately to a teenage state all OMG and BTWS and BRB, ROFLMFAO, YOLO, ASDFGHJKL. Suddenly she wants to be BFFs with Tamsin and runs off to tell Dyson.
Kenzi rejoices in how this will annoy Lauren and Vex stands in as a proxy for all of fandom asking, “What’s up with you and the doc?” Kenzi calls her sneaky and says that she hasn’t forgiven her spybanging Bo for the old, old Ash. Which a) nice continuity and b) nice full circle character development because if you remember Lauren spending the night with Bo was meant to distract her from going after a then totally evil and dangerous Vex who is now sitting idly on her couch exchanging mascara tips and wondering what Kenzi’s deal is.
Bo has found her way to the Dal to ask Dyson why Tamsin is such a Mean Girl. Get in the car, losers, we’re going succubusing. She passes her teeny bopper earworm to Dyson and they’re both like ZOMG SRSLY IKR. Lauren walks in and Bo tells her she thinks Dyson likes her and she might kiss him. ORLY? Confused girlfriend is confused. Being a medical professional and having a brain that works, Lauren realizes something is very wrong. She checks Bo out for wounds or abnormalities. Nada. Bo is doing her own checking out and notices the flecks in Lauren’s eyes like little stars And that she’s seriously hot. And, has she ever kissed a girl? And then she gives Lauren two TOTS ADORBS “RAWR!” gestures because who wants to eat frownie brownies when they could be having fun instead. Teeny bopper Bo isn’t a god girlfriend, but she sure is good TV. The teen spirit is, quite literally, infectious as Dyson transfers it to Tamsin, but not before being accused of drinking spiked brewskie. p.s. That totes happened one time and he became Kenzi and he nailed it. Well, that part is true. While consulting with Trick about what could be causing the puberty party, Bo goes a little bar-top dancing. Now we know something is horribly wrong, she’s listening to the Pussycat Dolls.
Lauren brings the horny teenagers back to the SuccuShack, where a confused Vex and Kenzi don’t have time to consult the latest Teen Beat to see what to do when your hottie starts acting like a nottie because a crazy pigman busts in trying to sniff them out. They’re no match for him until Kenzi picks up the magic staff and knocks him out. Small glitch in their giddyup, now Kenz can’t put let go of the big wood. Her hand is mystically crazy glued to the shaft. And as Vex knows from experience, that’s mighty painful. Kenzi calls the whole situation “the worst handjob ever” and by my count that means there are only three possible dick jokes left in the repertoire for the show to use.
Our horny trio of teens is busy demanding pizza and not caring about dead manpigs in the living room, so the humans and impotent are left to puzzle alone about what is causing all this immature wonkery. And then Lauren finds a pustule behind Vex’s ear and we all hurl because isn’t pustule like the grossest word ever? The parasite was, big surprise, planted by the Morrigan to sap Bo of her Fae powers by turning them into nympho adolescents. Vex strikes a deal to wipe them out at their weakest in exchange for his titles restored, $1 million in cash and his club back. Vex is going back to the dark side? Think of all the makeup tips Kenzi will never learn now.
Our two favorite human ladies are at a loss of what to do. Kenzi is harping on Lauren, about her stuck-on stick and everything else for that matter. And Lauren gives it right back saying how Kenzi just flits through life without responsibilities yet everyone loves her. And then the truth comes out. Kenzi thinks Lauren thinks she’s too good for her. Lauren thinks Kenzi thinks she’s not good enough for Bo. Both their issues are born out of insecurity, jealousy and fear of losing Bo as a friend/lover. And then they both realize it together. Character growth, guys. Group hug, group hug. The teen trio has become a duo, as Dyson is passed out and Bo and Tamsin are exchanging secrets like girls at a slumber party. Tamsin confesses she’s a Valkyrie. Though, she’s a little fuzzy herself on what a Valkyrie is, exactly. (That would be the mythical Norse warrior women who chose who dies on the battlefield.) She wants to share another secret with Bo, but doesn’t think she should. So they agree to write it down in poetry, but the real kind that rhymes.
Lauren and Kenzi continue their bonding over bratty teenagers. Lauren is pretty sure she can cobble together an antidote with some cooking supplies and lubricant. There’s a food porn joke in their begging to be made. But first she needs a swab from the horndogs. Kenzi doesn’t think she should risk it alone, but she is steadfast. And returns, though not without ripped clothing and a vow never to speak of what happened. p.s. RIP Lauren’s badass brown leather jacket. We will honor your beauty forever. As she works on the magical maturity potion, Lauren confesses her skills are in part picked up in the field — that field being Afghanistan. A doctor, a veteran, a hotpants — what can’t this lady do? Kenzi is impressed and asked why she never mentioned it. Well, there’s that bit about never asking. This could be a mutual understanding and acceptance PSA.
Bo and Tamsin share their poetic, and in the latter’s case sad, secrets. And then vow to never tell anyone. Guys, eating your feelings is a figure of speech. Don’t take it literally. With the antidote not quite ready, Vex bursts in with the three not-so-little pigmen and attacks the shack. Kenzi goes all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Johnson on them and gives them the big one. Oh, see, a couple more dick jokes left. Meanwhile our Faey boppers are dancing to Duran Duran and playing strip spin-the-bottle. Lauren has enough time to finish the serum and runs in to interrupt Tamsin and Bo making out. Since there’s only so much a patient girlfriend can take, she jabs Bo with the syringe and the teenage wasteland is finally over. But Kenzi’s frenemies problems are just beginning. Vex has her pinned thanks to the porkers and threatens her with an axe. But Kenzi knows the real him. A gentle soul. A true artist. So he makes like Lord of the Flies and kills the pig instead. But have no fear, Big Bad Bo is here. And she proceeds to blow down the other pigmen’s houses. But not before Lauren decks Vex on the chin. Forgive but never forget.
Recovered from the teen hangover, the post-adolescent threesome is fuzzy on the details. Which is probably for the best. What were those secrets again? Kenzi is dealing with her new-found superpowers. Keep them forever, learn how to do everything left handed? Instead she simply declines. Though if I was her I’d keep that wood handy, never know when a gal might need it for a good pounding. Sheesh, people, head out of the gutters.
Hale has it out with the Morrigan, who says she just wanted to have a little rapey, pillagey fun like in the old days. And then Vex heads out of the SuccuShack. He needs to find himself again. A Seven Years in Vegas spiritual retreat. But he promises to be back a new man. Aw, I’m going to miss that vexing fellow.
KENZISM OF THE WEEK
Admit it, we all feel this way.
“You know, I don’t think I’d mind getting my ass kicked by someone that hot.”
BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK
Mama’s back.
