Back in the Jennifer’s Body subplot we’ve all forgotten all about because our brains have just melted out of our damn skulls, Megan Fox Lite is yowling and totally killing our post-coital buzz. Bo takes a hit off her and we finally get the sepia-toned backstory. Jumbee was accused of being a witch in colonial times (possibly western, it’s a little hard to tell from the outfits). Megan Fox Lite’s ancestors separated her from her true love and killed them both. But she was an elemental, not a witch. Did we know water could burn elementals? Does this mean we have to rethink everything we thought we knew about the Wicked Witch of the West?
The jumbee and her fiancé were murdered and separated in death, their bones buried far apart from each other. It’s all very sad, yadda, she vows revenge on all the Jenkins, yadda, she won’t stop until they’re all dead, yadda. I’m sorry, I’m trying to be sensitive but mostly I’m just still thinking about those crumpled sheets.
Did you know Emmanuelle can move her eyes independently of each other? Neat party trick. She employs it with great effect as the Morrigan gets back her gouged eye. She seems pleased with Mossimo’s work. She’s even more pleased that Mossimo helped Tamsin “get rid of her,” her being the unaligned Succubus. So Evony declares it her new mission in life to be less nice and I kind of can’t wait. Hey, I’m a complicated person. Sometimes I root for the bad girl.
Bo continues to have what sound like labor pains. Is this a reenactment? But at least they helped her realize what they have to do to fix this. They need to dig up the jumbee and her fiancé and bury them together. Bo tells Dyson to go do it. Dyson says he won’t leave her. Bo kisses Dyson. The groans of a thousand lesbians play as soundtrack in the background.
Total side note: I know Mia isn’t going to be long for this series, but I just love her assortment of incredulous poses, mostly directed at Dyson.
So Dyson and Cleo run off to go grave digging and Bo stays to fight off the jumbee. It doesn’t go terribly well because her eyes go milky instead of blue. Cataracts isn’t as good a color on her. There’s just no nice way to put what happens next. Bo and Dyson get married. OK, so they’re surrogates for the jumbee and her fiancé. But it’s Bo and Dyson wearing their rings and saying their vows. Thank God Cleo told him to say “Noah” or this thing could be legally binding.
But it works because the jumbee and her fiancé’s bodies float away. Vengeance solved. Humans saved. Divorce lawyer called. Time for our heroes to call it a day, right? Wrong. Lauren walks into the diner the next morning all singing and I-just-had-sex happy. But the phone’s ringing off the hook for someone calling for “Karen.” Lauren high-tails it out of the diner and rushes to Crystal’s place. She tells her she has to leave town and begs Crystal to not tell anyone about her. I’ve heard of creative ways to get out of a second date, but this is ridiculous.