10 Things All Happy Couples Do

Editor’s Note: Don’t proceed unless you have a sense of humor and aren’t looking for actual advice. 

People often ask me “Chloe, how do you do it? How do you sustain a loving relationship with a wonderful woman with a personality like yours?” I usually reply, “Because I’m better than you.” But that’s not the whole truth.

Like everyone, I have relationship secrets, learned from my own experiences and the habits of the people around me. As a great gift to you, humble reader, I have compiled those secrets for the first time ever in this informational article. Read on to learn ten things that all happy couples do.

Be completely honestgiphy-1

If you really love each other, you should be able to be utterly truthful while not saying anything less than flattering. That means no criticism—ever. If you find authentically express yourself while only saying nice things difficult, have you considered that you’re just a negative person?

Binge-watch togethergiphy-2

If she’s not around, you can’t watch Orange is the New Black, Game of Thrones or any other show you both enjoy. You must instead save those for when you are together. By emphasizing shared experiences, you effectively cripple your opportunities for enjoying life alone.

Share friendsgiphy-3

The couple that has friends together, stays together! You don’t like her friend? VETO. She doesn’t like your friend? VETO. Ending friendships your girlfriend doesn’t approve of is a wonderful way to whittle down each other’s outside relationships, slowly but steadily isolating each other.

Encourage unrealistic dreamsgiphy-4

Does your partner have a dream she has done nothing to pursue? Of course she does. You do too. Why not fan the flames on that implausible idea so that she’s tempted to give up her stable, pleasant, rational career path in favor of reckless “creative” searching? Don’t worry that money troubles might strain your relationship; you’re so much stronger than that.

Establish a routinegiphy-5

Sex on Tuesday, clean the floors on Wednesday. Nothing is hotter than the obligation established through rigid routine.

Let yourself gogiphy-6

She loved you for who you are, not your awesome outfits. You love her for her soul, not her abs. True love means testing how little effort you can put into your appearance and still get laid.

Bring your pets into bedM7Xq6

My Siamese cat has a distinctive shrill whine, the presence of which adds certain “je ne sais quoi” to any orgasm. Whether you’re a dog, cat, ferret, hedgehog, hamster or lizard owner, consider putting their feelings before your sex life. They’ll thank you for it!

Move in together ASAPf684c9c0-2cc8-0133-09c9-0e76e5725d9d

If you like someone, you should want to spend every free moment with them. Liking your living situation is a flimsy excuse not to explore intimacy. No amount of personal stability and happiness should stand in the way of conjoining two happy people into one codependent entity.

Validate, validate, validatemE8E3

Love means never challenging your partner’s beliefs, opinions or emotional crutches. If all feelings are valid, then it is your job to validate (and seek validation for) every emotion either one of you experiences. Pointing out irrationality or fallacy is flat out cruel. Comments like “This isn’t about you” or “Haven’t we talked about this enough?” are hurtful and must never, never, be thought, much less muttered aloud.

Talk about everythinganigif_enhanced-29728-1422303367-31

Feeling kind of moody today? Talk about it. Did her affectionate teasing strike a nerve? Talk about it. Notice she had three glasses of wine last night? Talk about it. Still fuming over a childhood disappointment? Talk about it. Every minuscule thought or annoyance or emotion should be discussed, at length, with the utmost gravity. Anything less is repressive.

One final note about me:


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