Lesbianing with AE: Regrets After Sleeping with Your Ex

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Dear Lindsey,

I made a mistake and slept with my ex earlier this month. I feel like crap about it, because I made sure to tell her that it didn’t mean we were back together but from the way she’s been texting me, it’s clear she is hopeful. The thing is, we have great sex so I would not be opposed to being casual friends with benefits, but the relationship side of it doesn’t work for me – we kind of get on each others’ nerves and fight about petty shit all the time. It’s possible we could have a real relationship someday (way in the future), but I know I can’t get back together with her right now. I feel like I can’t talk about this with her, because when I try to tell her I’m not interested in that, she doesn’t really seem to hear me. I will be seeing her next weekend at a friend’s birthday and she’s texted wanting to spend the night after the club so I’m worried she wants another hookup. I feel like I’m torn between bad options, denying what I know we both want or giving in and potentially deluding her some more.

-Zayna

Hey Zayna,

I’m not sure how things ended with your ex, but from her behavior it sounds like she is hoping to get back together with you – and may be hopping into bed with you in an attempt to wear you down. You are right to suspect that you should be careful with how you proceed here.

You are clear that you cannot be her girlfriend right now – her plus you is not a winning combination. There are so many other lesbians out there who would gladly be your no-strings-attached fling. It would really make your life (and your ex’s life) a lot easier if you focused on connecting with them and not your ex, even if the sex is steamy.

There are so many other lesbians out there who would gladly be your no-strings-attached fling. It would really make your life (and your ex’s life) a lot easier if you focused on connecting with them and not your ex, even if the sex is steamy.

All you need to do is Google “sleeping with my ex” to see just HOW MANY people regret sleeping with their ex – and how many did it because they were still in love with that person. If your ex is still in love with you, the sex you are having isn’t casual, at least for her. She will not move on from you if you keep being available to her, whether that’s sexually available or emotionally available.

If your ex is still in love with you, the sex you are having isn’t casual, at least for her. She will not move on from you if you keep being available to her, whether that’s sexually available or emotionally available.

Perhaps you do want to keep the door open because, as you say, there is something valid between you two. I’d sit with your willingness to maybe make it work someday and question whether that day really can’t be today. People can change for one another – although it’s never something we should count on. If you do kind of daydream about ending up with her, it really might be worth it to give things another shot.

If you’re like, ehh the sex is great but I know in my heart we’re not long-term compatible, then you need to draw your boundaries outside your bedroom door.

Got a question for Lindsey? Send it to the editor: memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line, and she’ll answer in a future post! 

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