Lesbianing With AE! How to Meet Women When You’re a Wallflower

Lindsey Danis

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I’ve been single for quite a long time now. My last and longest relationship lasted 5 years, but because of lot of dramatic events it ended and I felt I needed a break on girls and dating so I could get to know myself again and to make myself more confident. Since then, 2.5 years have passed without a romantic partner and now I feel desperate. I miss touching, smelling, playing with a girl and truth be told: I’m F horny. I don’t want to rush things, but I also don’t want to pull my hair out.

Giving you some context: I’m one of that (not-so-rare) species of woman known as wallflower. I like to hang with people, but I find it truly hard to start a conversation, or to make myself be known, especially when there are more than 4 people in a room. This makes my opportunities to meet nice ladies a disaster. I also have a super bad gaydar, so I really don’t know how to send signals, nor to whom, so my skills to meet other lesbians equals zero. I’ve been trying to improve both skills, but little was achieved.

Lately, I’ve been thinking I should get back to online dating, because it’s much easier to meet people and also the dates will be all about the two of us rather than that crowd of people that I need to deal with in my introvert head. However, I was trying to avoid that because all my previous relationships started online and didn’t end as desired. I was really hoping this time it could happen like the movies and I would meet my girl on a friends dinner when I accidentally bumped into a glass of wine spilling it all over her and a cliché love story would start when our eyes met. But life isn’t a movie and I’m too socially awkward to make that happen. What should I do? Should I keep trying to meet people IRL and start bumping into all dinner tables to make a conversation starter, or should I just give online dating a second (or a hundred) try?

Thanks,

Miss Wallflower.

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Miss Wallflower,

I’m an introvert too. I know the struggles of trying to find love when talking to strangers is not your favorite thing to do and feeling overlooked in a crowd.

Online dating is one option that at least makes up for your bum gaydar. You can dispense with some small talk and check basic compatibility online which, in theory, assures the women you meet in person are more likely compatible with you … that of course doesn’t guarantee the date will go well.

Aside from starting online, do your previous relationships have other commonalities it might make sense to avoid?

I went through a years’-long phase where I wouldn’t date anyone in the psychology/sociology fields because literally everyone I’d dated had been some flavor of psych/soc professional, grad student, college major, what have you. So I totally get the urge to close off a portion of eligible ladies to break some pattern the universe has in store for you. That said, I married a soc major so the universe does love a good joke.

It sounds like you have already taken a break from online dating, though, and you’re lonely and horny. I’m not sure continuing to avoid it is doing you any favors.

Why not open yourself up to all available options? Say yes to the universe and all her wisdom. Be online. Swipe right. Write a witty profile and have a friend take hot photos of you. Do it, but don’t take it so seriously. Hold the possibility lightly. Remember there are more ways to meet partners, and the more ways you try, the greater your odds.

Tell all your friends that you want to meet someone. Don’t be shy, tell them what you like in a lady, whether that’s androgynous style or a killer Scrabble habit. If you desire a rom-com meet-cute at a friend’s party, at least let them know who you might like so they can help you out. Friends love to do this sort of shit, especially coupled friends who know what a catch you are and probably wonder aloud why you’re still single.

If you desire a rom-com meet-cute at a friend’s party, at least let them know who you might like so they can help you out. Friends love to do this sort of shit, especially coupled friends who know what a catch you are and probably wonder aloud why you’re still single.

Rather than bump into tables — if you’re not nimble at small talk, I doubt you’d charm a woman dabbing red wine off her top — pick a small goal to shoot for, like meeting three new women or finding a common interest with the person on your right. Try to be interested and engaged when talking to women.

Introverts are awesome at this, by the way. It’s our secret sauce.

Try to be interested and engaged when talking to women. Introverts are awesome at this, by the way. It’s our secret sauce.

I for sure don’t want to talk about me to strangers (and even to friends, at times) but I make a great listener. Most people FREAKING LOVE to talk about themselves. Show your interest by asking great followup questions and maintaining eye contact and before you know it, you’ll be in a deep conversation with the eligible lady de jour.

Hopefully, by the time she asks you basic questions about yourself you’ll be feeling a bit more comfortable with the conversation.

Have a wing-woman if you’re nervous.

Also, since your friends can only throw so many parties to facilitate IRL lesbian hunting, seek out structured social opportunities. Help plan a Pride event, volunteer somewhere, go to the pop-up lesbian bar. When you hang out in specific places where other gay ladies go, you’ll be much likelier to meet someone who is interested and eligible. Plus, there’s a built-in conversation topic so no stress.

If it gives you hope, Pew Research found that, despite all the apps, only 5 percent of Americans in serious relationships of 5 or fewer years met their partner online. So, even today, the meet-cute you crave is still a possibility.

Have a question for Lindsey? Write to the editor: memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line. Don’t be shy! No one will know it’s you (unless you want them to).

Categories: AdviceDatingLifestylerelationship advice
Tags: lesbian datingmeeting womennew relationshipsonline dating