I get really passionate during sex and sometimes I can be too rough. My current partner wound up with bruises and bite marks after an especially intense weekend in bed. In the past my girlfriends have thought my passion was super hot, so I don’t know if my girlfriend bruises really easily or if I got too carried away … we had a bit to drink. I told her if it feels like too much she should say something in the moment and she said she would. I’m not sure what I can do to rein it in a little bit especially when I’m feeling intense pleasure.
-RoughHey Rough,
I’m glad your girlfriend spoke up and that you want to work together to make sex pleasurable for both of you. One place to start might be talking (outside the bedroom) about what felt good and what felt too rough for her. She might give you valuable information by saying, for instance, that she likes being held down, but she isn’t so much a fan of biting. Then you take biting off the table when you’re in bed with her.
You could also discuss using a safe word, which she can say when you’re fooling around and she needs a break. Come up with a safe word together and talk about what using it will mean. Is it an automatic hard stop on sex, or does she need a few minutes of being held, or should she tell you what she wants in the moment? This gives her a simple way to pause the physical contact and figure out what she wants.
Check in with her while you’re going at it – if you aren’t already. This can take the form of asking about an act (do you want to get tied up?) or asking how she is feeling (does this feel good, is this too hard, and so on). It might also help if you communicate what you want to do next so she knows what to expect — first you are going to take off her clothes, then throw her on the bed, then shove your face between her legs — and isn’t anxious. I talked about ways to communicate while keeping it sexy in this post. While you’re going at it, pay attention to the cues she’s giving you. Watch her body language, make eye contact, and listen for the sounds she’s making. If she appears relaxed and into what you’re doing, then you can keep going with confidence. If you’re not sure, then it never hurts to ask.
If her past partners were less rough, your girlfriend might be adjusting emotionally to how it feels to be dominated by you. What’s off the table today might be allowed later on as she gets more comfortable.
This is a lot to think about, especially if your normal m.o. is to let your body go for what it wants. As you adjust to communicating more, you might feel strange or self-conscious. Let your girlfriend give you parameters of what feels good, pay more attention in the moment (which can increase your pleasure, so this doesn’t need to be a bad thing), and relax. You two will find a way that works for both of you, and this journey can bring you closer together.
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