Lesbianing with AE! You Had Sex, Then She Bailed

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I was seeing this girl for a while, and things seemed like they were going really well. We had a great date that lasted into the early morning and we were texting all the time. We got really close really fast. She initiated a lot of it and she always responded to my texts even if it was super late at night. On our last date we slept together for the first time. However right after that she broke it off with me with no real explanation – just that she didn’t want a relationship right now. I’m having trouble getting closure because it all seems really confusing to me.

-Left

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Hi Left,

I’m sorry your girl broke it off so abruptly. It always hurts when people we really connect with don’t seem to feel the same way, especially if they did and then they seemed to change their mind overnight.

It always hurts when people we really connect with don’t seem to feel the same way, especially if they did and then they seemed to change their mind overnight.

It may be that this woman didn’t feel a strong sexual connection to you. First times with new partners can be awkward — you don’t know their body yet, you may feel self-conscious asking for what you want, and so on — but also exciting…. as long as there’s chemistry. If she wasn’t feeling it in the bedroom, then she might have decided that it just won’t work between you two.

She may be more casual about sex than you are. Sex for you may have meant one step closer to defining the relationship, but she may not attach emotions to physical intimacy. If she feels this way, she might not have understood that sex was something meaningful to you – and that you’d be upset if she broke it off right after.

She may be more casual about sex than you. Sex for you may have meant one step closer to defining the relationship, but she may not attach emotions to physical intimacy. If she feels this way, she might not have understood that sex was something meaningful to you – and that you’d be upset if she broke it off right after.

It might have been coincidence. Perhaps she was dating other women too and felt crazy sparks with someone else and it just happened to be right after you two spent the night together.

If she knew she didn’t want to keep seeing you, the best thing to do was communicate that to you rather than lead you on. Even if the timing sucked. Even if she did it in a kind of tone-deaf way. You deserve someone who is excited to spend time with you, and this woman wasn’t. Knowing “why” won’t give you closure. It might even hurt you or make you more self-conscious about dating and sex if her explanation has something to do with your body or your sexual prowess.

You deserve someone who is excited to spend time with you, and this woman wasn’t.

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You probably aren’t going to get a clear answer even if you ask her. She gave you an (unsatisfactory) explanation. Rather than invest your emotional energy in someone who doesn’t want to date you, let yourself grieve what happened — for a little while — and then move on.

It was a brief fling that burned out. You’ll find other women who you connect with emotionally and sexually. Good luck!

Do you have a question for Lindsey? Write our editor at memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line! 

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