Lesbianing with AE! Are Her Parents #Clitblocking You?

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Hi Lindsey,

My girlfriend and I have a great relationship. Despite disapproval from my mother and my family, her family is really amazing and they treat me so well. They even took us on vacation recently. We spend lots of time with them.

I wouldn’t change that for the world and I am always talking about how lucky I am and how good we have it. However, we rarely have sex. Maybe 1-2 times a month if I’m lucky. We are always staying over her parents or with them and it’s hard to get that alone time. She doesn’t seem to mind but it affects me a lot. What can we do about this and how do I talk to her about this without coming across as harsh? I really want to have more sex and be more intimate. We have been with each other for 2 years.

Best,

S

Hey S,

It’s difficult to be intimate when you’re not getting a lot of alone time together. There are several ways you can rekindle your spark, which I’ve written about before:

  • Phone sex: When you’re not together, you can rub one out (and rekindle your connection) over the phone. See also: sexting!
  • Sex in public: If it interests you to have sex somewhere where you could get caught, we’ve written about that before. By getting it on in semi-public, you’ll be away from her parents (the problem, according to you)
  • Sex at her folks’ home: Sure, it’s not ideal, but if that’s where you spend the bulk of your time together, you can get it on at her parents’ place. 

We’ve also discussed ways to handle mismatched libidos, so if your sex drive is higher than hers naturally, here are some ideas for meeting your needs without placing all the pressure on her to have sex more than she wants to.

Tell her how you’re feeling about not having sex as often as you would like. You’ve been together two years and you want to have sex more than 1-2 times a month “if you’re lucky”…. which probably means some months you go without. 

You’ve been together two years and you want to have sex more than 1-2 times a month “if you’re lucky”…. which probably means some months you go without.

If she also wants to have sex more often, you can then roll out some ways to increase your intimacy and see what she responds positively to. She might not want to have sex at her parents’ place—for some people that’s a line they won’t cross—but she may be okay with getting it on in the shower at the gym. You’ll never know unless you ask!

Long-term, if you both want to have more sex, you’ll need to find ways to increase your privacy and alone time. Perhaps you can save up for a long weekend away or book a hotel room for the night, so you can have a private date. Maybe one of you can get your own place or you can move in together.

Long-term, if you both want to have more sex, you’ll need to find ways to increase your privacy and alone time.

And what if she doesn’t want to have more sex and feels totally fine with 1-2 times a month max? 

If that’s the case, then one of you will have to compromise. You’ll have to make do with less sex than you want or she’ll have to give you more sex than she wants.

There are ways to find middle ground—for example, you masturbate to erotica, then she slips in your room to make out with you while you come.

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If having sex always means hours’ long multiple orgasm fests, you might try quickies or take turns touching one another to get a little action in when there’s spare time. For instance, you make her come while her folks run out to get pizza and a movie, then she goes down on you before Mom and Dad get home from work. Sex doesn’t always have to mean a specific series of acts, or even reciprocity, to count. It might make you feel better if you have more erotic intimacy in general, so something like taking a bath together or enjoying a sensual massage could scratch some of that itch for you.

I don’t know what the right answer is. You’re gonna have to figure it out together. Couples often slow down in the bedroom after they’ve been together for a long time, so your situation isn’t uncommon. Hopefully you can find a compromise where everyone is happy with the quality, quantity, and variety of sex they’re getting.

If you can’t work it out and she is fine with an open relationship, you could get your higher libido satisfied elsewhere. If that’s not an option, you may want to find a partner with whom you’re more sexually compatible. Good luck!

Need Lindsey’s help? Write our editor at memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line!

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