Lesbianing with AE! Dating a Touch-Me-Not

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I have a new girlfriend and she doesn’t want me to touch her in bed. She says she really enjoys touching me, and she has a hard time orgasming, but I feel like she won’t even let me try. Is this a thing? And how can I convince her to let me reciprocate how good she makes me feel???

-Not Your Pillow Princess

Hey NYPP,

There may be many reasons your new girl doesn’t want to be touched. She may derive all her pleasure from touching you and find it distracting that you want to reciprocate. She may be self-conscious about how long it takes her to orgasm, or she may know that she’s shy with new ladies and she needs to take it show. I don’t know what’s going on in her head; only she does.

Here’s a fun Arielle Scarcella video about your dilemma. Watch it and feel less alone. Or show it to your girl and use it as a springboard to talk … because that’s what you’re gonna have to do.

The only way to find out whether your new girlfriend prefers not to be touched or prefers to be the dominant one in bed, but is accepting of your touch, is to talk about it. Tell her (when you’re not in bed together, so there’s no stress) how much you want to touch her. Be concrete about what you want; “I want to go down on you” might be different for her than “I want to finger you.” Then talk about whether that’s a possibility.

If she is willing to be touched, let her tell you where, when, or how that might get to happen. Please, don’t assume there’s a history of abuse or trauma, or that she has body issues because she doesn’t want you to finger her. She may be firm in her preferences or capable of evolving with the right giving and attentive partner, which you very well may be. But she’s the only one who can break some of this down for you.

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She might be able to tell you more about why she loves to give women like you pleasure, and how good that makes her feel. Perhaps, understanding what’s in her head, you’ll feel more comfortable lying back and letting her take the lead.

If she can get to a point where she feels comfortable being touched, then you can get what you want by being patient and continuing to get to know her. In the meantime, you can enjoy a lot of orgasms and fantasize about the moment when she feels comfortable enough to let you reciprocate.

If she knows that topping without letting herself be touched is her sexual expression and that’s not going to change, then you aren’t going to be able to talk her into more reciprocal sex. If it’s a deal breaker for you to be able to touch her, too, then you might need to end things. Good luck!

Got a question for Lindsey? Email our editor at memoree@afterellen.com and write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line. No question will go unanswered! 

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