How to Date a Plus Size Lesbian

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Dear Lindsey,

My name is Candi. (that’s my actual given name listed on my birth certificate, not a nickname haha lol) I am in need of some advice. I’m a 33 yo lesbian from Charleston, SC. I’ve always been of petite build and right now I’m 5’1″” and about 120 lbs. I’ve always been attracted to women of larger build than me. My problem is they tend to dismiss me. At first I thought it was because I look very young but I’ve had several tell me otherwise. They think I’m too small to handle them in bed. That’s never actually been a problem with any of the plus sized women I’ve been intimate with but how do I get to that point if they dismiss my advances on appearance alone? I don’t see my preference changing anytime soon. Especially because I’ve never been particularly attracted to women my size. So what can I do?

I’ve found that many other petite lesbians are running into the same issue. What can WE do to overcome this assumption??? I’d appreciate any guidance you can offer.

Sincerely,

A petite gal looking for plus sized love

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Hey Candi,

Just like you aren’t sexually attracted to petite women, some of these larger women aren’t gonna be into you no matter how you present yourself. But let’s say some of these larger ladies are attracted to you but reluctant to give you a try.

I’d be upfront on your online dating profiles about your appreciation for bigger women. It never hurts to be positive and you might make someone smile even if she decides you’re not compatible. So lead with your genuine love of and appreciation for fat, zaftig, Rubenesque, plus size, BBW, whatever you want to call them … ladies.

It’s a mitzvah that will make these women feel seen and appreciated in a venue where it’s difficult for them to compete. And it will open the door for these women to send you a message or accept your invitation for a date, which is the first step to getting it on.

When you’re meeting her for that date, or meeting a woman in public, give a little flirty eye contact. Don’t be creepy, but do check out her curves.

Come up with a couple rejoinders if she shoots you down by your size. Something like, “I’m not as breakable as I seem, I used to play rugby”  or “I hear you, but I’d still really like to take you out. Can we get coffee?”  Be persistent without being overly pushy – that can be a turnoff.

I’d aim for old-school romance rather than a quick hookup or one-night stand here, but if she’s ready to hop in bed and you’re feeling it too, go for it.

Read up on these confessions from bigger girls dating skinny guys for more insight on what could be going through her head. Odds are, any plus size lesbian you’re going out with has similar thoughts either due to internalized fatphobia or direct past experience with someone who made them feel self-conscious. Once you get to know a specific larger woman better, you can ask her about her experience with past partners and try to right some of the wrongs those women have committed by treating her differently.

A lot of the larger women I’ve dated (and I love bigger women too, although I’m more on the chubby side of average, so I don’t get the brush-off you’ve experienced) feel self conscious about their appearance. Some love their bodies the way they, are but others don’t. Wherever the larger girl you’re with is on that journey, she may project her own discomfort onto you i.e. being reluctant to get in bed with you because she thinks she’ll crush you.

Don’t take that in. It’s not about you and your petite body, it’s about her. She may have been shamed by thinner partners in the past and she may be gun-shy about giving another skinny girl a go. Be positive and genuine in your appreciation for her body, and take things slow while you build trust. Once she sees that you really are turned on by her body (and her winning personality and mind, of course) some of that reluctance may fall away.

She may have been shamed by thinner partners in the past and she may be gun-shy about giving another skinny girl a go. Be positive and genuine in your appreciation for her body, and take things slow while you build trust. Once she sees that you really are turned on by her body (and her winning personality and mind, of course) some of that reluctance may fall away.

If she’s still nervous to sleep with you, let her pick a sexual position that she’s comfortable with. When she can relax and enjoy the experience of being intimate with you without worrying about her fat jiggling or her thighs crushing you, she’ll have a better time in bed. Let her take the lead until she’s more comfortable in bed with you; if she wants you to top her, at least get her enthused consent for whatever positions, sex acts, sex toys, and so on are on the table – then go for it knowing she’s approved.

Take every opportunity (on dates, during sex, after) to tell your partner how beautiful, sexy, etc. she is. Be specific, whether it’s “I love your powerful strong body” or “Your curves are so sexy and you really turn me on.” And be patient. Maybe you’ll find a totally body positive bigger woman who is into you, ready to be with you, and unselfconscious in sex. I would love it if you do, and you should write back and tell me.

And if you aren’t dating someone with body issues? You can still take every chance to compliment your partner. Make someone else feel good – happiness is contagious.

And if you aren’t dating someone with body issues? You can still take every chance to compliment your partner. Make someone else feel good – happiness is contagious.

And thanks for writing in. Your letter filled me with joy — too many lesbians who write me insist on only dating thin to average women and exclude the possibility of dating bigger women. It was so nice to hear from someone who sees the hotness in larger women.

If you have a question for Lindsey, email our editor at memoree@afterellen.com. No question will be ignored! 

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