Lesbianing with AE! Is Four Months Too Soon to Move in?

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Is four months to soon to move in? I’m 30 and my partner is 28. I’ve dated a lot of women in the past and I know already this is something special. I plan to be with her for a long time – I’m ready to jump in. She’s not ready to move as fast as I am but she’s fresh out of grad school and facing big student loan payments. I know she’s worried about making the payments so I’ve brought up moving in together as a way to save money a few times and she’s nervous but open about the concept. For me it’s a way to move us closer but also help her through a tough time, but her reluctance makes me wonder if this is something one of us will regret two months down the road. I don’t want moving it to wreck the good stuff we’ve got.

-Should I Slow Down?

Hey SISD,

It’s too soon if you’re asking yourself whether it’s too soon. I understand the impulse to be generous with your girlfriend, both because you want to help her through a rough spot and because you want to level up your relationship.

Six months is sort of the earliest “acceptable” move-in date if you care what others think; when it feels right to the both of you is what I’d recommend, so your next step would be to figure out what that means. Your girlfriend’s nerves might suggest she isn’t ready yet, or it might be jitters about moving-in with a partner if she’s never done that before — jitters that would still be there in two months or a year from now.

Six months is sort of the earliest “acceptable” move-in date if you care what others think; when it feels right to the both of you is what I’d recommend, so your next step would be to figure out what that means.

Why don’t the two of you have a fun date night where you talk about her loans, talk about where you’re both at, and come up with a time frame that feels good for everyone? Don’t go out (cause that would make her spend money). Maybe you order in or cook for her (super romantic), have a couple beers, and talk about creative ways to address her loan dilemma that may or may not include moving in. Let her share her feelings about loan repayments and moving in, and let her decide what feels right for her right now.

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Maybe you pay for more of your dates so she can fund more money toward her loan payments, or you spend less time out at brunch, bars, or wherever you spend money. Maybe she moves in with you when her lease is up five months from now, and between now and then she gets a second job to afford her loan payments. Or maybe moving in is the best choice – but let her pick it.

If she does move in with you and you cover her share of the rent, find ways for her to contribute. Maybe she does the laundry or pays the utilities. Your next stage as a couple will flow smoother if you’re on somewhat even footing. Make it a conversation.

If she does move in with you and you cover her share of the rent, find ways for her to contribute. Maybe she does the laundry or pays the utilities. Your next stage as a couple will flow smoother if you’re on somewhat even footing. Make it a conversation.

I’ve had friends move in quickly and it’s all worked out, even when I had to bite my tongue from telling them they were making a bad decision. If you two decide to move in together at four months, it could work out fine. But it could go the other way — it really depends on how compatible you are in the long term, which isn’t something you are gonna know after four months.

Do you have a question for Lindsey? Email the editor at memoree@afterellen.com and see it here in a future article! 

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