Lesbianing With AE! She’s Cheating, and You Feel Like Her Dirty Secret

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Dear Lindsey,

Is my girlfriend being fair?

She now has a boyfriend but still wants to keep me on the side as her dirty li’l secret fuck buddy…

My brain says NOOOOOOO!

BUT MY HEART SAYS I still love her sooooooooooo much.

-Hurt

Hi Hurt,

Your girlfriend is being unfair —which is putting it mildly.

You two have been together for a time, and she decides out of the blue she wanted something else—a guy. Instead of going to you and opening a dialogue about the future of your relationship, she goes out and gets a boyfriend and doesn’t tell you about it until after.

A boyfriend is not something you spring on your partner, like a shelter puppy.

I could tell you to listen to your heart and give the new poly dynamic a try. Sure. I’m not against poly, or against lesbians deciding they’re really bisexual now. Some people decide those things are true for them and that’s fine with me. But it’s not the fact that she decided to try sleeping with a guy, it’s the way she handled her commitment to your relationship.

There are ways to tell your current partner that you’d like to try polyamory, open up your relationship, sleep with a guy — whatever you wanna call it.

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Just going out and getting another sex partner with no conversation about it, the way she did, is cowardly and disrespectful.  It’s cheating on you and then hoping that by telling you later on, you’ll be cool with it. That you would rather be with this girl having the leftover time and attention she is willing to give to you in between dates with her new boyfriend, than with another woman. Or alone. Cause alone is a valid option and in my opinion, which you asked for, it’s your best option.

Just going out and getting another sex partner with no conversation about it, the way she did, is cowardly and disrespectful. 

Tell this woman it’s over. Or, you know …. don’t tell her it’s over. Grab you things, get out, block her phone number, filter her emails, and leave her to figure out that you’ve unilaterally ended what was left of your relationship the way she left her “Whoops, I’m poly now” realization to you to figure out after the fact.

Good luck.

Do you need Lindsey’s help with your love life? Write to our editor at memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line, and see your question answered here in a future Lesbianing with AE! 

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