Lesbianing with AE! How to Handle Your Asexual Friend’s Crush on You

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Dear Lindsey,

My friend claims that she is asexual. But when she gets drunk, she hits on me. She will get super flirty and cuddly. She’ll also get jealous about other girls I’m checking out and one time she even said something like, “If I could be with anyone that way, you know I’d be with you,” to which I replied, “Oh… okay.” It has gotten to the point where friends notice how weird she is acting, and they ask me what is up with her or makes jokes about how I’m going to get some. It’s really weird, especially because I have never had a crush on her, so I don’t know where this behavior is coming from. I don’t know what to say without essentially calling her a liar or sounding like her asexual identity is a joke. I don’t have any other asexual friends who I could compare this to or even ask for their advice before I talk to her. It’s getting to the point where I’ve second guessed bringing her along when we’re going to be drinking, because I don’t like the way she acts. How do I tell to knock it off, whatever she’s doing?

-Barfly

Hey Barfly,

If your friend is making you uncomfortable with her comments and behavior, you have the right to let her know, whether she’s sexual or asexual. It sounds like you’re overthinking this because of the asexuality angle — because if she were like your other lesbian friends, you’d understand the context for her behavior and you could address it like adults, but since she’s not, you’re worried about saying the wrong thing.

If you want to skirt the whole issue, you could simply stop inviting your pal to events where everyone’s going to be drinking, as you perhaps started doing. If she asks why she isn’t invited somewhere, you could always tell tell her that you don’t like the way she acts when she’s drunk or that she’s gotten out of control at the last couple parties and it’s embarrassing you. That sounds kind of judgy and she could react badly, but it’s the truth and sometimes people need to hear the truth.

If she asks why she isn’t invited somewhere, you could always tell tell her that you don’t like the way she acts when she’s drunk or that she’s gotten out of control at the last couple parties and it’s embarrassing you. That sounds kind of judgy and she could react badly, but it’s the truth and sometimes people need to hear the truth.

If you don’t want to go there, you could say that it’s hard to meet women when you go out together, because of her desire to cuddle with you, and that you really want to date someone right now so you need to prioritize your needs as a sexual human being.

Tell her you are going out to meet women, so you’re gonna do more things alone for the time being, but you two can still go for long walks/hit up the gym/grab Sunday brunch/do whatever doesn’t turn your friend into the cuddle monster for a while.

She should not feel hurt if you’re going out in search of something that doesn’t turn her on, but if she does feel left out you two can talk about it.

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BUT … if you want to be honest about everything you told me, be prepared to tell your friend what behavior you find uncomfortable, why it makes you feel uncomfortable, and what she should do instead. Like, “I’m flattered that you’d choose me if you were sexual, but you’re not. When you say things like that in front of our friends, it gets people confused and then they come to me wondering if we’re hooking up in secret. I’d rather not put out rumors every time we hang out at a party, so please don’t make those kind of comments in public, thanks.”

I think you can tell her that if any other person were acting this way, you’d assume they were interested in you. Asexuals may not know how their behavior comes off because they just don’t have that sexual desire and have never had it.

Asexuals may not know how their behavior comes off because they just don’t have that sexual desire and have never had it.

Be specific about the behavior that’s bothering you without blaming her, then tell her what you’d like to see instead. Then give her a chance to change her behavior at those parties. If she continues to get drunk and be weird, you’ll need to decide if the friendship is worth it.

She may open up to you about her orientation, feelings and behavior, and this could give you more insight into what’s going on. She could have a romantic crush on you, and these drunken behaviors could be her way of expressing romantic feelings. But it’s sort of immaterial if she’s crushing on you. She’s not able to give you what you’d want and you’ve never been attracted to her.

She could have a romantic crush on you, and these drunken behaviors could be her way of expressing romantic feelings. But it’s sort of immaterial if she’s crushing on you. She’s not able to give you what you’d want and you’ve never been attracted to her.

Whatever you decide to say, I’d talk to her soon. She might suspect she’s being left out of social plans and she deserves to know why, just as you deserve to approach single women at parties without your asexual romantic friend making weird comments.

Got a question for Lindsey? Email our editor at memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line! 

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