Lesbianing With AE! Still Living With Your Ex?

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I just got dumped. I feel terrible. My girlfriend broke up with me because she can’t take the fact that I’m living with my ex for financial reasons. She wanted us to have a place where we could be together, but there is no way to make that happen right now. Meanwhile she lives with her mother.  I want her back, but I need to convince her there is a way we can be together and I don’t know if there is.

-Just Roommates

Hi Just Roommates,

It sucks when you don’t have enough money and you need to choose between two crappy options. It sounds like that’s where you and your former girlfriend are, right now.

You don’t want to hang out at her place because her mom’s there, and she doesn’t want to hang out at your place because your ex is around. Even if you and your ex are the best of friends and do everything together and are so totally over one another that the notion of Feelings is ridiculous. In order for your relationship to evolve one of you needs to change; only no one has, so she changed the rules by breaking up with you.

 In order for your relationship to evolve one of you needs to change; only no one has, so she changed the rules by breaking up with you.

You say you want to win her back, but let’s work through the reality of your situation to see if there’s a way forward for the two of you.

Your ex is living with her mom and doesn’t want to be doing that any longer. Is she paying fair market rent, or is she slipping her mom a couple hundred bucks or nothing at all for the room and board? Could she afford to pay her share of moving into a one-bedroom or studio apartment or camper van with you?

If she can’t pay her share of an apartment together, then her dream of having a place where the two of you can be together is not achievable right now and she’s taking her anger on the situation out at you, instead of talking about how the two of you can get to a place where you can have your own apartment together.

If she can’t pay her share of an apartment together, then her dream of having a place where the two of you can be together is not achievable right now and she’s taking her anger on the situation out at you, instead of talking about how the two of you can get to a place where you can have your own apartment together.

That could mean taking a second job, driving for Uber, delivering pizza, or doing overtime at her current job to pay off debts or save up for a security, first, and last. You don’t want to blame her for her misery, but can you find a way to move forward where she either changes her circumstances to afford the move she wants or where you two come up with a compromise that you could afford? Perhaps you move into her mom’s house for a few months until you two can save up the cash? Or find a cheap sublet and take on roommates?

On to you. Why are you living with your ex? Are you stuck in a lease for 3-6 months? If so then it sounds like you and your ex are moving super quick and you maybe dodged a bullet, but also … your ex doesn’t have the patience to wait a little bit for the situation to naturally resolve itself (as in, you don’t renew the lease and are free to get your own place).

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Are you in a rent-controlled apartment where you are shackled to an ex because neither of you can afford the increase that it would mean if you moved into new apartments with market-rate rent? If you want to move in with the woman who dumped you, it could mean taking on a roommate to share expenses or moving to a different town where you can afford the rent.

You have the control to change your situation, so think about ways to set distance from your ex. Living with your ex was a problem in this relationship, and it will be a problem for other girlfriends, too. It’s in your best interests to find another stable home situation, so what does that look like for you?

You have the control to change your situation, so think about ways to set distance from your ex. Living with your ex was a problem in this relationship, and it will be a problem for other girlfriends, too. It’s in your best interests to find another stable home situation, so what does that look like for you?

What is in the way? Is it just money, and can you hustle up a little money at your problem to solve it quickly? Breaking that lease and losing your security deposit sucks, but if it will get your ex back, it might be a price you are willing to pay.

What’s not in your control is your ex, her perspective, and her actions. She gave your difficult living situations as the reason for the breakup, and I’m not sure how long it took you two to get to this place. If she pushed you on this issue and you refused to budge, she may be firm in her decision to end things, in which case there’s not a lot of room for you to woo her. If this seemed to come out of nowhere, it could be a convenient and believable excuse for something else.

To woo her back, come up with a plan that you could realistically execute to come up with safe, affordable, neutral housing for yourself. Include a timeline for proof. Come up with options for her to get unstuck and tell her all the ways that you’ll support her (emotionally, not financially, I’m not suggesting you take that on). Maybe she’ll come around, and you can give things another go. Good luck!

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