Lesbianing with AE! Teach yourself to top and get over lesbian dating insecurities

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I felt down after your recent column but not for the reason you might think. I’m one of those plain/average looking lesbians you mentioned – and I’m having a hard time finding love. My personal style isn’t overly femme or masculine. I’m in my late twenties and I live in a medium sized city with a healthy queer population. I started dating women in high school and had girlfriends through college. I met my last serious girlfriend when I was in grad school and I thought we would be together forever – seriously, I was imagining our wedding. 

But things fell apart – long story, won’t rehash it here – and I find myself looking through the glass watching my peers move on into marriage and children while I’m struggling to get a second date with a single lesbian.  I’ve tried meetups and online dating. I’ve tried just “do what I love” and not look for love. I’ve asked out single friends. I’ve really done it all. I know I’m average in looks, but I have a lot to offer. I just can’t seem to find someone who is interested. – Stranded

Hey Stranded,

So you’re not the most dapper butch or luscious lesbian in the room. I get that can make dating difficult, and that putting yourself “put there” can feel vulnerable.

Since appearance plays a role in your insecurity, here’s a few tips.

One, get a haircut you like. There’s something about going for a haircut that makes you feel good when you walk out of the salon. Or if you’re me, when you walk out of the bathroom after doing it yourself cause you’re cheap and/or sick of getting short hair soccer mom ‘do’s.

Two, find some way to pamper your body that feels good to you – fancy lotion, gentle yoga, a bath. Wear makeup – or not, whichever makes you feel better.

Three, get clothing that suits your personal style and your figure. Don’t hide in frumpy clothes even if you’re insecure about your chest/waist/arms/legs/butt. There’s a reason French women look incredible: Tailoring. French women know how to buy clothing that flatters their figures or get it tailored so it fits them. They look sophisticated, confident and comfortable in their skin – all things that can help you impress a date.

These habits will help you feel good on a day to day basis. That subtle shift can amplify your mood in social settings, your charm on a date and your overall experience of life. You’re stuck in the body you’ve got, but you still have the power to be the most fabulous you that you can imagine.

And if you want to change your body by working out or eating healthy, that’s on you. Joining a gym or taking up a fitness hobby, be it muay thai or hot yoga, can help you relax, get toned, and find new connections. If you’d rather go the fitness route alone because you’re self-conscious, do it too. With something like fitness, expectations can really muck up your mindset so be gentle with yourself rather than scolding. I always like to do fit things because I want to be adventurous or let off stress or see toned arms in the mirror, not to drop a pants size or wow a girl.

With lesbian dating, know what you bring to the table and proudly tote whatever it is you’re offering. Maybe you’re financially stable, with a good job, and say you own a house. That’s going to be attractive to a lot of ladies who are ready for something mature, so tout that! Maybe you’re well-traveled or well-read; if so, smart can be sexy. You say you have a lot to offer, but you didn’t tell me about it. Tell us! Be proud and generous! You might not attract a ton of dates, but the women who look your way will be after what you’re offering.

With lesbian dating, know what you bring to the table and proudly tote whatever it is you’re offering.

Also, if you’re stuck in a dating rut why not expand your options? Take the pressure off yourself to find the girl of your dreams and make dating a way to enjoy meeting new people and having new experiences. Who knows, maybe you’ll find yourself hanging out with a woman who is not at all who you’d usually go for, having a blast and learning something new about yourself – because you didn’t make it about forever love or whether she was your type.

If you’re stuck in a dating rut why not expand your options? Take the pressure off yourself to find the girl of your dreams and make dating a way to enjoy meeting new people and having new experiences.

Give yourself something new to say yes to rather than viewing online dating like drudgery. When you feel stranded, any momentum can bring insight.

There’s no guarantee you’ll find your match. But those friends sailing off to marriage or motherhood? Those aren’t calm waters, and they aren’t guaranteed happy days either.

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