Lesbianing with AE! This week: Straight girls and the weird, woefully confounding things they do

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Straight girls and the confounding things they do…. Seriously, if I had a dollar every time some dyke asked me about a straight girl, I’d be retired by now.

My general tips for understanding why a particular straight girl is doing a particular thing that’s upsetting you is that:

1. She wants your attention because it strokes her ego

2. She feels safe to flirt with you because “it doesn’t mean anything”

3. She’s super gay, but super in the closet so 5 years from now you’ll be her root

4. She’s a little bit interested, or a little bit gay. Bi ladies, they are a thing, so sometimes when you think some straight girl is playing games with your heart, you’re really encountering a bi girl who mostly dates dudes but is legit attracted to women and should be treated as such.

Alright, now your Q’s.

A few weird things have been going on at home and I could use a new perspective. I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over a year. My roommate, who is a guy, recently started seeing someone new and they’ll gotten serious quickly, so his girlfriend sleeps over a lot as well. Originally it was a lot of fun – we’d go up on the roof deck together and chill, occasionally all grab dinner together and so on. Recently my girlfriend and I have started wondering if his girlfriend is maybe a little too interested in hanging out with us. A few times when we’ve been going at it, we’ve heard footsteps in the hall, almost like someone was listening at the door. My girlfriend said when she’s gotten up to use the bathroom she’s encountered my roommate’s girlfriend kind of staring at her funny – she gets embarrassed when I press her for details so that’s really what I’ve got. I was sort of thinking that she was overreacting until last week, when the door to my room opened in the middle of the night and someone came partway into the room. They left after a minute, but it really crossed a line for me. I haven’t said anything to my girlfriend or my roommate cause I don’t want to freak them out, but now I’ve been going over every time we’ve all hung out trying to figure out what this girl’s deal is. I like my roommate and I don’t want to tank his relationship if there’s a natural explanation for this. What is this supposedly straight girl doing perving out to my sex life? Is she trying to make a threesome happen? Is it all coincidence, and I’m reading too much into this from thinking everyone is a little queer? Should we escalate our search for a new place to live? Should I say something and to who?

-Lez Roommate

Roommate,

I’m generally of the opinion that, when too many weird things start happening, the weirdness is real or Mercury’s in retrograde. I mean, I once called the cops because I thought my downstairs neighbors were cooking meth. But even though there were too many strange signs — blinds closed except for peepholes, a persistent ammonia smell in the hall, a new face in the apartment every week, a guy passed out in the backyard, trash rushed to the curb when the garbage truck turned down our street — the cops never checked it out. So much to say, all this could be nothing.

Sure, the roommate’s girlfriend could be crushing on you two and interested in exploring a sexual connection. That would be a terrible idea even if you and your girlfriend were down to have a threesome.

You shouldn’t sleep with your roommate’s girlfriend. Or your good friend’s girlfriend. Especially if said friend is a straight guy who will then know way more about your sex lives than you’d want.

If you want to have a threesome, find a neutral third party — someone who you won’t have awkward dinner dates with if the threesome doesn’t match the fantasy any one of you has in your head.

If you want to have a threesome, find a neutral third party — someone who you won’t have awkward dinner dates with if the threesome doesn’t match the fantasy any one of you has in your head.

She could also be attracted to you platonically. This is super common. If you’ve all been hanging out, maybe she’s seen enough of your relationship to be jealous of your strong communication skills, super nurturing bond, and lesbian mind merge. Maybe she’s skulking outside your door because she’s unpacking all these complicated friend crush feelings and it just happens to occur while you’re fooling around (at least, that’s when you notice it. She could be out there while you’re binge watching Orange is The New Black).

Or this is nothing. Maybe the floorboards outside your room are extra creaky. Maybe she has a sleepwalking problem or lost her way in the dark. Maybe you saw a ghost in the night, or you were dreaming and no one ever walked into your room. Are you sure? Are you sure your girl isn’t messing with you, maybe because she thinks you think this girl is hot?

If you want to move in with your girlfriend, start looking for an apartment. You don’t need to use this as an excuse. You don’t need any excuse.

If you want to move in with your girlfriend, start looking for an apartment. You don’t need to use this as an excuse. You don’t need any excuse.

In the meantime, lock your bedroom door when you go to sleep and take a break from the roomie double dates. If you tell your roommate that you’re saving up for a move, you’ve got a built-in excuse for why you can’t hit the bars together.

Talk to your girlfriend about this, as well as all other befuddling and weird things. Tell her what you’ve observed, and what you want to do about it (i.e. escalate the plan to move, invest in a noise machine and bedroom door lock, spend more time at her place). Don’t go to the roommate when you’ve got nothing more than speculation.

Next Q for Lindsey Continued on Page 2

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