Lesbianing with AE! This week you asked about regretful breakups and sleeping with your straight best friend

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis tackles essential lesbian relationship problems: next steps after breakups you regret and a drunken hookup with your best friend.

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Last night I slept with my best friend. We’ve known each other for the last five years (we’re both 25) and done everything together, but she has always identified as straight. I’m sure you can guess it but I was always the shoulder to cry on when some guy dumped her and the plus-one when she was single and needed someone to take to work events. She’s flirted with me when drunk, and I’ve tried hard not to read anything into it but honestly I’ve enjoyed the attention. I’ve always been crazy attracted to her, but put it out of my mind as something that could never be since she was straight. Well finally, as we were having a bottle of wine after her latest boyfriend dumped her she said she wished she could be with women because she was done with guys. I gave her a long hug, then a back massage, then things just sort of escalated. She actually took the lead. The sex we had was sweet, intimate, and amazing. It felt so different from the other women I’ve slept with. Now I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I worry she will tell me it was all a mistake, or blame it on the drinking. I also worry she will want to give dating a try and in the process we will wreck our friendship. I texted her when I woke up that I had fun last night and I haven’t heard anything back yet so I’m kind of freaking out. What should I do?

– Forbidden Love

Hey Forbidden Love,

Being intimate with anyone involves taking a risk and being vulnerable. It’s totally normal for that to feel scary, especially if you’re the type of person to second guess everything or read a lot into a little gesture, like her not texting you back within a few hours.

Would you rather relegate this experience to the let’s-pretend-it-never-happened dustbin, or risk letting something real develop? Forget for a second about what your friend wants. What do you want? Are you willing to date your friend, a previously-identified straight girl? Are you willing to step back into the closet for a bit while she goes through a quarter-life coming out process that rewrites her truth? And are you willing to move forward if things implode, and your friendship suffers as a result?

Forget for a second about what your friend wants. What do you want? Are you willing to date your friend, a previously-identified straight girl? Are you willing to step back into the closet for a bit while she goes through a quarter-life coming out process that rewrites her previous truth? And are you willing to move forward if things implode, and your friendship suffers as a result?

If your friendship with this woman is the most important thing, tell her that. Say, “I know we crossed a line the other night, and I don’t want our friendship to suffer.”

If you want to explore your new connection, despite the risks, then be open about your truth. Tell her how special the night you shared was, and that you’re open to exploring a relationship if that is something she wants.

It’s not unusual for straight women to say they’re done with men, and it’s not unusual for straight women to seek emotional (and sexual) intimacy from their lesbian best friends. Even if this feels new and scary for you, it’s happened to many of us.

All you can do is own your truth and communicate honestly with your friend. Then let her decide what she wants. There’s a freedom in detaching from the outcome — in doing all you can do, and realizing the bigger picture is so much more than you — and I hope you can find that.

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NEXT PAGE: Feeling Hopeless

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