Lesbianing with AE! This Week: Calling it quits and coming out as a virgin

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you communicate about your virginity (without scaring off the experienced ladies) and get out of a relationship when the writing is on the wall.

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I’m kind of a late bloomer. I didn’t really date anyone in high school — actually I didn’t date anyone until my senior year of college, when I tried dating this guy who had a crush on me. I wasn’t that into him, and we didn’t do anything more than make out, but it helped me to realize that I am attracted to women. After that realization, I tried to find women to date in school but didn’t really click with any of the gay chicks, so I never got the chance to be with a woman in college. After school I moved to the city and I feel like I am way behind the other lesbians who have all been dating women for years. I’m still trying to make it to the second date with a woman and I’m feeling embarrassed about the fact that I’ve never had sex. I’m not sure when to bring that up and I worry that telling women I’m out with that I’ve never had a girlfriend will turn them off. I want a girlfriend and I want to lose my virginity. Is there a right time, place, or way to tell women that I’m new at all this, but really eager to dive in?

-Late Bloomer

Hey Late Bloomer,

I understand why you are reluctant to disclose your v-status to lesbians in your community. It can be difficult when you are the new gal in town, everyone at the vegan cat cafe seems so comfortable with one another and themselves, and you aren’t there yet. So let’s get you feeling more comfortable navigating dates and finding that first girlfriend!

I wonder if you’re putting out signals that you’re new at this… or failing to pick up on signals that the flirty femme is giving you. You don’t quite know the social cues, dating rules, or queer etiquette. You know you don’t know them… but you aren’t going to learn them until you have experiences and ask questions.

Some lesbians are weird about dating girls who haven’t “been with a girl” yet. Some fear that the virgin lesbian will imprint on them like an awkward baby duckling, follow them around and pressure them to get into a relationship. It can help to be aware of this dynamic so you’re aware of what not to do (or how not to act) when you disclose.

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I’d encourage you to put something vague in your online dating profiles — say, you’re “looking to take it slow right now.” This will let women know you’re not after a one-night stand and friends with benefits situation, where you might be pressured into having sex before you’re ready. It will also help you find women who are more like you, or more open to taking things slow.

On dates, conversation will inevitably turn to past dating experience. Be honest when the topic comes up. Say, for instance, that you dated a guy in college and it helped you realize you were a lesbian. Then add something like, “But my college was really small — so I never got to act on it!” Be upbeat and present your story like it’s normal (it is! it’s your normal) and not like it’s something to be ashamed of.

You don’t need to disclose to everyone you go out with — if the sparks aren’t there or the topic doesn’t come up, don’t force it. But the more you tell this to women, observe their reactions, and tweak your delivery, the more comfortable you will be telling your story when it matters.

Don’t try to hide your virginity or think you can “get away with” not telling her until after you’ve done it. You’ll feel better being intimate when you aren’t hyper-focused on whether you’re touching her in the right way or if you’re “doing sex wrong.”  You can relax, enjoy things however they unfold, and maybe even be guided by your more experienced gal pal into touching her in just the right way.

There are plenty of late bloomers and plenty of people who are virgins into their twenties and even their thirties. Especially in the gay community. Some lesbians might not want to date you once you disclose. Some might question how you know you’re really gay or worry that you’ll go out with them and then go back to dating guys. All this tells you is, they aren’t the right person for you.

There are plenty of late bloomers and plenty of people who are virgins into their twenties and even their thirties. Especially in the gay community. Some lesbians might not want to date you once you disclose. Some might question how you know you’re really gay or worry that you’ll go out with them and then go back to dating guys. All this tells you is, they aren’t the right person for you.

The right girl for you will be accepting of where you are and willing to take things at your pace. As long as you feel comfortable with her, you can hop into bed on that second date or wait until you are ready, however long that takes.

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