Lesbianing with AE! This Week: How to Talk About Sex & Making the First Move When You’re Shy

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Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you get better at talking about sex and asking ladies out.

Photo: Getty Images

Photo: Getty Images

 

What advice do you have for a shy soft butch on making the first move? I’m slightly masculine of center, 25, and new to the scene after a long coming out process. I feel like femmes expect me to ask them out or make the first move, but I don’t know what to do or even when to do it.

-Shy

Asking a girl out is the kind of thing that does get easier with practice… but it still scary for a lot of lesbians!

There are a lot of different ways you can let a girl know you’re interested in her. The right way really depends on the particular lady you want to get to know, your relationship to her, and where you are. Trying to buy a woman a drink at the lesbian club is much different from trying to ask out that hot barista (though probably you just shouldn’t…they get hit on all the time) or get the number of that cute new player on your rugby team.

Conversation is the key to getting to know someone better, and talking to a cute girl is really no different from talking to your coworker/best friend/cat. If you already have some sort of relationship with this woman, even if she’s just the chick who makes your matcha lattes, start here.

Send subtle cues while you’re chatting that signal that you’re not just interested in her awesome taste in music, but in her. Eye contact is key here. Look at her, then look away. Don’t ogle her boobs. Smile or otherwise look interested/engaged. Ask follow-up questions.

If you aren’t sure if she’s gay, the right conversation can help you figure it out. Bring up some queer things and see how she reacts to them. If you mention your love of Tegan and Sara and she throws down with a story about road tripping to see them perform, she’s probably on your team. If you mention Tegan and Sara (or The Fosters or Pride weekend) and she has no reaction, she’s probably one of those gaydar-busting straight girls.

If you aren’t sure if she’s gay, the right conversation can help you figure it out. Bring up some queer things and see how she reacts to them. If you mention your love of Tegan and Sara and she throws down with a story about road tripping to see them perform, she’s probably on your team. If you mention Tegan and Sara (or The Fosters or Pride weekend) and she has no reaction, she’s probably one of those gaydar-busting straight girls.

If you’re in the club, ask her to dance or offer to buy her a drink. Some women will gladly accept your drinks with zero intention of giving you their number, but it’s a proven way to demonstrate your interest. If you offer to get her a beer, SHE’LL KNOW that you’re interested and then you can get to talking.

Let’s say you’ve established a basic conversation and either know she’s gay or have reason to believe (like your mutual love of Tegan and Sara). Up your flirting here by finding little ways to touch her. Touch majorly telegraphs interest. It also gives her another chance to respond in kind and saves you from making a move that’s unwelcome. If she starts backing up and finds a fast exit from the conversation, she either isn’t interested or she’s taken. If she touches you back, makes extended eye contact, or seems comfortable, you have a green light to move ahead.

At this point you can seal the deal by asking for her number/email/twitter handle or straight-up asking her out. It’s best if you have something specific in mind, whether it’s going to see a movie you’re excited about, going to an LGBT event, or going for a hike. “Do you want to hang out sometime?” is pretty vague and puts the onus on you to come up with a time and place and basically ask her out again. “Do you want to go an the open mic night with me next Thursday?” is a clear-cut invite that she can say yes or no to.

If she says yes, congratulate yourself. You made the first move and she accepted. If she says no, it doesn’t necessarily mean no forever. Her response should help you figure out if no means “No, I don’t want to hang out with you” or “No, next Thursday I have book club, but I’d love to go another time.”

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