You Are Still Not Special: 6 Reasons Straight Girls Date Lesbians

Editor’s note: This is from our 2016 archives, but it’s probably good to revisit this list during Pride month when you may be tempted to play with fire. 

There are many reasons that a lesbian might go out with a straight girl, kidding herself that she’s special, that this time it’ll work. There are also many reasons why a straight girl might start dating a lesbian–beyond the obvious cluster bomb of orgasms. 

Hear ye, hear ye, beware the real reasons straight girls date lesbians. (Spoiler alert: You’re still not special, and it’s not going to end well.)

1. She’s super mad at her ex-boyfriend.

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Yep, she’s mad at one guy so she’s given them all up. This makes as much sense as discovering you’re allergic to coffee, so buying it from a different café. It’s not going to make any difference. Lesbians are equally capable of ripping your heart out of your chest and consuming it in front of you. Just because you’re going out with another woman doesn’t automatically mean she’s going to be nice to you. Newsflash: women can be selfish, mean and deceitful too. Sorry ‘bout it.

The hard bit about relationships isn’t the gender of the person you’re with, it’s being vulnerable, losing the love you once had, or having your trust broken. If you walk into lesbianism believing that everyone is going to take care of you and your feelings, I suggest you cover yourself in honey and spend a night in the forest, honey, ‘cause them bears gonna be kinder to you.

2. She’s super mad at her strict parents.

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She’s probably still quite young. She probably has hair dyed green and some piercings or a secret tattoo. She probably listens to Sleater-Kinney. She probably runs a feminist fanzine called Cuntissimo, Pussymposium, or Poclitico. She probably tells you how much she deeply cares about the plight of women, especially women of further marginalised groups like queer women. She’ll probably dump your sorry ass and marry a nice boy her parents like. Don’t do it, my friend.

3. She thrives on attention.

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I think we all know this girl. She’s hot and used to getting a lot of attention from men. The reason she started to flirt with you was because you are in some kind of team or group together, or work together, or basically because it was just convenient because you were close and there were no better options. She started fluttering her eyelashes at you and it worked. Then she started telling you she wasn’t wearing a bra and rubbing her nips while looking you in the eye. Her subtlety is as delicate as an elephant in an evening gown.

You ended up in bed together because of the “mad chemistry’ between”you. Don’t get too close! As soon as a handsome man that she hasn’t already done it with joins your group/team/office, you’ll be left quicker than a one-man performance art piece on male tears. Oops, there she goes! You’ll only see her again at next year’s Christmas party, after Brad’s left and just before she’s about to vom up several glasses of white wine and a mini-burger.

4. She thinks it’s sexually attractive to men to be bi or lesbian.

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You can spot her because every time you make out with her she’ll start filming it on her smartphone. This is the worst of all the reasons, the absolute worst. Our people have fought for the right to be treated equally in society, have fought for visibility and a voice, and we’ve only recently won the right to be married to the person that we love. She’s wearing homosexuality like a jaunty hat or a maid’s outfit, just for the male gaze (bros love berets).

Remember when you had to come out to your family? Remember when you got bullied at school? The complete and total decriminalisation of homosexuality only happened in the USA in 2003, and here she is wearing it like a goddamn hat!!! Just taking it on and off, casually hanging it on banisters and hat stands. Damn, she looks good in that hat, though.

But seriously, don’t do it! Don’t go near it! Not just because once in a while it’s good to take the high ground, morally, but also because she probably won’t have sex with you unless there’s an audience. Or she’ll make out with you for hours and then leave you high and er… wet.

5. She’s a clothes kleptomaniac.

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Going out with another woman can be economically beneficial. You can steal sanitary products, for starters. If you’re a stingy straight girl, and you spot a lesbian whose style you like and is a similar size, what easier way to steal her clothes and get away with it than by being her girlfriend? You might think this sounds far-fetched, but a friend of mine who had rather expensive sartorial tastes went out with a girl for a few weeks. That girl borrowed a whole outfit and she never saw her again. I count her lucky, though, a particularly fiscally minded straight girl would have stayed with her longer for the lower car insurance premiums.

6. She is, in fact, a deeply, deeply closeted lesbian.

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I take it back; this is actually the worst reason. You’ll start hanging out with her all the time. She’ll laugh at all your jokes and you’ll laugh at hers. You’ll go on actual dates to fancy restaurants and bars, you’ll spend every Saturday evening together, like a real couple. She’ll tell you about that time her dad left her on a mountain. The way she says your name will break your heart and fix it in two quick syllables (or however many syllables your name is). Your friends will start to think she’s your girlfriend. Her friends will start to think you’re her girlfriend. Then she’ll have a massive freak out, because she’s not gay (she is gay)! Of course her parents aren’t homophobic (they are)! They just switch the television off every time two people of the same sex kiss because that’s normal (it’s not)! Then she’ll get a boyfriend as quickly as possible to prove how straight she is, she plaster photos of them doing cutsey stuff all over the internet just to make sure you know how straight she is.

Don’t worry about it, you’re not here to work out her shit. Just bide your time; in twenty years when her marriage falls apart because they both turn out to be closeted homosexuals, you can pick up where you left off. Just focus on your career in the meantime. Or, you know, go out with a queer-identified woman.

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