Your relationship has fallen apart, and these days it’s even harder to cope in a world awash with social media. Every time you log onto Facebook, there’s a pic of your ex drinking cocktails in a fancy bar, with some attractive woman you don’t recognise, or a pic of her new running regime, or her laughing at a salad looking very “together.” Ugh.
All you’ve done is cried in the queue at the grocery store, your basket piled high with healthy snacks like potato chips, potato chips, and potato chips. Joke! You haven’t even got out of bed.
Well, there’s a way you can negotiate this tricky period. No, I’m not talking about a box of wine (though, if you need one, this is a judgement free zone). You can now download a plethora of break-up apps, specifically designed to get you through this tough period. Here is a selection of the best:
The idea behind this app, is that you don’t need to be alone. All those things you used to do with your ex—you know, yoga and horse riding because you are living inside of a lesbian Mills and Boon novel—you can now hire a complete stranger to do it with instead! Not just a complete stranger, but a heartbroken stranger just like you!
That means after a long session of stretching and mindfulness you can both get drunk and promise each other that if you’re still single at 40 (45? 50?) you’ll move in together and buy cats. That, or make a suicide pact, but either way, you’re not alone. And what’s the absolute, ultimate worst thing in this life? Having a single second alone to contemplate the pointlessness of existence and the aching chasm inside your soul.
But let’s not get distracted by existential ails. How does this app work? When you create your profile it asks you to choose from different categories of the kinds of things you miss doing with your ex—from “coffee and cake” to “dogpark,” and from “sports events” to “deep and meaningful conversations.” These are displayed on your profile to help you find “your perfect BUBs” (break-up buddies). You can also choose which gender you prefer your BUBs to be, or you can choose both.
From here, you can scroll through events that other people post. They have to accept you onto their event before you can see the details, so try not to look super weird in your profile pic. You can create your own events too, like “Bones of Anger Hex, join me in this fun wiccan ritual, u need 2 bring the bones of a chicken and sumthing of ur ex’s, 8pm, an alley nr my house.” This was a popular event when I posted it; very popular.
I have you included this patently heteronormative break-up app for the lols. Just add a “wo” in front of the word man, and change him to her, obvs. Don’t Text That Man is a whole app that simply measures the time that has passed since you last texted your wo-man.
The other thing it does is provide you with motivational quotes like “Stop focussing on him so much. Do something to distract yourself. Take a luxurious bubble bath surrounded by candles or a long hot shower”: as if sitting in some warm water ever distracted anyone from anything. “Texting a man won’t get him to desire you”: as if you are a stupid child that thinks you are Kilgrave from Jessica Jones who can command anyone to do anything he says. “Don’t text that man! Have a dessert or better yet eat some chocolate!” Oh wait, that one is good actually. Go to the store and buy potato chips and Reese’s Pieces.
Feel better yet?
Rx break-up gives you structured day-by-day advice on how to get over your break-up. Day 1 is cutting all social media ties—unfriending your ex on Facebook, unfollowing on her Twitter and Instagram, and even deleting her from your contacts list. Or if you can’t manage that it suggests you change the name of your ex from “Becky” to “DO NOT PICK UP” or maybe “BAD BLOOD” or “WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER.” This is the kind of good advice that it’s sometimes hard for friends to give, “You were always too good for her, of course you’ll find someone else, I’ll saw off your thumbs if you text her again.” But now you have the app to tell you all the hard stuff, and you know you’ll only see results if you stick to it, like an exercise plan, or those pesky pagan rituals. (Quick, better go and re-bury those chicken bones in the garden!)
It also has space for a diary entry, and gives you pointers about what to write about. A lot of it is practical advice, like making a list of friends you could call instead of calling your ex, and writing down some things you think might make you feel better. This app doesn’t assume you’re like every other woman in the entire world; instead, it encourages you to consider your own needs.
It also has a “What To Do'”section for every day. It suggests things like getting rid of all of your ex’s stuff—an IRL social media cleanse! But seriously, it’s better not to be constantly reminded of your relationship, if possible. And other simple things, like getting up and going out or starting to exercise. This app manages to give advice in a gentle and non-patronising tone, which reduces the likelihood of you throwing your phone across the room to only those times that “WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER” flashes up on the screen. Win!
When you open the app, the first thing you do is watch a video clip of divorce coach Sara Davison talk you through some aspects of the programme that you are about to embark on, with the help of the app. Unfortunately, she uses the phrase “uncoupling” so I threw my phone across the room. And that was the end of that.
Best of luck with your break-up!
